How gold?  Glad you asked.  Solid gold.  Solid Gold dancers gold.  Mmmmm, the Solid Gold Dancers.  Sorry.  Where was I?  Oh ya.  Freddy Lynn.  Gold.  Rookie of the Year gold.  MVP gold.  Gold Glove gold.  First player ever to win both MVP and ROY in the same season gold.  That’s how gold. This is how gold too:

• Freddy hit .331.
• Freddy hit twenty-one bombs.
• Freddy had 105 RBIs.
• He led the league in slugging percentage.
• He led the league in OPS.
• He led the league in doubles and runs scored.
• On one sunny afternoon in June, he smashed the Detroit Tigers.  Smashed the Detroit Tigers to the tune of three HRs, ten RBIs and sixteen total bases.  In one game!  Yowza!
• In the post season, he hit .306.
• In the post season,he had one ding and eight RBIs.

In Game Six against the Big Red Machine, Freddy slammed a crucial three-run jack in the first inning.  Freddy slammed a crucial three-run jack in the first inning that setup the critical Bernie Carbo jack that set up the famous Carlton Fisk jack that sits on a branch that sits on a log that sits in a hole in the bottom of the sea.  There’s a hole, there’s a hole, there’s a hole in the bottom of the sea.  Stewie Griffen style.

Now that’s what a rookie season looks like.  Now that’s why the should rename the award.  Write your congressman.  Write Bud Selig.  Tell ‘em Josh Q. Public sent ya.  Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Catcher – JP Arencibia

Make no mistakes, JP Arencibia is never going to hit for a high batting average.  Never.  Not in a box.  Not with a fox.  Not in a house.  Not with a mouse.  He will not do it here or there.  He will not do it anywhere.  What he will do is go yard.  JP is a streak hitter and when he streaking, he just tears the cover off the ball.  Earlier in the week he tore the cover off the ball to the tune of five bombs in six games.  Five bombs in six games all from the nine hole.  Just so you know, he’s the first major-league player to hit five bombs over six games from the last spot in the lineup since Dale Sveum did so for the 1987 Brewers.  I know.  Dale Sveum.  But still.  But still, Arencibia hit another one last night.  But still, Arencibia now has 18 for the season.  He’s an aggressive hitter who can knock the ball out to all fields in any ballpark.  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  JP Arencibia, bitch!  Honorable Mention:  Wilson Ramos

First Base – Freddie Freeman

This was a tough one.  This was a rough one.  An HR Puffnstuf one.  HR Pufnstuf, who’s your friend when things get rough?  HR Pufnstuf, can’t do a little cause he can’t do enough.  Eric Hosmer and Mark Trumbo can’t do enough either but I gotta go with Freddie Freeman here.  Freeman was just named the NL Rookie of the Month.  Freeman just came off a July in which he led all other major league rookies in batting average, hits, and on-base percentage.  Freeeman is in the middle of an 18-game hitting streak, and he hit in 23 out of 27 games in July.  Freeman here’s got a job. Freeman’s got prospects.  He’s bona fide.  What are you?  I’ll tell you what else Freddie Freeman is.  Freddie Freeman is well on his way to NL Rookie of the Year.  Danny Espinosa who?

Second Base – Danny Espinosa

Speak of the devil.  Heading into the All-Star break, Danny Espinosa was the front-runner for NL Rookie of the Year.  Like my main Pony Boy always says, “That was then.  This is now.”  It might have been Pony Boy.  Now that think of it, it prolly wasn’t Pony Boy.  Whoever it was, it fits.  Now, since the All-Star break, Espinosa is in the midst of a 11-72 skid.  This is a situation he’ll have to rectify if he wants to keep pace with Freeman.  He’ll have to do what he was doing before.  He’ll have to produces runs again.  He’ll have to hit bombs again.  I think he can.  Even if he doesn’t, he still plays superb defense.  Even if he doesn’t, he still is the only rookie who can say he hasn’t missed one game. Even if he doesn’t, he still makes this team.  Honorable Mention:  Jemile Weeks

