We live we die.  We laugh and we cry.  We know not why.  Bent on a life between the lines.  End on a sign of the times.  -Bryan Ferry

For some time now you’ve been hearing it.  For some time now, us Sox fans have been jeering it.  Paul Revering it.  One if by land, and two if by sea.  And I, on the opposite shore will be, ready to ride and spread the alarm.  I’m ready to spread the alarm.  I’m ready to tell you Mariano Rivera is on his last legs.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Just another douchebag Boston fan trying to stick it to the Yankees.  Maybe you’re right.  Afterall, it was William Shakespeare who said, “In time, we hate what we often fear.”  Thing is, as time wears on, Mariano is less fearful.  He’s 41 years old for gosh sakes.  41!  Everybody gets old, even the great ones.  When Shaquille O’Neal was asked his opinion about Michael Jordan’s comeback in Washington, Shaq Daddy simply replied, “39 ain’t 29, bro”.  No it ain’t.

Mariano Rivera is one of the great ones.  In fact, he is considered by many baseball experts to be the greatest closer in baseball history:

• Buster Olney says, ”No other player can instill calm in his team’s fans as reliably as Mariano Rivera, the game’s dominant closer and arguably the best relief pitcher of all time .”
• Joe Torre says, “He’s the best I’ve ever been around.  Not only the ability to pitch and perform under pressure, but the calm he puts over the clubhouse”
• Trevor Hoffman, the only closer with more saves than Rivera, says, “He will go down as the best reliever in the game in history.”
• Even my boy, Dennis Eckersley, says, “He is the best ever, no doubt.”

But, as great as  Mariano is, 41 ain’t 31, bro.  Don’t believe me?  Want proof?  Here’s your proof.  I got your proof right here.  Yesterday afternoon Mariano Rivera set a major-league record for consecutive 30-save seasons (nine) when he closed out the Yankees’ victory over the Angels.  Hooray Mariano Rivera!  However, in doing so, he also gave up a three-run bomb to Russell Branyan that cut New York’s lead to one run before Rivera retired the next two batters to earn his record-setting save.   For those of you keeping score at home, in each of his last three appearances, Mariano was charged with at least one run while not recording a single strikeout.  Big deal, you say?  Who cares, you say?  I say that makes the first time that Rivera has done that in three consecutive games in his 17-year major-league career.  First time.  Ever.  That’s gotta mean something, don’t it?  Sure it does.  This does too:  Between 1997 and 2009, Rivera gave up runs in three straight outings exactly four times.  He has now done it three times in the last 15 months.

I know we’ve seen this before.  I know last September Big Mo surrendered runs in three straight outings and then responded with two scoreless games to end the regular season and then added six scoreless outings in the playoffs to boot.  I know that.  This just seems different.  Joe Girardi said, “I don’t think Mo’s forgotten how to pitch.”  Neither do I, but mentally knowing what to do and physically being able to carry it out are two very different things.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Just a little quick one.  Just a little run and stick one.  Run and stick it to the Yankees.  Last night the Yankees were hoping beyond hope that Bartolo Colon would return return to being the pitcher he was before the hamstring blew out.  But you know what Nietzche says.  Nietzche says “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man.”  That torment looked a little something like this:  Colon lasted a paltry two-thirds of an inning while being charged with a ghastly eight runs in his start against the Blue Jays.  Yikes!  That’s bad.  That’s really bad.  How bad?  Glad you asked.  Colon is only the fourth pitcher in Yankees franchise history to allow eight or more first-inning runs in one game. The other Yankees to do that were Allan Russell (July 15, 1919 vs. Senators, 2nd game, eight runs), Andy Hawkins (Sept. 26, 1989 at Boston, eight runs) and Orlando Hernandez (June 18, 2000 vs. White Sox, nine runs).  Orlando Hernandez?  That begs the question:  Can Bartolo do the El Duque Dance? Not on that hammy he can’t!

Peace out Yankees. Six two and even!

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking it’s too early for this.  Like Sean Penn and Chaz Palmenteri, too Hurly Burly for this.  Don’t call me Shirley for this.  That’s what you’re thinking.  It’s not what I’m thinking.  I’m thinking what Yogi Berra is thinking.  I’m thinking, “It gets late awfully early around here.”  Heck, we’re already 36 games into the season.  That’s 2/9 of all games.  That’s 22%.  22% mental.  The other half physical.  Let’s get physical, physical.  I wanna get physical.  Let’s get physical and see what’s what.  Like Stan the Man Musial always says:  “I never realized that batting a little ball around could cause so much commotion.”  These cats are causing a commotion.  A loco-motion.  My little baby sister can do it with ease.  It’s easier than learning your a b c’s.  So come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me.  Come on with me and let’s take a peak at the All So Far Team, shall we?  Sure we shall!          

