We live we die.  We laugh and we cry.  We know not why.  Bent on a life between the lines.  End on a sign of the times.  -Bryan Ferry

For some time now you’ve been hearing it.  For some time now, us Sox fans have been jeering it.  Paul Revering it.  One if by land, and two if by sea.  And I, on the opposite shore will be, ready to ride and spread the alarm.  I’m ready to spread the alarm.  I’m ready to tell you Mariano Rivera is on his last legs.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Just another douchebag Boston fan trying to stick it to the Yankees.  Maybe you’re right.  Afterall, it was William Shakespeare who said, “In time, we hate what we often fear.”  Thing is, as time wears on, Mariano is less fearful.  He’s 41 years old for gosh sakes.  41!  Everybody gets old, even the great ones.  When Shaquille O’Neal was asked his opinion about Michael Jordan’s comeback in Washington, Shaq Daddy simply replied, “39 ain’t 29, bro”.  No it ain’t. Read More »

Listen to the music, shuffle up your feet.  Listen to the music of the fatty beat.  Lip up fatty, ah lip up fatty, for the reggae.  Lip up fatty, ah lip up fatty, for the reggae.  -Bad Manners

Just a little quick one.  Just a little run and stick one.  Run and stick it to the Yankees.  Last night the Yankees were hoping beyond hope that Bartolo Colon would return return to being the pitcher he was before the hamstring blew out.  But you know what Nietzche says.  Nietzche says “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man.”  That torment looked a little something like this:  Colon lasted a paltry two-thirds of an inning while being charged with a ghastly eight runs in his start against the Blue Jays.  Yikes!  That’s bad.  That’s really bad.  How bad?  Glad you asked.  Colon is only the fourth pitcher in Yankees franchise history to allow eight or more first-inning runs in one game. The other Yankees to do that were Allan Russell (July 15, 1919 vs. Senators, 2nd game, eight runs), Andy Hawkins (Sept. 26, 1989 at Boston, eight runs) and Orlando Hernandez (June 18, 2000 vs. White Sox, nine runs).  Orlando Hernandez?  That begs the question:  Can Bartolo do the El Duque Dance? Not on that hammy he can’t!

Peace out Yankees. Six two and even!

I know we’ve come so far, but we’ve got so far to go.  I know the road seems long, but it won’t be long ’till it’s time to go.  So, most days we’ll take it fast, and some nights lets we’ll take it slow.  I know we’ve come so far, but baby, baby, we’ve got so far to go.  -Hairspray

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking it’s too early for this.  Like Sean Penn and Chaz Palmenteri, too Hurly Burly for this.  Don’t call me Shirley for this.  That’s what you’re thinking.  It’s not what I’m thinking.  I’m thinking what Yogi Berra is thinking.  I’m thinking, “It gets late awfully early around here.”  Heck, we’re already 36 games into the season.  That’s 2/9 of all games.  That’s 22%.  22% mental.  The other half physical.  Let’s get physical, physical.  I wanna get physical.  Let’s get physical and see what’s what.  Like Stan the Man Musial always says:  “I never realized that batting a little ball around could cause so much commotion.”  These cats are causing a commotion.  A loco-motion.  My little baby sister can do it with ease.  It’s easier than learning your a b c’s.  So come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me.  Come on with me and let’s take a peak at the All So Far Team, shall we?  Sure we shall!           Read More »

Little boy, in a baseball hat, stands in a field, with his ball and bat.  Says “I am the greatest, player of them all.”  Puts his bat on his shoulder, and tosses up his ball.  -Kenny Rogers

Ok, here we go!  Another opening day has come and gone.  Cool Papa Bell once said, “I remember one game I got five hits and stole five bases, but none of it was written down because they didn’t bring the scorebook to the game that day.”  Well, Cool Papa doesn’t have to worry about that today.  I brought my scorebook.  I’m writing it down.     Read More »

What does it take to be number one?  Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers.  What does it take to be number one?  Hey hey hey hey..  -Nelly

Opening day is just two weeks away.  Ahhhh, baseball.  The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball.  America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  I know it’s a little early.  I know what Bill Veeck said.  I know he said, “This is a game to be savored, not gulped.  There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”  I don’t care.  I want it all.  I want it now.  I want to know what the Big Fundamental wants to know.  “Good, better, best.  Never let it rest.  Until your good is better and your better is best.”  Who’s good?  Who’s the best?  Today we will discuss who’s the best.  We’ll discuss who’s the worst.  And we’ll discuss everything in between.  So, without further ado, let’s hand out the hardware:          Read More »

