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MLB: Halfway There Hardware

By: josh q. public on: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 @12:03 pm

MLB: Halfway There Hardware

I.. am.. number one.  No matter if you like it, here, take it, sit down and write it.  -Nelly

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  The season is at the halfway mark.  Like my main man Frank Sinatra always says, “The best is yet to come, and won’t that be fine?  The best is yet to come, come the day that you’re mine.”  Yes the best is yet to come and I’m like Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio.  I’m looking forward to it like a birthday party when you’re a little kid.  You think something wonderful is going to happen.  I think something wonderful’s gonna happen.  A feather to put my baseball cap in.  More fun than Gabe Kaplan.  Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max?  I may not have ever told you about my Uncle Max, but I am gonna tell you who’s gonna bring home the hardware.  The JQP Halfway There Hardware.  So without further ado, awaaaaaay we go!     

Willie Mays Award  (Best Player on the Planet):  Albert Pujols.  Tony LaRaussa calls him the perfect player.  Sports Illustrated calls him the perfect player.  Who am I to argue?  At this point in time, Phat Albert Pujols holds comfortable leads in home runs and RBIs.  He trails only three National League players in average.  He plays a Gold Glove caliber 1st base.  Albert Pujols is the best player on the planet and nobody else is even close.

Teddy Ballgame Award (Best Hitter):  Ichiro.  Ichiro finished the month of June with 44 hits in 108 at-bats (.407).  That was the 20th time that Ichiro recorded more than 40 hits in a calendar month.  That’s the highest total in more than a half-century.  Yowza!  The last player with at least 20 months of more than 40 hits was Stan the man Musial (22).  The last American League player to do so was the Iron Horse.  That’s right,  Lou Gehrig (21) .  Stan the Man, the Iron Horse and Ichiro:  Come and dance on our floor.  Take a step that is new.  We’ve a loveable space that needs your face, three’s company too.  And mighty fine company it is.

Sandy Koufax Award (Best Pitcher):  The hardest working man in show business.  There’s no business like show business like no business I know.  In an age of pitch counts, Roy Halladay is a throw back.  A go back.  An Adrianne Barbeau back.  Roy Halladay is by far and away the most under appreciated player in the game.  When all is said and done, Halladay will go down as the greatest Blue Jays pitcher ever.  When all is said and done, Halladay will go down as a first ballot Hall of Famer.  When all is said and done, he will go down as the best pitcher of his generation.

Freddy Lynn Award (Best Offensive Rookie):  Rookie rookie, who gets the cookie?  The Baltimore Orioles have a legitimate rookie of the year candidate, only it’s not the guy you thought it would be.  It’s not Matt Weiters.  It’s not the six-five, 230-pound, switch-hitting catcher with a laser rocket arm.  It’s outfielder Nolan Reimold.  Reimold was named AL Rookie of the Month for June after batting .320 in 26 games.  He led all rookies with four homers, drove in nine runs and scored 13.  He is a fixture in one of the majors’ best young outfields.  He is the best offensive rookie in baseball.

Mark Fidrych Award (Best Rookie Pitcher):  I’m going with the ace of the Phillies.  That’s right, I’m calling him their ace.  Ace is the place with the helpful hardware.  What else are you gonna call this kid?  With Cole Hamels struggling, JA Happ is 6-0.  With Cole Hamels struggling, JA Happ is keeping the World F*%king Champion Phillies afloat.  With or without Cole Hamels struggling, JA Happ wins this award.

Brooks Robinson Award (Best Defensive Player):  Heard it in a glooove song.  Heard it in a glooove song.  Can’t be wrong.  Can’t be wrong picking the O-Dog.  Can’t be wrong picking Orlando Hudson.  Orlando Hudson remains the best defensive player in baseball.  The best I’ve ever seen.  Maybe the best there’s ever been.  Just a glove machine.  And he won’t work for nobody but you.  Year after year.  Game after game.  Web gem after gem.  Simply the best.

Hank Greenberg Award (Best Jewish Ballplayer):  Jewmanji!  This is a rough one.  This is a tough one.  Quite clever and never, we’re together forever, Run-DMC and we’re tougher than leather.  The Hebrew Hammer is so good he’s hard to pass up.  How can you pass up a guy like Ryan Braun?  I have to.  I have to go with my boy Kevin Youkilis.  If I didn’t, I couldn’t post this video:

Wade Boggs Award (Cheatenist Summamabitch):  While Alex Rodriguez was married, he chased after muscle-bound strippers. While Alex Rodriguez was married, he chased after Madonna.  Now it comes out, while Alex Rodriguez was married, he dated and was supplied hookers by ex-madam Kristin Davis.  You’ll wa-alk the floor the way I do.  Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you.

Impossible Dream Award (Cinderella Team):  Texas Rangers

Jim Abbot Award (Best Story Player):  Brad Ziegler

Cecil Fielder Award (Fattest Player):  Prince Fielder

Andres Galarraga Award:  (Comeback Player):  John Smoltz

Ron Blomberg Award (Designated Hitter):  Adam Lind

Sparky Anderson Award: (Top Manager):  Trey Hillman

Lou Brock Award (Stolen Bases):  Carl Crawford

Clearasil Award:  (Breakout Performance):  Felix Hernandez

Lifetime Achievement Award:  Randy Johnson 

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

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  1. 1
    Hef Says:

    Youk deserves the Ted Williams award in addition to the Hank Greenberg Award.

  2. 2
    Zoner Says:

    I like it but Best Story Player should be Bobby Scales from the Cubs. Spent a dozen years in the minors before getting the call this year

  3. 3

    i thought of him but ziegler got his skull cracked open

  4. 4

    no doubles. if so pujols wouldve got it.

  5. 5

    [...] MLB Halfway There Hardware — (Josh Q. Public) [...]

  6. 6

    I like Halliday just fine, but only a man that eats many cakes would not have Tim (terrific) Lincecum in that best pitcher spot

  7. 7

    [...] Josh Q. Public takes a look at the 2009 baseball season that is now halfway over. [...]

  8. 8

    national league. doesnt really count. may as well put japanese league guys in there

  9. 9
    Andrew Says:

    Lifetime Achievement Award should definitely go to Tim Wakefield. Everyone already recognizes Johnson's dominance and accomplishments. Wakefield has been thriving the past 15 season just on his ability to loft that knuckleball, and he finally got some recognition with his place on the All-Star team this year. Too bad he didn't get to play.

  10. 10

    Hey Andrew,
    listen, i love wake as much as the next guy. as a matter of fact i carry around a tim wakefield keychain. but he never did what the big eunuch done did.