Third Base – Justin Turner

The competition here is thin.  Very thin.  Thinner than that and even thinner still.  Cardinals third baseman Daniel Descalso is so bad that Tony La Russa had to play Albert Pujols at third base.  Chicago White Sox third baseman Brent Morel is hitting .250 and has drawn just three walks in 240 at-bats.  While Lonnie Chisenhall is undoubtedly going to be a star in the future, he’s far from that now.  Same for Mike Moustakas.  That leaves us with Justin Turner.  Wait.  I thought Justin Turner played second base.  No.  What is on second base.  Huh?  Let me explain.  Turner got the call from Triple-A Buffalo and provided instant value by hitting for average and playing solid defense at second.  So you were right, right?  Yes and no.  Turner then shifted to third base when David Wright went down in mid-May and has continued to serve as a traditional two-hole hitter with the ability to make contact and handle the bat.  Got it?  Good.  Turner doesn’t have the upside of some of the aforementioned players.  He appears to be a below average offensive second baseman with average defense and baserunning.  That doesn’t sound like ringing endorsement.  In fact in sounds a lot like my main man Stan Podalak:  “Well, I may not be very tall, but… I’m slow.”  Maybe so, but he’s all we got.

Shortstop – Elliot Johnson

Just like Jimmy Morris, it’s never too late to believe in your dreams.  It’s not too late for Elliot Johnson.  The 27 year-old Rays rookie toiled nine years in the minors and did not play more than 20 games at short until last season.  Look at him now.  This season the switch-hitting Johnson has served in a rough platoon with Reid Brignac earlier in the season and now with Sean Rodriguez.  He has served admirably.  Admirably Fletcher.  Admirably Nimitz.  Admirably Farragut.  Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead!  Elliot Johnson has gone full speed ahead.  Full speed ahead while providing value on defense and on the bases.  Sure he’s a utility guy.  César Tovar was a utility guy.  Tony Phillips was a utility guy.  Cookie Rojas and Bert Campaneris were utility guys.  How do you like them guys?  Honorable Mention:  Chase d’Arnaud

Outfield – Desmond Jennings

We caught  a glimpse of this guy last year.  Caught a glimpse of this guy in the thick of the pennant race.  Caught a glimpse of this guy in the ALDS.  In the thick of the pennant race and in the ALDS, this guy hit in eight different lineup slots, pinch-hit, pinch-ran and generally got his feet wet.  His feet are soaking now.  I know he only has 45 at-bats.  I don’t care.  Through 11 games since his call-up last month he’s batting .340.  Through 11 games since his call-up last month he has six walks and five stolen bases.  He’s gotten on base 23 times in nine games for a .436 on-base percentage and eight of his 16 hits have gone for extra bases, which is good for a .681 slugging percentage.    I have seen the future of the MLB and its name is Desmond Jennings.  Honorable Mention:  Josh Reddick

Starting Pitcher – Dillon Gee

What?  You thought I was going to say Michael Pineda?  You thought you said I’m alright Spider.  You thought wrong.  Dillon Gee got off to 7-0 in his first nine starts for the Mets this season.  That 7-0 start established a team record for rookies and made him a mainstay in a starting rotation.  he hasn’t slowed down since.   Gee, has almost single-handedly kept the Mets on the brink of playoff contention by going a team-best 10-3 with a 3.69 ERA in 20 outings.  Despite lacking the fire-balling prowess of the aforementioned Pineda, Gee has a penchant for winning.  My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.  But that’s him.  This is about Dillon Gee.  This is about the best rookie starting pitcher in baseball.  Honorable Mention:  Michael Pineda

Closer – Craig Kimbrel

No Gomer Pyle here.  No surprise, surprise, surprise here.  Craig Kimbrel is the leader of the Braves bullpen.  He is  a 23-year-old flamethrower who has saved 32 games and struck out 86 batters in 54 innings.  How about that?  How about this:  Kimbrel’s 14.3 strikeouts per nine innings pitched is the eighth highest ever by a reliever with 50 or more innings pitched.  Yowza!  Honorable Mention:  Jordan Walden

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did, looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.  I’m still standing after all this time.  Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.  -Elton John

Guess whos back, back again.  Izzy’s back, tell a friend.  That’s right sports fans, Jason Isringhausen is back.  Back with a vengeance.  Like my main Jack Kennedy always says, “We are tied to the ocean.  And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch – we are going back from whence we came.”  Jason Isringhausen is back from whence he came.  Back on the hill.  Back on the hill when the game is on the line.  Last night Jason Isringhausen was back on the hill when the game was on the line and recorded the 294th save of his major-league career.  Hooray Jason Isringhausen!  For those of you keeping score at home, that was Izzy’s first save since August 1, 2008.   For those of you keeping score at home, that’s a span of two years and 352 days.  For those of you keeping score at home, that’s the longest span between saves for a player who already had at least 250 saves to his credit.  The previous most: two years, 273 days, by Troy Percival (2005-08).  Pretty neat huh?    

