Nobody nobody cares.  Nobody cares baby.  You know I’ve had my share.  It just ain’t fair.  It just ain’t fair.  -Aretha Franklin.

I don’t like this one.  I don’t like this one one bit.  You have to understand.  I hate this summamabitch.  I hate him more than all the other summamabitches.  Isiah too.  But that’s it.  Those two.  And that’s it.  Just this ashtray.  And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need.  And this remote control.  The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need.  And these matches.  The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball.  And this lamp.  That’s all I need.  I did not need this.  I did not need to hear that the judge in the Roger Clemens federal perjury trial abruptly declared a mistrial.  I feel like Arthur Kirkland.  I feel like screaming:  “You’re out of order!  You’re out of order!  The whole trial is out of order!  They’re out of order!  That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he’d like to do it again!  He told me so!  It’s just a show!  It’s a show!  It’s “Let’s Make A Deal”!  “Let’s Make A Deal”!  Hey Frank, you wanna “Make A Deal”?  I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women!  Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, 3 weeks probation?           Read More »

Because it’s murder by numbers, one, two, three.  It’s as easy to learn as your ABC’s.  Murder by numbers, one, two, three.  Easy to learn as your A-B-C.  -The Police

What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans?  I’ll tell you what’s crack-a-lacking.  Baseball’s crack-a-lacking.  Ahhhh baseball.  Like my main man Terrence Mann always says, “America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.”  It certainly has.  As kids we marked the time by keeping score at the ball park.  Nowadays, that type of thing is done for us.  It’s all ballbearings now.  Statistician Seymour Siwoff of the Elias Sports Bureau once said,   “Anybody with a pencil could be a statistician back then (19th Century).”  Now?  Not so much.  Now, statistics are the lifeblood of the game.  No other sport studies, dissects and analyzes their numbers as vigilantly as baseball.  So who am I to go against the grain?  Nobody!  That’s who.  So let’s take a peak at some interesting 1st half numbers, shall we?  Sure we shall!          Read More »

In honor of Barry Bonds’ raisin sized testicalia, I give you this:

Peace out Barry.   Six two and even!

For reasons known only to him, celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman decided to book Jose Canseco to fight at the Passion Nightclub at Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida.  Feldman paid Canseco an upfront 5 grand and began to promote the bout, which was scheduled to take place this past Saturday, March 26th.  Canseco showed up for the weigh in on Friday, signed some autographs, and took off.  But then things got weird about an hour before the fight was supposed to take place, namely when Canseco began looking to be paid the remaining 5 grand of his appearance fee in cash.  Feldman refused and Canseco threatened to bolt from the event.  It was at this point that witnesses began filling Feldman in on a little theory: the Canseco ready to fight wasn’t Jose, but his twin brother Ozzie.  Seems some observant on-lookers realized that “Jose” was missing some tattoo’s on his arms.  Feldman called the cops, who responded and escorted a now confirmed Ozzie out of the nightclub.  As an epilogue to this, in classic Canseco fashion, Jose sent Feldman a text message attempting to bribe him for his full appearance fee.  (Sun-Sentinel)

In retrospect, this backstage encounter might have actually been more interesting, and lasted longer, than if Canseco had actually fought.  Check this for visual evidence

I get knocked down, but I get up again.  You’re never going to keep me down!  -Chumbawumba

Public Service Announcement:  No, we’re not talking about tee-shirts.  We’re not like Mr. Hooper.  We’re not talking about treasure boating or day sailing.   No we’re talking about the real wife beaters.  Today we bid adieu to a real wife beater.  Today we bid adieu to Bobby Cox.   I’ve heard people say, “Bobby Cox did it the right way.”  If by the right way you mean getting arrested by police at his home, jailed overnight and being charged with simple battery after punching his wife and pulling her hair, then ya, sure.  Pulling her hair?  C’mon you sissy, knock it off.  After the jump, we’ll look at other members of the All Wife Beating team.          Read More »

Deny, you’re such a liar. You won’t know the truth if it bit you in the eye.  Deny, you’re such a liar.  You’re selling your no-no all the time.  -The Clash

