Anybody know what the Olsen twins are doing these days? Of course you don’t, nobody does. The fact that they have disappeared off the face of the earth is a grim reminder to us all that even the brightest young stars fade away and die at some point. They had a great run, they lit up televisions in American living rooms for years with their antics as little Michelle. But things that great don’t last forever and eventually the girls grew older; their egos got the best of them. They grew too big for Bob Saget’s house and they made the biggest mistake of their lives, they thought they were too good to play the role that they were born to play. Read More »

And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house!  And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife!  Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was.  -Talking Heads

Just a quick one today.  Quick as a licorice stick one today.  Quick as a mouse click one today.  Today, the good folks over at Ed The Sports Fan posted a lamentation entitled When Your Favorite Player Gets Traded.  He said stuff like, “There’s nothing worse that can happen to a fan than when that fan’s favorite player…gets traded.”  In light of this, and in light of the recent moves that sent Melo to the Knicks and Deron Williams to the Nets, I got to thinking.  I got to thinking  that so many times in sports, guys have ended up in uniforms they just don’t belong in.  Uniforms they just look wrong in.  Here are a few that I never got used to:           Read More »

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!  Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious!  If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious.  Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye.  -Mary Poppins

It’s almost here!  Super Sunday.  Super fun day.  More fun than Plaxico Burress gun day.  It’s a quest for fun.  I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun.  We’re all gonna have so much f**king fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our godamn smiles.  You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of you’re assholes!  Now that’s fun.  You know what else is fun?  Huh?  Do ya?  Sure you do.  Making up All Star teams is fun.  I know, I know, you wanted chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!  Do that on your own time.  This my time.  This my damn blog.  And now without further ado, my damn Super Bowl All Star team:    Read More »

I’ma tell it like it is.  Give it to ya straight, no chase, I’ma tell it like it is.  Look you straight in yo face and I’ma tell it like it is.  -Ludacris

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Just a short little one.  Like Public Enemy.  Quick fast in a hurry.  Don’t worry.  Flavor Flav vision ain’t blurry.  I’ll tell you someone else whose vision ain’t blurry.  Joe Montana’s vision ain’t blurry.  That’s right.  Joe Montana.  You might have heard of him.  Well, during this whole Super Bowl lovefest here, Peyton Manning is being bandied about as the greatest who ever lived.  Joe Montana was asked his thoughts on the matter.  You now what Joe said?  Huh?  Do ya?  Joe said, ““This is Manning’s second Super Bowl, and now they’re saying if he wins he’s the greatest?  Tom Brady’s sitting there with three rings and he’s been in four.”  That’s what Joe Montana said.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

As we get ready for the Super Bowl, let’s take a moment to reflect.  Let’s reflect on this man.  Let’s reflect on Joe Montana, lest we forget:

Peace out homies. Six two and even!

Si no te gusta, mira salta en tu silla.  Just drop your pants and jump!  Jump… jump… jump.  -King Changó

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  You know the story.  You know his 49ers were down 20-3 and he just wanted to illustrate how badly they were playing.  So, Mike Singletary did what anybody would do in such trying times.  Mike Singletary dropped his pants.  Samurai Mike:  “I needed to do something to dramatize my point; there were other ways I could have done it but I think this got the message across.”  Mike Singletary is not alone.          Read More »

Because it’s murder by numbers, one, two, three.  It’s as easy to learn as your abc’s.  -The Police

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  John Brodie.  Joe Cool Montana.  Steve Young.  Alex Smith?  Ever since Terrell Owen’s boyfriend Jeff Garcia left town, there has been a dearth at the quarterback position in San Francisco.  There’s something missing from my life.  Cuts me open like a knife.  It leaves me vulnerable.  I have this disease.  I shake like an incurable.  God help me, please.  The 49ers need help and they’re not getting from one Alex Smith.  He came to town the proverbial knight in shining armor.  I’ll be your savior, steadfast and true.  I’ll come to your emotional rescue.  Alex was the Niners and the NFL’s number one overall draft pick in 2005.  Scored one of the highest scores on the Wonderlic Test of any quarterback.  You hear that Mighty Vince Young?  A lot of good it has done him. 

Smith is making his thirtieth NFL start this evening.  At the ripe old age of 23 years and 189 days, he is the youngest quarterback in NFL history at the time of his thirtieth start.  He will be passing Drew Bledsoe.  He will be passing Fran Tarkenton.  One thing he won’t be doing is outpassing either of them.  Smith was the fifteenth quarterback selected with the first overall pick since 1970.  The fewest TD passes in the first 30 NFL starts  by a QB who was the number one pick is twenty-one.  Both Terry Bradshaw and David Carr.  Smith has just nineteen passes in his first 29 starts.  Tonight, he could easily break that record.  A dubious record at best.  Which dubious you beous?  With Smith at the helm, other dubious milestones are falling like flies.  And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows.  All the good girls are home with broken hearts.  And I’m free.  Free fallin’. 

The 49ers had fewer than 200 net passing yards in each of its last 21 games.  Just so you know.  You know like Adrian Barbeau.  You know like Henry David Thoreau.  Quid pro quo Clarice.  Quid pro quo.  Just so you know, That’s the longest such streak for any NFL team since 1978.  And just so you know something else, 1978 is the year that several rule changes were implemented to increase offense production in the National Football League.  They may have to change some more to help Alex.

Need more?  In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more!  With a rebel yell, she cried more, more, more!  The 49ers are averaging 3.75 yards per plass play this season.  That’s the second lowest average by any NFL team over the past 30 years.  Goodness!  Badness.  Only the ’92 Seahawks were worse.  The ’92 Seahawks led by the inimitable Kelly Stoffer, Stan Gelbaugh and Dan McGwire. 