Who says you can never go home again?  Oh?  Thomas Wolfe said it?  Big deal.  What does he know?  Clearly, Thomas Wolfe doesn’t know about Jason Isringhausen.  In the mid-1990s, Isringhausen, along with the imitable pitchers Bill Pulsipher and Paul Wilson, were widely hyped as the next generation of New York Mets’ superstars.  You might remember them.  You might remember them as Generation K.  You might also remember that all three of the players who comprised Generation K succumbed to pitching-related injuries within a year.  But still.  But still it was during that time that Isringhausen recorded his first career save.  How about that? How about this:  Last night the big right-hander needed only 11 pitches to retire Matt Holliday, Lance Berkman and David Freese.  Wooo doggie!  He’s still got it.  Still got enough to get his 294th of his career.  This doesn’t mean Isringhausen will close the final 10 weeks of the season, but it does mean that the 300 club is right in reach.

Peace out homies. Six two and even!

Just a little quick one.  Just a little run and stick one.  Run and stick it to the Yankees.  Last night the Yankees were hoping beyond hope that Bartolo Colon would return return to being the pitcher he was before the hamstring blew out.  But you know what Nietzche says.  Nietzche says “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man.”  That torment looked a little something like this:  Colon lasted a paltry two-thirds of an inning while being charged with a ghastly eight runs in his start against the Blue Jays.  Yikes!  That’s bad.  That’s really bad.  How bad?  Glad you asked.  Colon is only the fourth pitcher in Yankees franchise history to allow eight or more first-inning runs in one game. The other Yankees to do that were Allan Russell (July 15, 1919 vs. Senators, 2nd game, eight runs), Andy Hawkins (Sept. 26, 1989 at Boston, eight runs) and Orlando Hernandez (June 18, 2000 vs. White Sox, nine runs).  Orlando Hernandez?  That begs the question:  Can Bartolo do the El Duque Dance? Not on that hammy he can’t!

Peace out Yankees. Six two and even!

Where Dungeons and Dragons meets baseball.  Freakin’ nerds!

Guess who’s back.  Back again.  Beltran’s back.  Tell a friend.  That’s right folks, tell a friend Carlos Beltran is back.  Tell a friend Carlos Beltran is back with a vengeance.  Vengeance is mine, I will repay, sayeth the Voltron.  And repay Carlos Beltran surely did last night.  He repaid with three big bombs.  He repaid with his first three bomb game of his career leading the Metropolitans to a 9-5 victory at Coors Field.  How about that?  How about this:  All three of Beltran’s ding-dongs were two-run shots.  He’s only the second player in Mets history to hit three home runs with runners on base in one game.  He joins Dave Kingman, who did that at Dodger Stadium on June 4, 1976, with a pair of two-run homers and a three-run blast.  Wooooo doggie!          

Where are the naysayers now?  Where are all the not today sayers now.  Where are all the his career is in decay sayers now?  During spring training and much of the previous two years, Carlos Beltran has been battling his balky knees.  The 33-year-old Beltran has had three knee operations.  Count ‘em.  Three.  Three may be the magic number for De La Soul, but not so for Carlos Beltran.  For Carlos Beltran its caused him to miss many a baseball game.  Last season, he sat out until after the All-Star break and even then he had to cut his season short by a few days because of soreness again in his right knee.  The word on Beltran was that he had gone from a slick-fielding Gold Glove centerfielder to a guy who may never resume his role as an everyday player.  How you like him now?

Now, it seems Mr. Beltran has steeped into Mr. Peabody’s wayback machine.  Now, Carlos Beltran is tearing the cover of the ball.  Now, he’s playing some of the best right field in the MLB today.  Beltran:  “I feel like a little kid, honestly.”  He may feel like a little kid, but he’s playing like a full grown man.  He leads the Mets in OPS.  He leads the Mets in doubles, home runs and slugging percentage.  Before you know it, he just may lead these hard luck Mets right into the Wild Card. Carlos Beltran is back, bitch!