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  See what happens?  Roger Clemens was steadfast.  Roger Clemens was adament. He denied being injected with Winstrol by Brian McNamee approximately four times in the buttocks over a several-week period with needles that the Rocket provided.  He denied McNamee injected him in the buttocks four to six times with testosterone from a bottle labeled either Sustanon 250 or Deca-Durabolin that McNamee had obtained from Kirk Radomski.  He denied being injected by McNamee four to six times with human growth hormone received from Radomski.  Read More »

Oh baby, I’m a star!  Might not know it now baby, but I are, I’m a star!  I don’t want to stop ’till I reach the top.  Sing it!  -Prince

Public Service Announcement:  Everybodys’s jibbering about Ubaldo Jimminez.  Everybody’s jabbering about Stephen Strasburg.  Jibbering and jabbering.  Blibbering and blabbering.  What about this guy?  What about Bob Adam Wainwright?  Last night, Adam Wainwright hurled seven shutout innings to lead the Cardinals to a 6-1 victory over the Reds.  That may not seem like such a big deal to you, but know this:  Wainwright has now registered 17 wins this season.  Wainwright has now registered a 1.99 ERA this season.  All through 25 starts.  Pretty good, right?  Damn skippy it’s good.  Since 1970, only five other pitchers posted at least 17 wins and an ERA below 2.00 through 25 starts in a season.  Only Vida Blue 1971 (19 wins; 1.37 ERA), Gaylord Perry 1972 (17 wins; 1.70 ERA), Ron Guidry1978  (17 wins; 1.79 ERA), Dwight Gooden 1985 (18 wins; 1.64 ERA) and Roger Clemens in 1997 (18 wins; 1.66 ERA).          Read More »

I’ve seen the needle and the damage done.  A little part of it in everyone.  But every junkie’s like a settin’ sun.  Ooh, ooh, the damage done.  -Neil Young

Public Service Announcement:   Finally.  Finally Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez hit his 600th career homerun.  Like my main Derrick Coleman always says, “Woopty damn do!”  Finally, it’s over.  It’s over.  It’s all over!  Johnny Havlicek is being mobbed by the fans.  It’s all over!  Johnny Havlicek stole the ball!  That’s right sports fans, Alex Rodriguez stole another milestone.  Like Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds before him, A-Rod stole history.  There was a time  when no numbers were more historic, more poetic, or more vibrant than baseball’s numbers.  Baseball used to be a sport where statistical comparisons of players from different eras linked one generation of fans to the next.  Our superstar’s  pursuit of records used to mean something.  Used to mean something special.  You’re so fuckin’ special.  I wish I was special.  But I’m a creep.  I’m a weirdo  What the hell am I doin’ here?             Read More »

Theres a new dance thats going around.  When the hits start flying you gotta get down.  The the the the the the horses, the the horses are on the track.  -Big Audio Dynamite

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  You may know Tom House as the answer to a trivia question.  The guy who caught Hank Aaron’s legendary home run in the bullpen.  You may also know him as the guy, who in 1974, pitched 102 2/3 innings, all in relief, with a 1.93 ERA and a 0.98 WHIP.  That’s you.  I know him as one of the guys who first spoke candidly about steroid use in baseball.  House said performance-enhancing drugs were widespread in baseball in the 1960s and 1970s.  House said, he and several teammates used amphetamines, human growth hormone and whatever steroid they could find in order to keep up with the competition.  House said, “If someone says Auto Immune, you’re fired!”  Sorry.  Wrong House.         Read More »

The best things in life are free, but you can keep ‘em for the birds and bees.  Now gimme money.  That’s what I want.  -Beatles

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Just a quick one.  A run and stick one.  A treat or trick one.  When Mo Vaughn left the Boston Red Sox to sign the highest contract in the game with the Angels, Sports Radio WEEI in Boston ran a soundclip adnauseum of the Hit Dog saying, “It’s not about the money.”  That soundclip has always stayed with me.  It’s always stayed with me because it’s always about the money.  Always.  Mark McGwire took steroids for the money.  Yes, he took them to improve his health.  Yes, he took them to improve his power numbers.  But both of those things improved his bank account.  Now he comes clean.  He comes clean because he needs a job.  He comes clean because he needs the money.  That’s it.  He can cry.  He can wish he played in a different era.  He can call the widow Maris.  It doesn’t change a thing.  It’s about the money.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!