Opening day is just two weeks away.  Ahhhh, baseball.  The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball.  America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  I know it’s a little early.  I know what Bill Veeck said.  I know he said, “This is a game to be savored, not gulped.  There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”  I don’t care.  I want it all.  I want it now.  I want to know what the Big Fundamental wants to know.  “Good, better, best.  Never let it rest.  Until your good is better and your better is best.”  Who’s good?  Who’s the best?  Today we will discuss who’s the best.  We’ll discuss who’s the worst.  And we’ll discuss everything in between.  So, without further ado, let’s hand out the hardware:         

Willie Mays Award – Best Player on the Planet

No news here.  No gnews is good gnews.  Good gnews for the St. Louis Cardinals.  This award goes to Albert Pujols.  Tony LaRussa calls him the perfect player.  Sports Illustrated calls him the perfect player.  Who am I to argue?  The standards for greatness are simple.  1)  You must be an outstanding hitter.  Braves third baseman Chipper Jones, a future Hall of Famer, calls Albert Pujols “the greatest right-handed hitter I’ve ever seen.”  Gary Sheffield, a member of the 500 home run club, calls Pujols “the best hitter I’ve ever seen because he has done it since day one.”  He sure has Gary, he sure has.  Pujols’ worst year? 2007 when he hit .317 with 32 homeruns and 103 RBI.  Yikes!  2)  You must be at least a competent base runner.  There is a difference between a great base stealer and a great baserunner.  Rickey Henderson was a great base stealer; Albert Pujols is a great baserunner.  He has eyes in the back of his head on the bases.  He always knows where he is, where the ball is and where the defender is.  He never makes the third out at third base.  That’s a great baserunner.  3)  You must be a good defensive player.  Albert is so great offensively, he doesn’t get enough credit for his defense.  But God help the runner who is on second with no one out that jogs his way to third on a ground ball to the right side because Albert, with that arm, will  gun him down at third.  See., this guy just hasn’t got any weaknesses.  Not a one.  He is, by far, the best baseball player on the planet.

Teddy Ballgame Award – Best Hitter

This one may surprise you.  Pies in the skies you.  Hello, anybody home?  McFlys you.  I don’t care.  All I know is, Miguel Cabrera, as the kids say these days, rakes. Oh yes, he drinks too, but he rakes.  Good times.  Miggy rakes.  Bad times.  Miggy rakes.  Business bad?  Fuck you, pay me.  Oh, you had a fire?  Fuck you, pay me.  Place got hit by lightning huh?  Fuck you, pay me.  That’s Miguel Cabrera.  He rakes the ball to he ball to left.  He rakes the ball to he ball to right.  He rakes the ball to center.  He rakes the ball all over the gosh darned field.  That ability to hit the ball to all fields, hit with power and average, is why Cabrera is considered by his peers one of the best hitters in baseball.  He was voted by managers the best hitter in the American League in a Baseball America poll.  I vote for him too.  Rock the vote!  Vote Miguel Cabrera.

Sandy Koufax Award – Best Pitcher

This one’s not even close.  This one goes to none other than Roy Halladay.  Roy Halladay is the hardest working man in the big show business.  There’s no business like big show business, like no business I know.  Roy Halladay is a throw back.  A go back.  An Adrianne Barbeau back.  Like my main man Leo Mazzone always says, ”We pay attention to pitch counts, but there are a bunch of priorities ahead of pitch counts…What if a guy’s out there, he’s got a hundred pitches and he isn’t tired?”   Ya what about that?  What about Roy Halladay?  Randy Johnson had his left-handed slingball.  Pedro Martínez had that changeup and flair.  Greg Maddux had the ultimate control. Halladay is just really good at everything.  It is the difference between being great and remarkable.  Roy Halladay is indeed remarkable.

Freddy Lynn Award – Best Offensive Rookie 

I’m not talking about Domonic Brown.  I’m not talking about Freddie Freeman.  I’m not talking about Mike Moustakas  or Dustin Ackley.  I’m not talking about treasure boating or game sailing.  I’m talking about sharking.  That’s right, I’m talking about Peter Bourjos.  They don’t call him Gorgeous Bourjos for nothing.  When you take over centerfield duties from a Torii Hunter, you’re doing something.  You’re doing something special.  This kid is special.  I wish I was special.  You’re so fucking special.  So special that if he had played the entire season, he easily could have had the greatest single-season Wins Above Replacement performance by a centerfielder in MLB history with a 5.1 clip.  Yowza!  So far this spring, Bourjos is hitting .333 with a .424 on-base percentage with five hits over his past 10 at bats.  If he keeps that up, he just may turn into the best centerfielder in baseball today.  It used to mean something to be the best centerfielder in baseball.  Like it used to mean something to be the Heavyweight Champion of the World.  Like it used to mean something to be the Fastest Man Alive.   I still think it means something and so should you.