It gets worse.  It’s a curse.  A curse in a hearse.  The 49ers have not had a QB throw for 300 since Tim Rattay threw for 417 in ’04.  That streak of 51 straight games without a 300-yard performance is the longest current drought by any NFL team.  It’s the longest 49ers drought since they didn’t get their kicks in 1966. 

Here’s a few more tidbits displaying Alex Smith’s ineptitude:

• Last Week:  17-38.  149 yards.  No TDs.  Three interceptions.  22.8 passer rating.  The lowest passer rating in 49ers history.
• Smith’s longest passing gain this season was a 34 yard completion to Darrell Jackson.  Only one other QB this year has thrown at least 100 passes with none of them going for 35 yards or more.  Air McNair.
• Smith is on pace to throw 330 passes this season.  He is completing them at a rate of 49.7 percent.  It has been nine years since an NFL QB threw at least 300 passes in a season and completed fewer than half of them.  Craig Whelihan and Kerry Collins in 1998.
• Smith has a 40.2 passer rating on third down.  The lowest among players with at least 40 third down attempts.  Next worse?  Jon Kitna, 53.

So tonight Alex faces the Seahawks’ schizophrenic pass rush.  The last time Smith faced the Seahawks, the NFL’s lowest-rated passer had his throwing shoulder separated.  Tonight he is without starting left tackle Jonas Jennings and starting right guard Justin Smiley.  Tonight he will murder 49ers fans with numbers. 

Public Acknowledgements:  Rolling Stones, Seymour Siwoff, What’s Happening, Tom Petty, Silence of the Lambs and Billy Idol

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

It’s the real thing.  -Coca Cola

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Everybody’s yammering about Adrian Peterson.  All Day, baby!  All Day.  Everybody’s jammering about Marshawn Lynch.  Money baby!  Money.  Chicks dig the long ball.  Dudes dig fantasy.  Coaches dig defense.  Defense wins championships. 

Push ‘em back.  Hit ‘em hard.  Make ‘em fight for every yard.  Patrick Willis pushes ‘em back.  Patrick Willis hits ‘em hard.  Patrick Willis makes ‘em fight for every yard.  For my money, Patrick Willis is the best rookie of this crop.  Cream of the crop.  Rising to the top.  Rose to the top in week one.  Eleven tackles and forced a fumble in week one.  Willis led the 49ers in total tackles and found himself tied atop the league leaders with nine solo tackles.  This cat hasn’t slowed down since.  Slow down, baby, now you’re movin’ way too fast.  You gotta gimme little lovin’, gimme little lovin’.  Owww!  If you want our love to last. 

Not a chance.  Willis finds a way to be involved week in and week out.  Eight days a week.  In pass coverage.  On run plays.  He’s fierce.  He’s explosive.  I’m TNT.  I’m dynamite.  TNT, and I’ll win that fight.  TNT.  I’m a power load.  TNT.  Watch me explode.  Exploding up the field.  Sniffing out the ball carrier.  Sniffing out the ball carrier and making the tackle.  This kid is getting ten to twelve tackles a game and is really really active.  Got to concentrate.  Don’t be distractive.  Turn me on tonight.  ‘Cause I’m radioactive. 

If it moves, Willis tackles it.  Twelve tackles in his last game against the Ravens.  Second in tackles in the league.  In the league!  The National Football League.  A league of his own.  To achieve the incredible you have to attempt the impossible.  Patrick Willis is attempting the impossible.  Tackles are not an official NFL statistic.  You will not find any record as to the most tackles in any season.  However, unofficial statistics based on team coaches review have rookie Willis with sixty-five tackles through five games.  On pace to tie the unofficial NFL record for tackles in a season.   Hardy Nickerson of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ unofficial NFL record for tackles in a season.  Hardy Nickerson of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ 214 tackles in 1993.  Yowza! 

Patrick Willis is strong.   Patrick Willis is powerful.  He delivers the big hit.  But most importantly, most importantly, Willis brings great leadership on the field and contributes extensively to the community off of it.  He’s a character guy.  I’m the type of guy that loves a dedicated lady.  Their boyfriends are borin’, and I can drive ‘em crazy.    The kind of guy you want on your football team.

Public Acknowledgements:  House of Pain, San Francisco Chronicle, Beatles, AC/DC, The Firm, League of Their Own and LL Cool J

Public Spectacle:
This episode of Josh Q. Public powered by Coca Cola

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

I’ll be your savior, steadfast and true.  I’ll come to your emotional rescue.  -Rolling Stones

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Watchoo talkin’ bout Willis?  Patrick Willis.  Linebacker.  Ole Miss.  You’re the one that we want. Woo hoo hoo.  The one we need.  Oh, yes indeed.  Teddy Bruschi is thinking about retiring.  If he retires now he is a legend in New England forever, and will probably end up in the Hall.  Mike Vrabel is not getting any younger.  Undrafted free agent linebacker Eric Alexander made his first career start against the Colts in the AFC Championship game.  The Patriots need help.  The Patriots need help at linebacker.  They need a new quarterback smacker.  A new jacker on the attacker.  The need Patrick Willis.  They just got Adalius Thomas.  He’s a quarterback smacker.  He smacks the quarterback.  He smacked the quarterback  eleven times this year.  You saw him smack Charlie Frye.  Boy howdy, did he smack Charlie Frye.  Got him in the eye.  Flattened him like a Boston cream pie.  But when you play in the old three-four, you can never have too many good linebackers.  Patrick Willis is a good linebacker.               Read More »