Catcher:  Alex Avila

The other day, Justin Verlander became just the 29th pitcher in major-league history to throw multiple no-hitters in regular-season play.  Hooray Justin Verlander!  But on that same day, something else happened too.  On that same day, Alex Avila belted a two-run bomb in the fourth inning.  For those of you keeping score at home, that marked his sixth bomb of the season.  Avila now has 23 RBIs and a .282 average to go along with his six homers.  How about that?  After a slow start to the season, folks were questioning Avila’s mechanics.  They wondered if he’d ever become a capable major league hitter.  Well, no one’s questi0ning nothin’ no more.  Since that tough opening series in New York, this kid has become a regular hit machine.  Get upah, get on up.  Get upah, get on up.  Stay on the scene, like a hit machine.  Staying on the scene with the sweetest swing from a Tiger lefty since Mickey Cochrane.

First Base:  Paul Konerko

Paul Konerko is the Rodney Dangerfield of first basemen.  No respect.  No respect at all.  What a childhood he had, why, when he took his first step, his old man tripped him!  When he played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering him up.  No respect I tell ya.  But that changes.  That changes here.  That changes now.  Konerko has been named to four AL All-Star teams.  He’s won the ALCS MVP.  He will forever be beloved by south-siders for his clutcher than clutch grand slam in Game 2 of the 2005.  Thing is, after 14 seasons in the bigs, he’s still getting it done.  So far this season, he has more home runs than Ryan Howard.  So far this season, he has more RBIs than Joey Votto.  He has a higher batting average than Miguel Cabrera and a higher OBP than Albert Pujols.  So far this season, Paul Konerko is the best first baseman in baseball.

Second Base:  Robinson Cano

I hate do this one.  I guess it shows my maturity.  I guess it proves I can be unbiased.  Hooray me!  There was a time where in this space I would proudly feature Dustin Pedroia.  Like the Who, anyhow, anyway I would put my favorite baseball player in this spot.  Anyway, anyhow, anywhere I choose.  But alas, today I cannot.  Today I must give respect where respect is due.  Today, respect is due to Robinson Cano.  Every day, my boy, the Half Bald Prince, sends me a text.  Every day.  Said text goes a little something like this:  Cano is a beast!  Every day.  He’s right. Robby Cano, doncha know!  Believe it or not, last week marked the sixth anniversary of Cano’s major league debut.  Why it seems like only yesterday Cano was being compared to a young Rod Carew.  Today, he is living up to those expectations.  Cano ranks among the American League leaders in almost every major offensive category, and he’s doing it against lefties and righties, fastballs, curves and everything in between.  He’s like Paulie Cicero:  Business bad?  Fuck you, pay me.  Oh, you had a fire?  Fuck you, pay me.  Place got hit by lightning, huh?  Fuck you, pay me.  It’s time for me to pay the piper.  It’s time for me to pay Robinson Cano.

Third Base:  Adrian Beltre

Just so you know, the first post I ever wrote was on Adrian Beltre.  It was short.  It wasn’t so sweet.  It went a little something like this:  “Ok,  here we go!  1st blog ever.  I hope it doesn’t suck.  This is just a test to see if I know what I’m doing.  If I did this right, you will see a picture of Adrian Beltre, who definitely does suck.  I should know.  I drafted him way too high on my fantasy team.”  Now to be fair, that was the year after his monster with the Dodgers.  You know, his infamous $64 million contract year?  And to be honest, I thought this this year would be somewhat similar.  I thought wrong.  Last year, Beltre, in a contract year, put up spectacular numbers for my beloved Red Sox.  Then, during the offseason, the Texas Rangers took most of the money Cliff Lee turned down and gave it to Adrian Beltre.  They have not regretted it.

Shortstop:  Jose Reyes

What?  You thought this was going to be all American Leaguers?  You thought I said are you were alright Spider?  Think again.  Can we say it now?  Huh, can we?  Can we say Jose Reyes is now the best shortstop in New York City.  I got a hundred guns, a hundred clips, I’m from New York, New York.  I got a semi-automatic that spits next time if you talk, you talk.  Jose Reyes is from New York, New York.  Jose Reyes got a hundred clips in his semi-automatic.  Firing at will.  Firing when ready grizzly.  He fired on Friday night alright.  On Friday night, Jose Reyes made Mets fans remember how exciting baseball can be when he is around.  On Friday night, Jose Reyes tripled twice and added a double and a steal just for good measure.  And know this sports fans, Reyes has been doing this kind of thing all season long.  He could very well drive in one-hundred runs.  He could very well score 130 runs and steal seventy bases.  He could very well win a Gold Glove.  He could very well be the best player in beisbol.

Left Field:  Ryan Braun

You gotta have one Jewish guy in here, dontcha?  Sure you do.  Well, here he is.  Here’s the Hebrew Hammer.  Ex-Milwaukee Brewers manager Dave Bristol once said: “There’ll be two buses leaving the hotel for the park tomorrow.  The two o’clock bus will be for those of you who need a little extra work. The empty bus will leave at five o’clock.”   These days, that five o’clock bus should have at least one  more passenger.  These days, that five o’clock bus should have at least Ryan Braun.  Braun has just been named the National League Player of the Month for April.  Through the first month of the 2011 season (including one game played on March 31st), Braun batted .367 (36-for-98) and was tied for the National League lead in both home runs (10) and runs scored (24).  His 36 hits and .724 slugging percentage ranked second in the N.L. while his 23 RBI were good for third. He also added a .457 on-base percentage with three doubles, a triple and three stolen bases.  Yowza!