Mark Fidrych Award – Best Rookie Pitcher

This guy would have been a clear number one in most organizations but this guy plays for the Tampa Bay Rays.  Jeremy Hellickson, the Rays’ second best pitching prospect, has been overshadowed by David Price for some time now.  That ends here.  He ain’t gonna be overshadowed no more!  Nobody puts Baby in the corner!  Hellickson is a power pitcher.  He’s a tower of a power pitcher.  The man of the hour.  Tower of power.  I’ll devour.  I’m gonna tie you up and let you understand that I’m not your average man when I got a baseball in my hand.  Daaammmnnn!!!!!  Chicks may dig the longball, but we here at JQP Productions dig us some strikeout pitchers.  We dug us some Nolan Ryan.  We dug us some Randy Johnson.  We dug us some Pedro Martinez.  We dig Jeremy Hellickson.

Brooks Robinson Award – Best Defensive Player

Kevin Youkilis won the Gold Glove award for first basemen in 2007.  In 2008, he was robbed.  Robbed, I tells ya.  Carlos Pena?  Really?  It’s a travesty.  It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.  When Youk plays first, he is the best first baseman in baseball.  When Youk plays third, he is the best third baseman in baseball.  When Youk is in the outfield, he is the best outfielder in baseball.   Terry Francona thinks so too:  “He just looks at the lineup card…he doesn’t care.  He’ll play third, he’ll play first, he’s gone to the outfield a couple of times.  He just does it.  And he helps us win.”  And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?  Winning?  You bet your bippy it is.

Hank Greenberg Award – Best Jewish Ballplayer

They don’t call him the Hebrew Hammer for nothin’.  This award goes to Ryan Braun.  I really wanted to give this Youkilis, but he already got an award.  In all honesty I really wanted to give this award to Youkilis because I really wanted to post this video:

Jim Abbot Award – Best Story Player

I’ve always liked Dontrelle Willis.  When he was mowing ‘em down for the Florida Marlins all crooked hatted and high kicking, there was nothing like it.  Nothing like it at all.  His smile was infectious.  His style impetuous.  He was just ferocious. He wanted your heart.  He wanted to eat your children.  Praise be to Allah!  Now, after a myriad of problems, he’s trying to hang on in Cincinnati as a reliever.  I, for one, hope he makes it.

Lou Brock Award – Stolen Bases 

Joe Morgan once said:  “A good base stealer should make the whole infield jumpy.”   So that’s what we want to know.  Who in 2011 makes the whole infield jumpy?  Carl Crawford, that’s who!  There’s only one thing you gotta know about Carl Crawford, he’s an ath-uh-lete.  Recruited by UCLA to play point guard.  Recruited by Nebraska to play quarterback.  Carl Crawford chose baseball and aren’t we all glad he did?  He’s a sight to behold.  Against my beloved Red Sox, he was a record tying sight to behold.  As he slid into second at the Trop, he slid into a tie for the modern major league record with six stolen bases in one game.  How about that?  How about this?   Crawford is the first player with at least forty hits and twenty or more stolen bases in a single calendar month since, yup, you guessed it, Rickey Henderson.  When you get your name up there with Rickey, you’re doing some things.  Some historic stolen base things.

Impossible Dream Award – Cinderella Team:  Cinderella story.  Outta nowhere.  It looks like a miracle.  It’s in the hole!  It’s in the hole!  It’s in the hole!   The Florida Marlins.

Cecil Fielder Award – Fattest Player: Bartolo Colon.  Ever wonder whatever happened to Eddy Curry?  I think Bartolo ate him.