Peace out homies. Six two and even!

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking it’s too early for this.  Like Sean Penn and Chaz Palmenteri, too Hurly Burly for this.  Don’t call me Shirley for this.  That’s what you’re thinking.  It’s not what I’m thinking.  I’m thinking what Yogi Berra is thinking.  I’m thinking, “It gets late awfully early around here.”  Heck, we’re already 36 games into the season.  That’s 2/9 of all games.  That’s 22%.  22% mental.  The other half physical.  Let’s get physical, physical.  I wanna get physical.  Let’s get physical and see what’s what.  Like Stan the Man Musial always says:  “I never realized that batting a little ball around could cause so much commotion.”  These cats are causing a commotion.  A loco-motion.  My little baby sister can do it with ease.  It’s easier than learning your a b c’s.  So come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me.  Come on with me and let’s take a peak at the All So Far Team, shall we?  Sure we shall!          

Catcher:  Alex Avila

The other day, Justin Verlander became just the 29th pitcher in major-league history to throw multiple no-hitters in regular-season play.  Hooray Justin Verlander!  But on that same day, something else happened too.  On that same day, Alex Avila belted a two-run bomb in the fourth inning.  For those of you keeping score at home, that marked his sixth bomb of the season.  Avila now has 23 RBIs and a .282 average to go along with his six homers.  How about that?  After a slow start to the season, folks were questioning Avila’s mechanics.  They wondered if he’d ever become a capable major league hitter.  Well, no one’s questi0ning nothin’ no more.  Since that tough opening series in New York, this kid has become a regular hit machine.  Get upah, get on up.  Get upah, get on up.  Stay on the scene, like a hit machine.  Staying on the scene with the sweetest swing from a Tiger lefty since Mickey Cochrane.

First Base:  Paul Konerko

Paul Konerko is the Rodney Dangerfield of first basemen.  No respect.  No respect at all.  What a childhood he had, why, when he took his first step, his old man tripped him!  When he played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering him up.  No respect I tell ya.  But that changes.  That changes here.  That changes now.  Konerko has been named to four AL All-Star teams.  He’s won the ALCS MVP.  He will forever be beloved by south-siders for his clutcher than clutch grand slam in Game 2 of the 2005.  Thing is, after 14 seasons in the bigs, he’s still getting it done.  So far this season, he has more home runs than Ryan Howard.  So far this season, he has more RBIs than Joey Votto.  He has a higher batting average than Miguel Cabrera and a higher OBP than Albert Pujols.  So far this season, Paul Konerko is the best first baseman in baseball.

Second Base:  Robinson Cano

I hate do this one.  I guess it shows my maturity.  I guess it proves I can be unbiased.  Hooray me!  There was a time where in this space I would proudly feature Dustin Pedroia.  Like the Who, anyhow, anyway I would put my favorite baseball player in this spot.  Anyway, anyhow, anywhere I choose.  But alas, today I cannot.  Today I must give respect where respect is due.  Today, respect is due to Robinson Cano.  Every day, my boy, the Half Bald Prince, sends me a text.  Every day.  Said text goes a little something like this:  Cano is a beast!  Every day.  He’s right. Robby Cano, doncha know!  Believe it or not, last week marked the sixth anniversary of Cano’s major league debut.  Why it seems like only yesterday Cano was being compared to a young Rod Carew.  Today, he is living up to those expectations.  Cano ranks among the American League leaders in almost every major offensive category, and he’s doing it against lefties and righties, fastballs, curves and everything in between.  He’s like Paulie Cicero:  Business bad?  Fuck you, pay me.  Oh, you had a fire?  Fuck you, pay me.  Place got hit by lightning, huh?  Fuck you, pay me.  It’s time for me to pay the piper.  It’s time for me to pay Robinson Cano.

Third Base:  Adrian Beltre

Just so you know, the first post I ever wrote was on Adrian Beltre.  It was short.  It wasn’t so sweet.  It went a little something like this:  “Ok,  here we go!  1st blog ever.  I hope it doesn’t suck.  This is just a test to see if I know what I’m doing.  If I did this right, you will see a picture of Adrian Beltre, who definitely does suck.  I should know.  I drafted him way too high on my fantasy team.”  Now to be fair, that was the year after his monster with the Dodgers.  You know, his infamous $64 million contract year?  And to be honest, I thought this this year would be somewhat similar.  I thought wrong.  Last year, Beltre, in a contract year, put up spectacular numbers for my beloved Red Sox.  Then, during the offseason, the Texas Rangers took most of the money Cliff Lee turned down and gave it to Adrian Beltre.  They have not regretted it.