Center Field:  Matt Kemp

Ahhh, center field.  Once, the most glamorous position in all of baseball.  Once.  You shouldn’t grab me, Johnny.  My mother grabbed me once…Once! There was Ty Cobb.  A man so good that Joe DiMaggio once said, “Every time I hear of this guy again, I wonder how he was possible.” There was Joltin’ Joe hisself.  The Yankee Clipper covered so much ground in center field that the only way to get a hit against the Bombers was to hit ‘em where Joe wasn’t.  There was Willie Mays.  Say hey!  The best centerfielder who has ever been borned.  Where triples went to die.  There was the Mick and the Duke.  Jimmy Wynn and Freddy Lynn.  Cool Papa Bell, so fast he could turn off the light and be in bed before the room got dark.  More recently, we’ve had Kirby, Junior and Ichiro.  It used to mean something to be the best center fielder in baseball.  Like it used to mean something to be the Heavyweight Champion of the World.  Like it used to mean something to be the Fastest Man Alive.  I still think it means something, dammit.  I’m Gumby dammit.

Last year, Matt Kemp had a very forgettable season.  Last year, it seemed he could do nothing right.  This year ain’t last year.  This year it looks like he’s found all five of his tools in his old toolbox.  He is hitting over .336 and is among the NL leaders in home runs, RBI, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, extra-base hits and stolen bases.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, haven’t wee seen this before?  You’re thinking, didn’t he get off this kind of start last year too?  You’re thinking is correct.  However, this is the All So Far Team.  So far, in center field, no one has been better than Matt Kemp.

Right Field:  Lance Berkman

This was a tough one.  A rough one.  No Marshmallow Fluff one.  It was between Jose Bautista and Lance Berkman.  Sorry Jose, but I had to go with the Puma.  April doesn’t fool the Puma, the Puma fools April.  The Puma once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.  When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for the Puma.  The Puma:  “I know the fickle nature of hitting. You can be as hot as a pistol one day, and the next thing you know you can’t figure out where to put your feet.”  This day, Berkman is hot as a pistol.  This day, Berkman knows where to put his feet.  So far, Lance already has two National League Player of the Week awards added to his trophy case.  So far, Lance knocking the ball all around while becoming one of baseball’s greatest comeback stories.  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  Lance Berkman, bitch!

Starting Pitcher:  Jered Weaver

Don’t belive me?  Would you believe the baseball man that’s ever benn borned?  Huh?  Would ya?  Would you believe Peter Gammons?

Weaver is sometimes lost in the storm front known as East Coast Bias, more than half his games starting after 10 p.m. ET.  He is in the shadow of King Felix Hernandez and CC Sabathia…Don’t let the hair and the surfer look fool you.  Weaver led the American League in strikeouts last season, and for 2010-11, he leads the AL in innings pitched, quality starts and strikeouts.  He and Justin Verlander are tied for the league lead in strikeouts this season.  Does a 288-67 strikeout-to-walk ratio work for you?

It works pretty good for me, Peter.

Closer:  Mariano Rivera

Well clearly I have lost my godammed mind.  Two Yankess and nary one gaddong Red Sox.  Buster Olney says, ”No other player can instill calm in his team’s fans as reliably as Mariano Rivera, the game’s dominant closer and arguably the best relief pitcher of all time .” Joe Torre says, “He’s the best I’ve ever been around.  Not only the ability to pitch and perform under pressure, but the calm he puts over the clubhouse.”  Trevor Hoffman, the only closer with more saves than Rivera, says, “He will go down as the best reliever in the game in history.” Even my boy, Dennis Eckersley, says, “He is the best ever, no doubt.”  Who am I to argue with those guys.  I can’t.  Not with what this guy is done doing.  This guy leads all closers in saves.  He leads all closers in saves while sporting a 1.62 ERA and a .84 WHIP.  My goodness!  My greatness.

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Ok, here we go!  Another opening day has come and gone.  Cool Papa Bell once said, “I remember one game I got five hits and stole five bases, but none of it was written down because they didn’t bring the scorebook to the game that day.”  Well, Cool Papa doesn’t have to worry about that today.  I brought my scorebook.  I’m writing it down.    

Curtis Granderson

There was some doubt whether or not Yankees center fielder Curtis Granderson would play in yesterday’s home opener.  On Tuesday Brian Cashman had said, “I won’t sit here today and tell you he will be fine, and I can’t tell you he will be ready.”  I will sit here today and tell you that yesterday Curtis Granderson was both fine and ready.  He was fine and ready making circus catches in both the first and ninth innings.  He was and ready with the winner winner chicken dinner tater in the seventh off lefty Phil Coke.   Just so you know, that winner winner hicken dinner tater in the seventh off lefty Phil Coke marked the third straight tater Granderson has now hit on Opening Day.  How about that?  How about this: Curtis Granderson is now the only player to ever hit an Opening-Day home run both for and against the Tigers.