Andres Galarraga Award – Comeback Player:   Manny Ramirez

Jeff Bagwell Award – Biggest Trade Deadline Move:  Carlos Beltran

Ron Blomberg Award – Designated Hitter: Adam Lind

Sparky Anderson Award – Top Manager:  Buck Showalter

Clearasil Award – Breakout Performance:  Hisanori Takahashi

Stan Musial Award – Lifetime Achievement:  Mariano Rivera

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Lucky there’s a family guy.  Lucky there’s a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us laugh and cry.  He’s a family guy!  -Family Guy

Public Service Announcement:  I do love me some Family Guy.  I do love me some sports.  Put ‘em together what do you get?  You get a whole boatload of fun.  A ton of fun. An overabundance of fun. A gaggle of fun.  A barrel full of monkeys of fun.  A plethora of fun.  Like my main El Guapo always says, “You just told me I have a plethora and I would like to know if you know what a plethora is.  I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.”  I know what it means to have a plethora.  So let’s do this.  Like we always knew this.  Like my man Jerry Lewis.  Let’s all have us some Family Guy fun, shall we?  Sure we shall.  And awaaaaay we go! 

Tiger Woods:

Jeff Carter and Scott Hartnell:

Danilo Gallinari:

CC Sabathia:

Tom Cable and Randy Hanson:

Marcus Jordan:

Raja Bell:

Jayson Williams:

Peace out Homies.  Six two and Even!

It had to be you, it had to be you.  I wandered around, and finally found the somebody who could make me be true and could make me be blue.  -Frank Sinatra

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Make no mistakes about it, I love me some Manny Ramirez.  But, first thing’s first.  First thing is, I did not like the way Manny Ramirez went out.  Not one bit.  I did not like it in a box.  I did not like it with a fox.  I did like the two rings he brought to Boston.  I did like having the best right handed hitter that baseball has ever seen.  The best there’s ever been.  A lean mean hitting machine.  Liked it a lot.  But now he’s gone.  That’s life, that’s what all the people say.  You’re riding high in April.  Shot down in May.  But Manny changed that tune.  Now that he’s back on top, back on top in June July.      

If you stayed up late last night, you saw it.  I stayed up late.  I saw it. 

• Just like I saw Kirk Gibson.  “I don’t believe…what I just saw!  I don’t believe what I just saw!” 
• Just like I saw Kirby Puckett.  “Way back, way back, it’s gone!  Touch ‘em all, Kirby Puckett!  Touch ‘em all!” 
• Just like I saw Joe Carter.  “Joe Carter, with a three-run homer, the winners, and still world champions, the Toronto Blue Jays!” 
• Just like I saw Big Papi.  “Ortiz into deep right field, back is Sheffield, we’ll see you later tonight!” 

Yes sports fans, last night, I saw Mr. Manny Ramirez.

Last night, on Manny Bobble-Head night, I saw Ramirez came off the bench with the crowd in a frenzy.  Last night, I saw Ramirez came off the bench with the crowd in a frenzy and smash a pinch-hit grand slam deep into the heart of Mannywood for the first pinch-hit homer of his career.  Hooray Manny!  

Say what you want about Mr. Manny Ramirez, but know this.  Know that last season, after signing with the Los Angeles Dodgers, Ramirez batted .396.  Know Ramirez hit seventeen bombs.  Know he had fifty-three RBIs in those fifty-three games.  Know that he fell just one bomb shy of a truncated triple crown for that time for the entire Major League.

Last season, Manny was brought to Tinseltown for one reason and one reason only.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves catching the Diamondbacks.  As always, should any member of your team be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions.  This message will self-destruct in five seconds.  Mission accomplished.  And beyond. 

Mission accomplished because because Manny rakes.  That’s what he does.  Cleveland.  Boston.  LA.  Manny rakes.  Good times.  Manny rakes.  Bad times.  Manny rakes.  Business bad?  Fuck you, pay me.  Oh, you had a fire?  Fuck you, pay me.  Place got hit by lightning huh?  Fuck you, pay me.  That’s what Manny being Manny is really all about.  You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around.  That’s what it’s all about!

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

I’ll go but I’ll be back again, ’cause I told you once before good-bye, but I came back again.  -The Beatles

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Major League Baseball, I’m putting you on notice.  I’m letting you know that soon, the Los Angeles Dodgers are going to be one scary baseball team.  One very, very, scary baseball team.  Scarier than they are already are now.  Very, very, much scarier.  Rob Flippo, whose regular job is to serve as bullpen catcher for the Dodgers, says Manny Ramirez is hitting better now than he was before the start of his 50-game suspension for violating MLB’s drug policy.  Yowza!  Say what you want about Manny, but you know what that means boys and girls?  Huh?  Do Ya?  That means bad news for everybody else.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Vote, baby vote.  Vote, baby vote.  Are you registered baby?  -Dee Lite

Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go!  Everybody’s yakking about Manny Ramirez making the All Star team.  Everybody’s quacking about Manny making the All Star team.  Everybody’s talking smacking about Manny making the All Star team.  Bud Selig is weighing his options:  “I’m going to think about that.  It bothers me that someone would cheat.”  It didn’t seem to bother him when folks were hitting the ball a country mile while Major League Baseball was hitting the jackpot.  Joe Torre disagrees with Wilfred Brimley.  Joe Torre does not think it’s the right thing to do and the right way to do it:  “He didn’t earn, other than from his reputation, to be, this year, in the All-Star game.”  Funny, I remember back in 2001 Torre picking seven Yankees to the All Star team.  Seven!  Picking them for their reputation.  Mike Stanton?  Honestly.  Bernie Williams:  “‘You take care of him and do everything in your power to make him look good, and he’s going to do everything in his power to make you look good.”  I guess Manny carrying the Dodgers on his back into the playoffs didn’t make Joe look good enough.  So Binky, you’re all fed up with state of baseball?  You’ve had enough of the hypocrisy?  You wanna make a difference?  You wanna make a stand?  Huh?  Do ya?  Good.  Vote Manny! 

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away.  I ain’t missing you, no matter what my friends say.  -John Waite

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  True blue Dodgers fans may be pissed at Manny Ramirez.  Joe Torre may call it a disappointment.  But I’ll show you one cat who ain’t upset.  I’ll show you one cat who’s flying high as a jet.  One cat whose life is now as sweet as a crepe Suzette.  That one cat is Juan Pierre.  Last night, Juan Pierre had three hits in the Dodgers’ win over the Rockies.  Pierre is hitting .422 since Manny‘s suspension began on May 7. Only two National League players have a higher batting average than Pierre over that span.  Only Miguel Tejada and Casey Blake.   Maybe Manny should give up his All Star spot to Juan Pierre.  Just saying.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Bigmouth, la la la, bigmouth.  Bigmouth strikes again and I’ve got no right to take my place with the Human race.   -The Smiths 

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Nobody likes a big mouth.  I know I said I’d be back at full strength today.  I lied.  More like Monday.  But still.  But still, I saw this and had to write something.  I saw the LA Times article with the headline: HCG Not Found In Manny Ramirez Drug Test.  Like Eddie Murphy always says,  “We need a hook.  We need an eye catcher.”  That headline hooked me.  That headline caught my eye.       

But from everything I read in the article, the one thing that bothered me the most was this:  “All the sources asked not to be identified because they were not authorized to speak publicly about the test results.”  Show some courage.  Put your name on it.  Nobody likes a coward.  And another thing, if these sources who asked not to be identified worked for me, I would find them and I would fire them. 

Just like if I were Alex Rodriguez, I would find the guys who leaked that drug test, and who also were not authorized to speak publicly about the test results, but did, and sue them with everything I had.  I want you to get this fuck where he breathes!  I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him DEAD!  I want his family DEAD!  I want his house burned to the GROUND!  I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!

Don’t get me wrong, I hate this whole steroid issue.  I do.  Guys broke the rules.  Guys broke the rules for money.  But isn’t that what these big mouths are doing?

Public Spectacle: 

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!

We’re on a road to nowhere, come on inside.  Takin’ that ride to nowhere, we’ll take that ride. -Talking Heads.  

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Joe Torre says, “The worst thing I think a person can be is a disappointment to somebody else.”  Joe Torre says, “Manny feels like a disappointment.” Joe Torre is right.  Manny Ramirez‘ fifty game suspension for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs is going to crush this Dodgers team.  Since the start of the 2008 season, the Dodgers are 50-30 (.625) with a .283 team batting average and are averaging five runs per game in the 80 games Ramirez has played.  In the games without Ramirez, the Dodgers are 55-57 (.491) with a .257 team batting average and are averaging 4.2 runs per game.  That’s more than a dsisappointment.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Another one bites the dust.  Hey, I’m gonna get you too.  Another one bites the dust.  -Queen 

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  More on this story as it breaks but the LA Times is reporting Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs and will be suspended 50 games starting today.  Ay carumba!  Last season, Manny was brought to Tinseltown for one reason and one reason only.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves winning the National League West.  As always, should any member of your team be caught or killed, or use steroids, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions.  This message will self-destruct in five seconds.  The Dodgers have just self destructed.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!