Yesterday was March 2^nd, and according to the crack research staff at JPQ, it marked the 49^th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlain scoring 100 individual points in an NBA game.  While Wilt was surely prolific both on and off the court, the 100 point game has become a thing of legend throughout the years.  Even though the league has seen some great players pass through the gym in the last 49 years, nobody has seriously challenged Wilt’s 100 point game – although Kobe did drop 81 against Toronto back in ’06.  In fact, with the size and speed of the players, and advent of the shot clock, one could argue that Wilt’s record may just be unbreakable.  That got us to thinking, what are some of the unbreakable individual records of all time in sports, and what are the odds that somebody can actually break through and re-write history.  Here now is an exlcusive JQP eyewitness news investigation: Read More »

One lonely Beastie I be.  All by myself, with nobody.  The sun is beating down on my baseball hat.  The air is gettin’ hot, the beer is getting flat.  -Besatie Boys

Public Service Announcement:  Ahhh the baseball cap.  At one time, the baseball cap was worn only by ballplayers for their functionality.  For instance, because all pro baseball games were played in the afternoons, the visors grew steadily longer in the early decades of the 20th century.  But today, the baseball cap has evolved to the point that they are no longer worn only by ball players.  Today they’re worn by celebrities, presidents, teens and truckers alike.  Today they are the staple hat of the American people.  Power to the people!  In light of this, let’s have a look at 10 best baseball caps of all time.  Shall we?  Sure we shall: Read More »

You gotta go go go go, goodbye!  Glad to see you go go go go, goodbye!  Goodbye!  -Ramones

Andy Pettitte, the man who has started and won more postseason games than any pitcher in baseball history, has decided to retire after 16 major league seasons.  You know what that means boys and girls?  Huh?  Do ya?  Sure you do.  It means, follow the bouncing ball, it means:  Happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again.  So let’s sing a song of cheer again, happy days are here again!  Yes they are sports fans, yes they are.  Without Pettitte, the Yankees rotation is like the 1948 Atlanta Braves rotation.  You remember the 1948 Braves rotation. It wen a little something like this: First we’ll use Spahn, then we’ll use Sain, then an off day followed by rain. Back will come Spahn followed by Sain, and followed we hope, by two days of rain.  Substitute Spahn with Sabathia.  Substitute Sain with Hughes.  Substitute me for him.  Substitute my coke for gin.  Substitute them there, and there you have it.  There you golden calf it.  There’s one weak staff it.       Read More »

Pull up at the function and you know I’m like Kojak to all the party people that are on my bozak.  I’ve got more action than my man John Woo, and I’ve got mad hits like I was Rod Carew.  -Beastie Boys

Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go!  Just a quick one.  A run and stick one.  Every day, my boy, the Half Bald Prince, sends me a text.  Every day.  Said text goes a little something like this:  Cano is a beast!  Every day.  He’s right.  If you’ve been watching Cano during the regular season, or had him on your fantasy team like I did, you’re seeing what folks who have only tuned in to these here ALCS games are seeing.  You’re seeing Robinson Cano in the midsts of a true breakout year.  A gorilla in the midst.               Read More »

You gotta run, run, run, run, run, take a drag or two.  Run, run, run, run, run, Gypsy Death and you.  Tell you whatcha do.  -Velvet Underground

Public Service Announcement:  It should be no shock that over here at JQP Productions, we are backing the Texas Rangers in this here ALCS.  Like my main man Bullet Bob Feller always says, “I would rather beat the Yankees regularly than pitch a no hit game.”  Well, if the Rangers want to beat the Yankees regularly in these playoffs, they better hit the ground running.  Run Forrest, Run!  Run like the wind.  Run like people are chasing them.  Run like the Red Sox ran on them in the last Yankees-Sox series at the Stadium.  You remember, don’t you?  Not only did the Red Sox have four ninth inning stolen bases off Jorge Posada in that series, but they also had two double steals off him in the season finale.  That’s right, two double steals that included Boston’s first steal of home since Jacoby Ellsbury did it against Posada and the Yankees last year.              Read More »