Leadoffs And Walkoffs In Cincinnati

It was a wild one yesterday in Cincinnati.  It was a made you smiled one yesterday in Cincinnati.  It was I haven’t seen a smile that pretty in while one yesterday in Cincinnati.  Yesterday in Cincinnati, Rickie Weeks and Carlos Gomez began the Brewers-Reds game with back-to-back jacks.  But wait!  There’s more.  Just a little more than three hours later, Ramon Hernandez hit a walk-off three-run homer to give Cincinnati a 7-6 victory.  Hooray Ramon Hernandez!  Hooray Reds!  For those of you keeping score at home, that was the first Opening-Day game in 25 years in which the first batter and the last batter each hit a home run.  For those of you keeping score at home, the last time that happened was in 1986 at Seattle, when the Angels’ Bobby Grich led off the top of the first inning with a homer and Jim Presley hit a game-ending grand slam for the Mariners.  Yowza!

Jason Heyward

Chicks dig the long ball.  So do I.  Braves Outfielder Jason Heyward has power.  Light tower power.  The man of the hour.  Tower of power.  I’ll devour.  I’m gonna tie you up and let you understand that I’m not your average man when I got a baseball bat in my hand.  Daaaaamn!  Jayson Heyward is not your average man. No, he is not.  He has the strength of ten ordinary men.  Hercules!  Hercules!  Hercules!  This kid hit a home run in the first at-bat of his major-league debut last season.  This kid homered in his first at-bat of 2011 in yesterday’s 2-0 win against the Nationals.  Big deal you say?  Who cares you say?  I say Kaz Matsui is the only other player in major-league history to hit a home run in his first at-bat in each of his first two seasons.  (Matsui actually did that in each of his first three seasons.)  I also say, with all due respect to Kaz, he finished his career with just 32 ding-dongs.  Jason Heyward is gonna finish his career with a lot more than 32 ding-dongs.  A helluva a lot more than 32 ding-dongs.  Ding dong.  Who’s there?  Jason Heyward, bitch!

Albert Pujols

Tony LaRussa once said Albert Pujols is  “the perfect player.”  So did Sports Illustrated.  Flavor Flav said, “I know it sounds crazy but it fits perfect.  Peter perfect pimped a perfect Peter.”  Yesterday however, Albert Pujols was the furthest thing from perfect.  Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.  Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.  Oh, I believe in yesterday.  Yesterday, Albert Pujols grounded into three double plays in the Cardinals’ loss to the Padres.  Yikes!  Yesterday, Albert Pujols became the first major-league player to ever ground into three double plays in a season opener. (GIDPs have been recorded since 1933 in National League and since 1940 in the American League.)  But I wouldn’t worry too much about Albert.  Like my main woman Annie always sings, “The sun’ll come out tomorrow.  Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
there’ll be sun!”

Tony LaRussa

More on the Cardinals loss to San Diego.  The Cardinals squandered a 3-2 lead in the ninth inning and lost to the Padres in 11 innings at Busch Stadium, 5-3.  For those of you who care about these sorts of things you should know that  St. Louis was also defeated on Opening Day in 2009 after holding a lead entering the ninth inning, a 6-4 loss to the Pirates.   For those of you who care about these sorts of things you should also know that those are two of only three home losses that Tony La Russa’s club has suffered since 2009, after taking a lead into the ninth inning.

Peace out homies. Six two and even!

Opening day is just two weeks away.  Ahhhh, baseball.  The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball.  America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  I know it’s a little early.  I know what Bill Veeck said.  I know he said, “This is a game to be savored, not gulped.  There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”  I don’t care.  I want it all.  I want it now.  I want to know what the Big Fundamental wants to know.  “Good, better, best.  Never let it rest.  Until your good is better and your better is best.”  Who’s good?  Who’s the best?  Today we will discuss who’s the best.  We’ll discuss who’s the worst.  And we’ll discuss everything in between.  So, without further ado, let’s hand out the hardware:         

Willie Mays Award – Best Player on the Planet

No news here.  No gnews is good gnews.  Good gnews for the St. Louis Cardinals.  This award goes to Albert Pujols.  Tony LaRussa calls him the perfect player.  Sports Illustrated calls him the perfect player.  Who am I to argue?  The standards for greatness are simple.  1)  You must be an outstanding hitter.  Braves third baseman Chipper Jones, a future Hall of Famer, calls Albert Pujols “the greatest right-handed hitter I’ve ever seen.”  Gary Sheffield, a member of the 500 home run club, calls Pujols “the best hitter I’ve ever seen because he has done it since day one.”  He sure has Gary, he sure has.  Pujols’ worst year? 2007 when he hit .317 with 32 homeruns and 103 RBI.  Yikes!  2)  You must be at least a competent base runner.  There is a difference between a great base stealer and a great baserunner.  Rickey Henderson was a great base stealer; Albert Pujols is a great baserunner.  He has eyes in the back of his head on the bases.  He always knows where he is, where the ball is and where the defender is.  He never makes the third out at third base.  That’s a great baserunner.  3)  You must be a good defensive player.  Albert is so great offensively, he doesn’t get enough credit for his defense.  But God help the runner who is on second with no one out that jogs his way to third on a ground ball to the right side because Albert, with that arm, will  gun him down at third.  See., this guy just hasn’t got any weaknesses.  Not a one.  He is, by far, the best baseball player on the planet.