Shortstop:  Jose Reyes

What?  You thought this was going to be all American Leaguers?  You thought I said are you were alright Spider?  Think again.  Can we say it now?  Huh, can we?  Can we say Jose Reyes is now the best shortstop in New York City.  I got a hundred guns, a hundred clips, I’m from New York, New York.  I got a semi-automatic that spits next time if you talk, you talk.  Jose Reyes is from New York, New York.  Jose Reyes got a hundred clips in his semi-automatic.  Firing at will.  Firing when ready grizzly.  He fired on Friday night alright.  On Friday night, Jose Reyes made Mets fans remember how exciting baseball can be when he is around.  On Friday night, Jose Reyes tripled twice and added a double and a steal just for good measure.  And know this sports fans, Reyes has been doing this kind of thing all season long.  He could very well drive in one-hundred runs.  He could very well score 130 runs and steal seventy bases.  He could very well win a Gold Glove.  He could very well be the best player in beisbol.

Left Field:  Ryan Braun

You gotta have one Jewish guy in here, dontcha?  Sure you do.  Well, here he is.  Here’s the Hebrew Hammer.  Ex-Milwaukee Brewers manager Dave Bristol once said: “There’ll be two buses leaving the hotel for the park tomorrow.  The two o’clock bus will be for those of you who need a little extra work. The empty bus will leave at five o’clock.”   These days, that five o’clock bus should have at least one  more passenger.  These days, that five o’clock bus should have at least Ryan Braun.  Braun has just been named the National League Player of the Month for April.  Through the first month of the 2011 season (including one game played on March 31st), Braun batted .367 (36-for-98) and was tied for the National League lead in both home runs (10) and runs scored (24).  His 36 hits and .724 slugging percentage ranked second in the N.L. while his 23 RBI were good for third. He also added a .457 on-base percentage with three doubles, a triple and three stolen bases.  Yowza!

Center Field:  Matt Kemp

Ahhh, center field.  Once, the most glamorous position in all of baseball.  Once.  You shouldn’t grab me, Johnny.  My mother grabbed me once…Once! There was Ty Cobb.  A man so good that Joe DiMaggio once said, “Every time I hear of this guy again, I wonder how he was possible.” There was Joltin’ Joe hisself.  The Yankee Clipper covered so much ground in center field that the only way to get a hit against the Bombers was to hit ‘em where Joe wasn’t.  There was Willie Mays.  Say hey!  The best centerfielder who has ever been borned.  Where triples went to die.  There was the Mick and the Duke.  Jimmy Wynn and Freddy Lynn.  Cool Papa Bell, so fast he could turn off the light and be in bed before the room got dark.  More recently, we’ve had Kirby, Junior and Ichiro.  It used to mean something to be the best center fielder in baseball.  Like it used to mean something to be the Heavyweight Champion of the World.  Like it used to mean something to be the Fastest Man Alive.  I still think it means something, dammit.  I’m Gumby dammit.

Last year, Matt Kemp had a very forgettable season.  Last year, it seemed he could do nothing right.  This year ain’t last year.  This year it looks like he’s found all five of his tools in his old toolbox.  He is hitting over .336 and is among the NL leaders in home runs, RBI, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, extra-base hits and stolen bases.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, haven’t wee seen this before?  You’re thinking, didn’t he get off this kind of start last year too?  You’re thinking is correct.  However, this is the All So Far Team.  So far, in center field, no one has been better than Matt Kemp.

Right Field:  Lance Berkman

This was a tough one.  A rough one.  No Marshmallow Fluff one.  It was between Jose Bautista and Lance Berkman.  Sorry Jose, but I had to go with the Puma.  April doesn’t fool the Puma, the Puma fools April.  The Puma once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.  When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for the Puma.  The Puma:  “I know the fickle nature of hitting. You can be as hot as a pistol one day, and the next thing you know you can’t figure out where to put your feet.”  This day, Berkman is hot as a pistol.  This day, Berkman knows where to put his feet.  So far, Lance already has two National League Player of the Week awards added to his trophy case.  So far, Lance knocking the ball all around while becoming one of baseball’s greatest comeback stories.  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  Lance Berkman, bitch!

