Anybody know what the Olsen twins are doing these days? Of course you don’t, nobody does. The fact that they have disappeared off the face of the earth is a grim reminder to us all that even the brightest young stars fade away and die at some point. They had a great run, they lit up televisions in American living rooms for years with their antics as little Michelle. But things that great don’t last forever and eventually the girls grew older; their egos got the best of them. They grew too big for Bob Saget’s house and they made the biggest mistake of their lives, they thought they were too good to play the role that they were born to play.
You know the message that you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. –Jerry Seinfeld
On November 29, 2008, things took a turn for the worse for the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. The teams’ star wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, made an ill fated decision that would inevitably alter the direction of the Giants season and the remainder of his career as a pro-athlete. I am speaking of course about the fact that he consciously chose to wear sweat pants to a night club.
In hindsight, it was the second biggest mistake of his life; the first being that he shot himself in the leg to distract people from the poor outerwear choices that he made earlier that evening. Though a fashion faux pas of this magnitude would end any normal athlete’s chances at receiving invites to red carpet events, Plax seems to be bullet proof (apparently not in a literal sense) when it comes to falling out of the spotlight.
Matty told Hatty, “That’s the thing to do. Get you someone really to pull the wool with you.” Wooly bully, wooly bully. Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully. -Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs
This ain’t no Weekend at Bernies. This ain’t no Weekend With Maurie and Connie. No. I’m like Sam Quint. I’m not talkin’ about pleasure boatin’ or day sailin’. I’m talkin’ about workin’ for a livin’. I’m talkin’ about sharkin’. I’m talking about NFL Wildcard Weekend. I’m talking about NFL Playoff football. Growds folks’ football. Win or go home football. In this version of the NFL, there’s two kinds of teams my friend: Those with big time quarterbacks, and those who dig. Let’s see who’s who, shall we? Sure we shall!
Last offseason the Philadelphia Eagles, because they’re just better people than the rest of us, saw through all of the negativity and cynicism and signed Michael Vick. Nay, this was not a decision based upon some selfish desire to make their football team better, as most of us would do, but a selfless sacrifice at the alter of humanity, a lone hand reaching out to pull a troubled soul back from the edge of the Abyss.
We’ve come a long long way together. Through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby. I have to praise you like I should. -Fatboy Slim
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! As we all know by now, Donovean McNabb has been traded to the Washington Redskins. It’s hard to believe that through McNabb’s tenure as quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, he is still not considered one of the greats of the game. His eleven years in football have been punctuated by episode after episode that have somehow taken some of the sheen off his brilliance. You had Rush Limbaugh’s comments that McNabb was overrated as a quarterback because he’s black. You had the great debate about whether or not he threw up during the final drive of Super Bowl XXXIX. You had ridicule for not knowing NFL teams could tie. You had TO. You had the benching. Yes sports fans, you had all of that, but what you really have, is one of the greatest quarterbacks of this generation.
Matty told Hatty about a thing she saw. Had two big horns and a wooly jaw. Wooly bully, wooly bully. Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully. -Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! That’s right folks, I’m back! Flew in from Miami Beach BOAC, didn’t get to bed last night. On the way the paper bag was on my knee. Man I had a dreadful flight. And boy are my arms tired. But I am back. Back in the nick of time. Back in a mouse click of time. Like Mike Tyson, back, hitting like a f’n mule kick in time. Back in time for wild and wooly card Saturday. So let’s get to this. Like we always knew this. Like my main man Marvin Lewis. Shall we? Sure we shall.
Monday Monday, so good to me. Monday Monday, it was all I hoped it would be. Oh Monday morning, Monday morning couldn’t guarantee that Monday evening you would still be here with me. -Mamas & The Papas
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Monday, Monday, Monday! You know what that means. That means it’s time to analyze and dissect what happened on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Like my main man Walter Payton always ays, ““Never die easy. Why run out of bounds and die easy? Make that linebacker pay. It’s ok to lose, to die, but don’t die without trying, without giving it your best.” Let’s look and see who didn’t die easy. Let’s look and see who made them pay. Who gave it their best. Better than all the rest. Shall we? Sure we shall.
It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause that’s my funday. My I don’t have to runday. It’s just another manic Monday. -The Bangles
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Like my main Frank Gifford always says,”Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.” Well, did you survive? Huh? Did ya? Good. Now let’s see who else survived. Let’s see who else stayed alive. Ah ah ah ah stayin’ alive. Shall we? Sure we shall.
Well, its one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, cat, go. -Carl Perkins
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Call him Jimmy Two Times. And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like: ”I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.” Last night DeSean Jackson got the papers, got the papers. Last night, DeSean Jackson scored two touchdowns. Scored two touchdowns. He scored one touchdown on a 67-yard run. He scored another touchdown on a 57-yard passing play. For those of you who keep track of these sorts things, you should know DeSean now joins the Titans’ Chris Johnson as NFL players with touchdowns of 50 or more yards on both a run and a catch in one game this season. You should also know, over the 22 seasons from 1987 to 2008, only one player, Clinton Portis, had touchdowns of 50-plus yards on both a run and a catch in one game. Sweet sassy molassy!
[pro-player width='455' height='253' type='video']http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD0fRJSZrvY[/pro-player]
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Eagles! Redskins! Who’s excited that doesn’t live in Philly or DC? There’s a clause, funny how that works. There have been some good Monday night games this year (see Bills vs. Pats and Jets vs. Dolphins). Honestly folks, why does ESPN have to subject us to the crapfest that will be the Eagles vs. Redskins? The Eagles are coming off a loss to the Raiders. THE FUCKING RAIDERS! And the Redskins are going nowhere fast. Let’s see, first they hired a former bingo caller to call plays for them. Then players began blasting the front office. And if that weren’t enough, the offense hasn’t scored more than 17 points in a game this year. Whatever will the Redskins do?
Here’s the solution…You ready? Huh? Are you?