Teddy Ballgame Award – Best Hitter

This one may surprise you.  Pies in the skies you.  Hello, anybody home?  McFlys you.  I don’t care.  All I know is, Miguel Cabrera, as the kids say these days, rakes. Oh yes, he drinks too, but he rakes.  Good times.  Miggy rakes.  Bad times.  Miggy rakes.  Business bad?  Fuck you, pay me.  Oh, you had a fire?  Fuck you, pay me.  Place got hit by lightning huh?  Fuck you, pay me.  That’s Miguel Cabrera.  He rakes the ball to he ball to left.  He rakes the ball to he ball to right.  He rakes the ball to center.  He rakes the ball all over the gosh darned field.  That ability to hit the ball to all fields, hit with power and average, is why Cabrera is considered by his peers one of the best hitters in baseball.  He was voted by managers the best hitter in the American League in a Baseball America poll.  I vote for him too.  Rock the vote!  Vote Miguel Cabrera.

Sandy Koufax Award – Best Pitcher

This one’s not even close.  This one goes to none other than Roy Halladay.  Roy Halladay is the hardest working man in the big show business.  There’s no business like big show business, like no business I know.  Roy Halladay is a throw back.  A go back.  An Adrianne Barbeau back.  Like my main man Leo Mazzone always says, ”We pay attention to pitch counts, but there are a bunch of priorities ahead of pitch counts…What if a guy’s out there, he’s got a hundred pitches and he isn’t tired?”   Ya what about that?  What about Roy Halladay?  Randy Johnson had his left-handed slingball.  Pedro Martínez had that changeup and flair.  Greg Maddux had the ultimate control. Halladay is just really good at everything.  It is the difference between being great and remarkable.  Roy Halladay is indeed remarkable.

Freddy Lynn Award – Best Offensive Rookie 

I’m not talking about Domonic Brown.  I’m not talking about Freddie Freeman.  I’m not talking about Mike Moustakas  or Dustin Ackley.  I’m not talking about treasure boating or game sailing.  I’m talking about sharking.  That’s right, I’m talking about Peter Bourjos.  They don’t call him Gorgeous Bourjos for nothing.  When you take over centerfield duties from a Torii Hunter, you’re doing something.  You’re doing something special.  This kid is special.  I wish I was special.  You’re so fucking special.  So special that if he had played the entire season, he easily could have had the greatest single-season Wins Above Replacement performance by a centerfielder in MLB history with a 5.1 clip.  Yowza!  So far this spring, Bourjos is hitting .333 with a .424 on-base percentage with five hits over his past 10 at bats.  If he keeps that up, he just may turn into the best centerfielder in baseball today.  It used to mean something to be the best centerfielder in baseball.  Like it used to mean something to be the Heavyweight Champion of the World.  Like it used to mean something to be the Fastest Man Alive.   I still think it means something and so should you.

Mark Fidrych Award – Best Rookie Pitcher

This guy would have been a clear number one in most organizations but this guy plays for the Tampa Bay Rays.  Jeremy Hellickson, the Rays’ second best pitching prospect, has been overshadowed by David Price for some time now.  That ends here.  He ain’t gonna be overshadowed no more!  Nobody puts Baby in the corner!  Hellickson is a power pitcher.  He’s a tower of a power pitcher.  The man of the hour.  Tower of power.  I’ll devour.  I’m gonna tie you up and let you understand that I’m not your average man when I got a baseball in my hand.  Daaammmnnn!!!!!  Chicks may dig the longball, but we here at JQP Productions dig us some strikeout pitchers.  We dug us some Nolan Ryan.  We dug us some Randy Johnson.  We dug us some Pedro Martinez.  We dig Jeremy Hellickson.

Brooks Robinson Award – Best Defensive Player

Kevin Youkilis won the Gold Glove award for first basemen in 2007.  In 2008, he was robbed.  Robbed, I tells ya.  Carlos Pena?  Really?  It’s a travesty.  It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.  When Youk plays first, he is the best first baseman in baseball.  When Youk plays third, he is the best third baseman in baseball.  When Youk is in the outfield, he is the best outfielder in baseball.   Terry Francona thinks so too:  “He just looks at the lineup card…he doesn’t care.  He’ll play third, he’ll play first, he’s gone to the outfield a couple of times.  He just does it.  And he helps us win.”  And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?  Winning?  You bet your bippy it is.

