I.. am.. number one. No matter if you like it, here, take it, sit down and write it. -Nelly
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! This year’s baseball season is almost upon us. I can’t help it, I’m giddy like a schoolgirl. Or as dear old bubbe used to say, “A maidel mit a klaidel!” Dear old bubbe may have used to say that, but dear old Rogers Hornsby used to say this: “People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.” Well, spring has sprung and in two short weeks opening day will be here. Hooray, opening day! With that in mind I bring you my MLB Preseason Award Predictions:
Willie Mays Award (Best Player on the Planet): Albert Pujols says he’s “100% healthy.” Jeez, what was he last year? He was MVP last year, that’s what he was. MVP on a bum elbow, that’s what he was. Albert Pujols is, and has been for some quite time, the National League’s best player. Baseball’s best player. Pujols has finished in the top 10 in the voting in every one of his eight Major League seasons. He has been fourth or better seven times. He should have won it in ‘06. He was robbed, robbed I tell ya, like Petey was robbed in ‘99. Sorry, I digress, I’m still bitter about that one. Stupid I-Rod.
Teddy Ballgame Award (Best Hitter): Say what you want about Manny Ramirez but if there is one thing that cat does, that cat rakes. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, good times? Manny rakes. Bad times? Manny rakes. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me. That’s what Manny being Manny is really all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about!
Sandy Koufax Award (Best Pitcher): The hardest working man in show business. There’s no business like show business like no business I know. In an age of pitch counts, Roy Halladay is a throw back. A go back. An Adrianne Barbeau back. Roy Halladay is by far and away the most under appreciated player in the game. When all is said and done, Halladay will go down as the greatest Blue Jays pitcher ever. When all is said and done, Halladay will go down as a first ballot Hall of Famer. When all is said and done, he will go down as the best pitcher of his generation.
Freddy Lynn Award (Best Offensive Rookie): Rookie rookie, who gets the cookie. Matt Wieters. That’s who. Word on the street is Matt Wieters was the best position player in his draft. Word on the street is Matt Wieters was the best college catcher in recent memory. I guess he’s pretty good if you like six-five, 230-pound, switch-hitting catchers with a laser rocket arm. I do. I like six-five, 230-pound switch-hitting catchers with a laser rocket arm. I like Matt Wieters.
Mark Fidrych Award (Best Rookie Pitcher): I’m going chalk again. How can I not? How can I not give this to David Price? David Price is athletic. He’s big. He’s strong. He has a big strong heater. A big strong ninety-eight mile per hour heater that can’t be beater. Tough as concreter. He has a big strong slider. A big strong eighty-eight miles per hour slider that’ll take you for a rider. Bonafider. Vernon here’s got a job. Vernon’s got prospects. He’s bona fide. What are you? I’ll tell you what. David Price got prospects. David Price is bona fide.
Brooks Robinson Award (Best Defensive Player): Heard it in a glooove song. Heard it in a glooove song. Can’t be wrong. Can’t be wrong picking the O-Dog. Can’t be wrong picking Orlando Hudson. Orlando Hudson remains the best defensive player in baseball. The best I’ve ever seen. Maybe the best there’s ever been. Just a glove machine. And he won’t work for nobody but you. Year after year. Game after game. Web gem after gem. Simply the best.
Hank Greenberg Award (Best Jewish Ballplayer): Hey, Sandy Koufax was already taken. You got the Hebrew Hammer, Ryan Braun. You got the Greek God of Walks, Kevin Youkilis. Last year, Dustin Pedroia won the AL MVP. Last year, a sports hernia forced Ian Kinsler to miss the final six weeks of the season. Had Kinsler stayed healthy, that MVP just may have been his.
Wade Boggs Award (Cheatenist Summamabitch): While Alex Rodriguez was married, he chased after muscle-bound strippers. While Alex Rodriguez was married, he chased after Madonna. Now it comes out, while Alex Rodriguez was married, he dated and was supplied hookers by ex-madam Kristin Davis. You’ll wa-alk the floor the way I do. Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you.
Impossible Dream Award (Cinderella Team): Cincinnati Reds
Jim Abbot Award (Best Story Player): Jamie Moyer
Cecil Fielder Award (Fattest Player): CC Sabathia
Andres Galarraga Award: (Comeback Player): Khalil Greene
Ron Blomberg Award (Designated Hitter): David Ortiz
Sparky Anderson Award: (Top Manager): Trey Hillman
Lou Brock Award (Stolen Bases): Jacoby Ellsbury
Clearasil Award: (Breakout Performance): Felix Hernandez
Lifetime Achievement Award: Randy Johnson
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Need More? Albert Pujols,Alex Rodriguez,Cincinnati Reds,Felix Hernandez,Ian Kinsler,Jacoby Ellsbury,Jamie Moyer,Kansas City Royals,Khalil Greene,Manny Ramirez,Matt Wieters,Milton Bradley,MLB,Orlando Hudson,Randy Johnson,Roy Halladay