Down…The paint is peelin’. Now…When the chips are down. Down…You gotta lose all feelin. Now…When the chips are down. -Terror Squad
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! You may say clutch hitting does not exist. You may say it is mostly imaginary. You may say that every at bat can have an impact on the final score. You can say whatever you want. It’s a free country. I say Bobby Thompson’s Shot Heard Round the World was clutch. I say Vic Davalillo’s drag bunt was clutch. I say Dave Henderson’s two run shot off of Donnie Moore was clutch. I say What Tom Cheek said. I say, ”Joe Carter, you will never hit a bigger home run in your life!” See, I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. I know Joey Votto is the clutchest hitter in baseball today.
There was a time that David Ortiz was the reigning Mr. Clutch. There was a time that there no sweeter two words in the Boston vocabulary than, “Papi’s up!” That time was exemplified in 2005. In 2005, Big Papi totaled 148 RBI and hit .352 with runners in scoring position. But that ain’t the half of it. In 2005, the man blasted twenty home runs that either tied the game or put the Red Sox ahead. Yowza! Now that’s clutch. So clutch in fact, that Red Sox owner John Henry presented a plaque to Ortiz with the following inscription: DAVID ORTIZ #34 THE GREATEST CLUTCH HITTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE BOSTON RED SOX.
Last night, Joey Votto hit a three-run bomb. Not just any bomb mind you. This bomb tied the Reds-Phillies game with two outs in the ninth. Big deal you say? Who cares you say? I say Joey Votto has now hit nine home runs in his last 85 at-bats in Late-Inning Pressure Situations. I also say his .429 batting average (15-for-35) in LIPS this season leads the National League (minimum: 25 LIPS AB). Joey Votto has become the Paulie Cicero of baseball. Big time at bat? Fuck you, pay me. Game on the line? Fuck you, pay me. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me!
Yes sports fans, the title of Mr. Clutch has been passed on. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch of clutch has been passed to a new generation of Americans. The torch has been passed to Joey Votto.
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!