Hank Greenberg Award – Best Jewish Ballplayer

They don’t call him the Hebrew Hammer for nothin’.  This award goes to Ryan Braun.  I really wanted to give this Youkilis, but he already got an award.  In all honesty I really wanted to give this award to Youkilis because I really wanted to post this video:

Jim Abbot Award – Best Story Player

I’ve always liked Dontrelle Willis.  When he was mowing ‘em down for the Florida Marlins all crooked hatted and high kicking, there was nothing like it.  Nothing like it at all.  His smile was infectious.  His style impetuous.  He was just ferocious. He wanted your heart.  He wanted to eat your children.  Praise be to Allah!  Now, after a myriad of problems, he’s trying to hang on in Cincinnati as a reliever.  I, for one, hope he makes it.

Lou Brock Award – Stolen Bases 

Joe Morgan once said:  “A good base stealer should make the whole infield jumpy.”   So that’s what we want to know.  Who in 2011 makes the whole infield jumpy?  Carl Crawford, that’s who!  There’s only one thing you gotta know about Carl Crawford, he’s an ath-uh-lete.  Recruited by UCLA to play point guard.  Recruited by Nebraska to play quarterback.  Carl Crawford chose baseball and aren’t we all glad he did?  He’s a sight to behold.  Against my beloved Red Sox, he was a record tying sight to behold.  As he slid into second at the Trop, he slid into a tie for the modern major league record with six stolen bases in one game.  How about that?  How about this?   Crawford is the first player with at least forty hits and twenty or more stolen bases in a single calendar month since, yup, you guessed it, Rickey Henderson.  When you get your name up there with Rickey, you’re doing some things.  Some historic stolen base things.

Impossible Dream Award – Cinderella Team:  Cinderella story.  Outta nowhere.  It looks like a miracle.  It’s in the hole!  It’s in the hole!  It’s in the hole!   The Florida Marlins.

Cecil Fielder Award – Fattest Player: Bartolo Colon.  Ever wonder whatever happened to Eddy Curry?  I think Bartolo ate him.

Andres Galarraga Award – Comeback Player:   Manny Ramirez

Jeff Bagwell Award – Biggest Trade Deadline Move:  Carlos Beltran

Ron Blomberg Award – Designated Hitter: Adam Lind

Sparky Anderson Award – Top Manager:  Buck Showalter

Clearasil Award – Breakout Performance:  Hisanori Takahashi

Stan Musial Award – Lifetime Achievement:  Mariano Rivera

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game Hitting Streak

The argument against:   Since Joe D set the record back in 1941 only Pete Rose has gotten over the 40 game mark.  The only real threat of late has been Jimmy Rollins, who reached 38 games back in 2006.  With the presumed end of the so called “steroid era” we have seen pitching dominate the league in the past 3 years, which won’t make matters easier.

Conclusion: 15% chance the record falls.  Everybody gets on a roll, and if the right guy gets hot at the right time, maybe, there is a chance, but it seems like a longshot.  Most likely candidate to go after this record?  Hard to guess, but we’ll go with Joe Mauer.

Johnny Vander Meer’s Consecutive No-Hitters

The argument against:  Since Vander Meer’s epic 2 night performance back in June of 1938, there has been a boatload of no hitters, but nobody has gotten 2 in a row.  Oh, and to break the record, you would need to pitch 3!

Conclusion: less than 1%.  We just don’t see it happening, especially in today’s baseball of pitch counts and “Joba rules”.  You would need a supremely gifted pitcher, and a rogue manager, to pull this feat off.

Brett Favre’s 297 Consecutive Starts

The argument against:  Football is a violent, no holds barred, take your head off kind of game.  According to the NFLPA, the average NFL career is 3 ½ years, and Favre managed to play for 20.  Not to mention the win now mentality that dominates the NFL landscape, thus making it tougher to stick with a player through a rough patch.

Conclusion: 35% chance the record falls.  First off, a consecutive start doesn’t entail you played the whole game, which gives some wiggle room.  Not mention the propensity to protect QB’s at all cost, coupled with the desire to eliminate helmet to helmet hitting –could help to extend a player’s career. Plus, do punters and place kickers count?  I can certainly see one of those guys sticking around for years and logging a “start” every game.

Michael Phelps, 8 Gold Medals In 2008 Olympic Games

The argument:  First, you have to participate in a sport that allows you to compete in 9 different events.  Then, you have to dominate all 9.  Plus, more than likely, you’ll be in some form of a team relay, which means you may have to rely on other people to come through for you.  That really only leaves swimming and track and field as an option, and in both sports, the margin for error is so small that one mistake could cost you gold by fractions of second.

Conclusion: 15% chance the record falls.  Phelps found the perfect storm of circumstances: events + dominance + luck = record.  While not the easiest formula to follow, perhaps those circumstances can present themselves again someday.

In any event, we could go on all day with the records, but that would be no fun.  What do you, the JPQ faithful, think?  What record will stand the test of time?  Hit the comments and tell us about it…

One lonely Beastie I be.  All by myself, with nobody.  The sun is beating down on my baseball hat.  The air is gettin’ hot, the beer is getting flat.  -Besatie Boys

Public Service Announcement:  Ahhh the baseball cap.  At one time, the baseball cap was worn only by ballplayers for their functionality.  For instance, because all pro baseball games were played in the afternoons, the visors grew steadily longer in the early decades of the 20th century.  But today, the baseball cap has evolved to the point that they are no longer worn only by ball players.  Today they’re worn by celebrities, presidents, teens and truckers alike.  Today they are the staple hat of the American people.  Power to the people!  In light of this, let’s have a look at 10 best baseball caps of all time.  Shall we?  Sure we shall:

Monteal Expos

There was a time I had about twenty baseball hats in my repertoire.  Now, I only have two.   I only have my trusty Red Sox hat and I only have the Montreal Expos hat.  Le bleu-blanc-et-rouge.  Le Tricolore.  Simply a classic.

