Carl Yastrzemski once said, “I remember I was a scared rookie, hitting .220 after the first three months of my baseball season, and doubting my ability.” Here are some guys who don’t have to doubt nothin’. But before we get to them, I want to get to something else. I want to get to the greatest rookie of them all. I want to get to Freddy Lynn. Rookie, rookie. Who gets the cookie. Who’s got the woh oh oh oh, woh oh oh oh, right stuff? Freddy Lynn had the right stuff. That marshmallow fluff. Sho’ nuff. The Rookie of the Year Award should now and forever more be called the Fred Lynn Award. The best rookie season evah. Evah! Sherman, set the way back machine to 1975. Fenway Pahk. Rookie Fred Lynn in center. Rookie Big Jim Ed Rice in left. The Gold Dust Twins. But Jim Ed got hurt, and Freddy turned out to be goldener. Stay gold, Freddy. Stay gold.
Hey young world, the world is yours. Hey young world, the world is yours. Young world, young world, the world is yours. -Slick Rick
Ok, here we go! You know what the man says. The man says pitching wins championships. The man says you’re only as good as your next starter. Sparky Anderson says, “If I ever find a pitcher who has heat, a good curve, and a slider, I might seriously consider marrying him, or at least proposing.” Well, I found some guys. Sparky better go buy a ring. Heck, he should go all Big Love and buy five of them.
What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers. What does it take to be number one? Hey hey hey hey.. -Nelly
Opening day is just two weeks away. Ahhhh, baseball. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. I know it’s a little early. I know what Bill Veeck said. I know he said, “This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.” I don’t care. I want it all. I want it now. I want to know what the Big Fundamental wants to know. “Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.” Who’s good? Who’s the best? Today we will discuss who’s the best. We’ll discuss who’s the worst. And we’ll discuss everything in between. So, without further ado, let’s hand out the hardware:
Here come a riddle, here come a clue. If you were really smart, you’d know what to do when I say, “Why am I going out of my head, whenever you’re around?” The answer is obvious, love has come to town. -Talking Heads
Public Service Announcement: Back in July, the Texas Rangers signed Cliff Lee. Back in July, the Texas Rangers signed Cliff Lee for one reason and one reason only. They signed him for this moment. Like that chick from Steel Magnolias always says, “ I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” The post season is wonderful. So much wonderful, Rangers’ fans will need plastic surgery to remove their godamn smiles. They’re gonna be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of their assholes! Now that’s wonderful. 39 lost seasons of wonderful. But none so wonderful as Cliff Lee.
What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers. -Nelly
Public Service Announcement: Looky looky here. Looky looky who sits all alone in first place. I used to dream. I used to dream about the money and the cars and girls. But now I see because I’m sitting on top of the world. The Tampa Bay Rays are sitting on top of the world. They’re looking down on creation. They got there the fashioned way. They got there with pitching. Pitching wins championships. Like my main Satchel Paige always says, “My pitching philosophy is simple – keep the ball way from the bat.” That’s what the Rays staff has been doing all season. They’ve been keeping the ball away from the bats.
(MLB 8PM ET) I’m not gonna lie to ya. I’m watching this game for one reason and one reason only. I’m watching this game to watch the Rays lose. I’m sick and tired of these guys. Hating one team is hard enough on the soul. Now I gotta hate two teams? It’s just not right. The Rays are in third place now and that’s where they need to stay. I want them way, way, way behind when the Red Sox face them again come Monday. I want the Twins to get these fucks where they breathe! I want the Twins to find these nancy-boy Rays. I want them dead! I want their families dead! I want their houses burned to the ground! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna piss on their ashes! Get your popcorn ready!
Peace out homies! Six Two and Even!
Hey now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play. Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold. Only shooting stars break the mold. -Smash Mouth
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! I know it’s early. I know we’re not even at the All-Star break yet. I know these things. I’m smart! Not like everybody says. Like dumb. I’m smart and I want respect! Today ends the voting for the 81st MLB All Star Game. I got your ballot. I got your ballot right here. I got your ballot right here for my All So-Far Team:
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feeling. “Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’. -Beastie Boys
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! The Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The toasts of the town. See me walking around, I’m the boy about town that you heard of. Just so many good stories to choose from. So many good stories you can’t lose from. Stories like phenom Evan Longoria. Tower of power. I’ll devour. Hitting the ball a country mile. Stories like a pitching staff with four starters who all throw in the nineties. Who all throw with consistency. Stories like Sports Illustrated picking them over my beloved Red Sox in The American League Beast. And then there’s Carl Crawford. That old compromisin’, enterprisin’, anything but tranquilizing, right on Carl!
The tip’s get clocked, baby. The bond’s get stocked. My style gets rocked. Just like doors get knocked. With legendary status, like my name’s Lou Brock. -Everlast
Public Service Announcement: OK here we go! Here it comes. Here comes baseball. Like my main man Joe DiMaggio always says: “You look forward to it like a birthday party when you’re a kid. You think something wonderful is going to happen.” I’m looking forward to it. I think something wonderful is going to happen. I live for this!
Set free by the Teen Angels from his pre-historic block of glacial ice, comes the worlds first super hero! -Captain Caveman
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Word has it, Johnny Damon wants a two-year deal. Word has it, he has abeen offered a one-year deal from the Atlanta Braves. Word also had it the Detroit Tigers were the team most interested team in Damon. Like my main man Jay-Z always, “When the, streets is talkin, niggaz is gossipin. Bitches all in your shit, what’s the cause of it?” I’m not so sure of the cause, but if ever I am asked about Johnny Damon, I would have this to say: You’re going to love him. He plays hard every night. He plays hurt. He may throw like your Grandma Tilly, but he gets to a lot of balls most outfielders wouldn’t. He’s fearless. He’s the best leadoff hitter I’ve ever seen this side of Rickey Henderson. He steals bases. He scores a ton of runs. My only contention with a team signing him is, with the way he plays, I just don’t know for how much longer he can keep it up.