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King Felix: Today PR Tomorrow The World

By: josh q. public on: Tuesday, March 17, 2009 @9:00 am

King Felix: Today PR Tomorrow The World

I’m the king of rock, there is none higher, sucker MC’s should call me sire.  To burn my kingdom, you must use fire.  I won’t stop rockin’ till I retire.  -Run DMC

Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go!  It’s that time of year again.  Spring is almost here again.  Time to stand up and cheer again.  Go to the old ballpark and swill eight-dollar beer again.  I love it.  I live for this.  The one constant through all the years has been baseball.  America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  Yes it has, yes it has.  I can’t wait for those steamy August nights, sitting on the back patio.  Listening to the game on my transistor radio.  Drinking my lemonadio.  Sure I’m a Sox fan, but I like some other guys.  I like Carl Crawford.  I like Orlando Hudson.  I like Josh Hamilton.  And I like King Felix Hernandez.     

I liked King Felix last night all right.  Last night, King Felix shut down the vaunted Puerto Rico lineup that had outscored its opponents 26-2 in four games.  Last night King Felix struck out seven.  He struck out seven in 4 2/3.  How about that?  How about this?  King Felix has yet to allow a run in these here World Baseball Classic games.  He’s finally starting to look the pitcher we all hoped he’d be.

Felix Abraham Hernandez.  King Felix.  El Cartuela.  The Badass.  He throws heat.  Scalding heat.  Torrid heat.  Smoking heat.  Blistering heat.  Flaming heat.  Rapid Robert Feller heat.  Nolan Ryan heat.  JR Richard heat.  Heat clocked at over 100 mph.  At fourteen he was throwing ninety-four.  Yowza!  He throws a big ole bender.  He throws a nasty change.  He throws a slider so deadly, so disgusting, so filthy, so grotesque, so repugnant and so revolting, that the Mariners rarely allow him to use it out of concern that it might injure his arm.  Yikes!

Sure King Felix had a losing record last season.  Sure he owns a so-so 39-36 ledger after 104 Major League starts.  It’s not all his fault.  Adrian Beltre doesn’t think so:  “To me, Felix is an All-Star pitcher.  It isn’t his fault we don’t score enough runs for him.”  No it ain’t.  Felix received an average of 3.86 runs in his thirty-one starts last year.  Felix received the second-lowest support system in the American League last year.  This ain’t last year.  The time is now.  No more excuses.  The King is dead.  Long live the King!

Public Spectacle:


Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

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