Baltimore Orioles

I know it’s a little hokey.  I know it’s a little jokey.  I don’t care.  I love it.  The new Orioles hat is just too gosh darned serious.  That hat belongs in a John James Audubon book not on on ballplayers head.  Certainly not on mine.

 Homestead Grays

Now that’s a bseball cap.  Reeks baseball.  Oozes baseball.  Negro League Baseball’s most storied franchise.  Most gloried franchise.  What’s the story, Morning Glory?  The Homestead Grays, bitch!  If this cap was good enough for Josh Gibson, Buck Leonard and Cool Papa bell, it’s good enough for me!

Boston Red Sox

What?  You didn’t think this hat was gonna make it in here?  You know me.  You know I’m a homer.  A shameless homer.  An incorrigible homer.  Doh!  Homer or not, this hat is a classic.  Simple grace.  Not many hats have grace.  You can’t have “a little grace.”  You either have grace, or you…don’t.  This hat has grace.

Houston Astros

Houston Astros, Houston Astros, Houston Astros…Number one!  I know.  Oilers.  But still.  Still, this hat is number one on the charts and number one in our hearts.  The shirts were gaudy, yes.  But the hat?  The hat?  A thing of beauty.  Beauty lies in the eyes of this beholder.

Seattle Pilots

I like this hat for the sheer audacity of it.  The pomp.  The pagentry.  Oh, the humanity!  You may not like it.  You may think it’s atrocious.  Even though the sound of it is something quite atrosicous!  If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious.  Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye! 

New York Yankees

As much as it pains me to put this cap in here, put this cap in here I must.  The Yankees hat is baseball.  It has stood the test of time.  Yes, America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  This hat, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray.

San Francisco Seals

The San Francisco Seals were a minor league baseball team in San Francisco, California, that played in the Pacific Coast League from 1903 until 1957 before transferring to Phoenix, Arizona.  Think Ted Williams.  Think Joe DiMaggio.  Think guys like that there.  But remember, the man doesn’t make the hat.  The hat makes the man.  This hat’ll make a man out of all you.

Minnesota Twins

As you well know, the name “Twins” was derived from the popular name of the region, the Twin Cities.  History lesson:  The NBA’s Minneapolis Lakers re-located to Los Angeles due to poor attendance which was believed to have been caused by the reluctance of fans in St. Paul to support the team. The owner of the Twins was determined not to alienate those fans again.  His desire was to name the team the “Twin Cities Twins.”  The MLB objected.  However,  the original “Twin Cities” TC logo was kept.  Here endeth the lesson.

Team Mexico

I don’t know what it is, I just love this hat.  Maybe it’s the colors.  Like my main man Ice-T always says, “My colors, my honour, my colors, my all.  With my colors upon me, one soldier stands tall.”  You’ll stand tall wearing this hat.

Peace out homies!  Six two and Even!

Andy Pettitte, the man who has started and won more postseason games than any pitcher in baseball history, has decided to retire after 16 major league seasons.  You know what that means boys and girls?  Huh?  Do ya?  Sure you do.  It means, follow the bouncing ball, it means:  Happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again.  So let’s sing a song of cheer again, happy days are here again!  Yes they are sports fans, yes they are.  Without Pettitte, the Yankees rotation is like the 1948 Atlanta Braves rotation.  You remember the 1948 Braves rotation. It wen a little something like this: First we’ll use Spahn, then we’ll use Sain, then an off day followed by rain. Back will come Spahn followed by Sain, and followed we hope, by two days of rain.  Substitute Spahn with Sabathia.  Substitute Sain with Hughes.  Substitute me for him.  Substitute my coke for gin.  Substitute them there, and there you have it.  There you golden calf it.  There’s one weak staff it.      

Andy Pettitte posted an 11-3 record in 21 starts last season. Know this: Only one player in major-league history made at least 20 starts in his final season as a pitcher and compiled a winning percentage as high as Pettitte’s (.786). Only Jocko Flynn who was 24-6 for the Chicago White Stockings in 1886 and never pitched again (although he did play one game as an outfielder for Chicago in 1887). Pettitte also becomes only the second pitcher over the last 20 seasons (1991-2010) to retire immediately after posting a record at least eight games above the .500 mark. The first was his former teammate Mike Mussina, who called it quits after going 20-9 in 2008. But now he’s gone.

But now he’s gone and all the Yankees can do now is put hope beyond hope that A.J. Burnett rebounds from his God-awful 2010 performance.  All they can do now is put hope beyond hope that Bartolo Colon or Freddy Garcia find in Florida what Ponce DeLeon could not.  All they can do now is put beyond hope that Ivan Nova can be as adequate as he was in his seven-start audition last season.  That’s a lot of hoping.   You know what Nietzche says about hope, don’t you?  Nietzche says, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man.”  If there’s nothing I like more than a good Nietche quote, it’s the torment of Yankees fans everyhere.  So take your shoes off.  Put your feet up.  Be a Sox watcher!  Go go Red Sox!  The best doggone team in the land!

Peace out Andy. Six two and even!

Pull up at the function and you know I’m like Kojak to all the party people that are on my bozak.  I’ve got more action than my man John Woo, and I’ve got mad hits like I was Rod Carew.  -Beastie Boys

Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go!  Just a quick one.  A run and stick one.  Every day, my boy, the Half Bald Prince, sends me a text.  Every day.  Said text goes a little something like this:  Cano is a beast!  Every day.  He’s right.  If you’ve been watching Cano during the regular season, or had him on your fantasy team like I did, you’re seeing what folks who have only tuned in to these here ALCS games are seeing.  You’re seeing Robinson Cano in the midsts of a true breakout year.  A gorilla in the midst.              

Wanna know why Robby Cano, Doncha Know, is in the midsts of a true breakout year?  Huh?  Do ya?  Sure you do.  He is the midsts of a true breakout year because he is finally waiting on pitches.  A curve ball’s what my pitch is.  So here we here we come like dum ditty dum, I keep all five boroughs in stitches.

Like the man says, patience is a virtue.  You better listen what the man says.  Robby Cano is.  Plate discipline is what has always stood in the way of Cano’s turning from a good hitter who had the ability to win a batting title into a great hitter who could win an MVP award.  It ain’t standing in the way no more.

Cano is now waiting for better pitches to hit and crushing them for extra bases.  Last night he crushed a bomb over the right-field fence in the third inning of the Yankees’ victory over the Rangers in Game Five of the American League Championship Series.  Hooray Robinson Cano!  Doncha know that was the fourth bomb that Cano has hit in the series?  Doncha know that ties the record in that category in one League Championship Series?  Well, like Bell Biv Davoe, now ya know.

You should also know, Cano is now the first second baseman to ever hit four home runs in one League Championship Series.  He just broke the record he had shared with Adam Kennedy, Jeff Kent and my boy, Dustin Pedroia.  I don’t think the Yankees come out of this thing, but don’t blame Robinson Cano.

Public Spectacle: 

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

You gotta run, run, run, run, run, take a drag or two.  Run, run, run, run, run, Gypsy Death and you.  Tell you whatcha do.  -Velvet Underground

Public Service Announcement:  It should be no shock that over here at JQP Productions, we are backing the Texas Rangers in this here ALCS.  Like my main man Bullet Bob Feller always says, “I would rather beat the Yankees regularly than pitch a no hit game.”  Well, if the Rangers want to beat the Yankees regularly in these playoffs, they better hit the ground running.  Run Forrest, Run!  Run like the wind.  Run like people are chasing them.  Run like the Red Sox ran on them in the last Yankees-Sox series at the Stadium.  You remember, don’t you?  Not only did the Red Sox have four ninth inning stolen bases off Jorge Posada in that series, but they also had two double steals off him in the season finale.  That’s right, two double steals that included Boston’s first steal of home since Jacoby Ellsbury did it against Posada and the Yankees last year.             

See what I’m getting at?  Sure you do.  You’re like Fredo.  You’re smart!  Not like everybody says… like dumb.  The Twins weren’t smart.  The Twins didn’t even try to steal one base off of Posada.  Not one!  Joe Morgan once said, “A good base stealer should make the whole infield jumpy.  Whether you steal or not, you’re changing the rhythm of the game.”  The Twins didn’t make nobody jumpy.  The didn’t learn nothin’ from the Red Sox.  Boston went 18-for-18 stealing bases against Posada this year and 44 out of 61 against every other opponent. They practically gave Minnesota the blueprint for winning against the Yankees:  Run on Posada and then run some more.  But nooooo, the Twins didn’t want to do that. 

You’re really something, Minnesota, you really are.  You know, the Sox didn’t have to come out here.  I didn’t see Baltimore or Toronto come to your aid when your game went down the toilet.  Oh no, you know, it was the Sox.  They came out here, they didn’t have to.  They could have stayed in Boston, by themselves, and let you die out here alone.  But nooooooo!  They gotta come out here and help you, and what do you do?  You turn on them like a shark!

Listen here Texas, don’t turn on the Red Sox like sharks too.  From Elvis Andrus to Josh Hamilton to Nelson Cruz to Ian Kinsler you need to be aggressive on the basepaths.  Be aggressive.  Be be aggressive!  Like my main man Teddy KGB always says, “Very aggressive.  A new day, and you won’t be pushed around.”  That’s right Texas, you do the pushing around.  You push that sonofabitch Jorge Posada all around the old ballfield.  See what thae Red Sox saw.  See that it is apparent Jorgie cannot throw out baserunners anymore.  Hip hip, Jorge!

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!