Starting Pitcher:  Jered Weaver

Don’t belive me?  Would you believe the baseball man that’s ever benn borned?  Huh?  Would ya?  Would you believe Peter Gammons?

Weaver is sometimes lost in the storm front known as East Coast Bias, more than half his games starting after 10 p.m. ET.  He is in the shadow of King Felix Hernandez and CC Sabathia…Don’t let the hair and the surfer look fool you.  Weaver led the American League in strikeouts last season, and for 2010-11, he leads the AL in innings pitched, quality starts and strikeouts.  He and Justin Verlander are tied for the league lead in strikeouts this season.  Does a 288-67 strikeout-to-walk ratio work for you?

It works pretty good for me, Peter.

Closer:  Mariano Rivera

Well clearly I have lost my godammed mind.  Two Yankess and nary one gaddong Red Sox.  Buster Olney says, ”No other player can instill calm in his team’s fans as reliably as Mariano Rivera, the game’s dominant closer and arguably the best relief pitcher of all time .” Joe Torre says, “He’s the best I’ve ever been around.  Not only the ability to pitch and perform under pressure, but the calm he puts over the clubhouse.”  Trevor Hoffman, the only closer with more saves than Rivera, says, “He will go down as the best reliever in the game in history.” Even my boy, Dennis Eckersley, says, “He is the best ever, no doubt.”  Who am I to argue with those guys.  I can’t.  Not with what this guy is done doing.  This guy leads all closers in saves.  He leads all closers in saves while sporting a 1.62 ERA and a .84 WHIP.  My goodness!  My greatness.

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Opening day is just two weeks away.  Ahhhh, baseball.  The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball.  America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  I know it’s a little early.  I know what Bill Veeck said.  I know he said, “This is a game to be savored, not gulped.  There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”  I don’t care.  I want it all.  I want it now.  I want to know what the Big Fundamental wants to know.  “Good, better, best.  Never let it rest.  Until your good is better and your better is best.”  Who’s good?  Who’s the best?  Today we will discuss who’s the best.  We’ll discuss who’s the worst.  And we’ll discuss everything in between.  So, without further ado, let’s hand out the hardware:         

Willie Mays Award – Best Player on the Planet

No news here.  No gnews is good gnews.  Good gnews for the St. Louis Cardinals.  This award goes to Albert Pujols.  Tony LaRussa calls him the perfect player.  Sports Illustrated calls him the perfect player.  Who am I to argue?  The standards for greatness are simple.  1)  You must be an outstanding hitter.  Braves third baseman Chipper Jones, a future Hall of Famer, calls Albert Pujols “the greatest right-handed hitter I’ve ever seen.”  Gary Sheffield, a member of the 500 home run club, calls Pujols “the best hitter I’ve ever seen because he has done it since day one.”  He sure has Gary, he sure has.  Pujols’ worst year? 2007 when he hit .317 with 32 homeruns and 103 RBI.  Yikes!  2)  You must be at least a competent base runner.  There is a difference between a great base stealer and a great baserunner.  Rickey Henderson was a great base stealer; Albert Pujols is a great baserunner.  He has eyes in the back of his head on the bases.  He always knows where he is, where the ball is and where the defender is.  He never makes the third out at third base.  That’s a great baserunner.  3)  You must be a good defensive player.  Albert is so great offensively, he doesn’t get enough credit for his defense.  But God help the runner who is on second with no one out that jogs his way to third on a ground ball to the right side because Albert, with that arm, will  gun him down at third.  See., this guy just hasn’t got any weaknesses.  Not a one.  He is, by far, the best baseball player on the planet.

Teddy Ballgame Award – Best Hitter

This one may surprise you.  Pies in the skies you.  Hello, anybody home?  McFlys you.  I don’t care.  All I know is, Miguel Cabrera, as the kids say these days, rakes. Oh yes, he drinks too, but he rakes.  Good times.  Miggy rakes.  Bad times.  Miggy rakes.  Business bad?  Fuck you, pay me.  Oh, you had a fire?  Fuck you, pay me.  Place got hit by lightning huh?  Fuck you, pay me.  That’s Miguel Cabrera.  He rakes the ball to he ball to left.  He rakes the ball to he ball to right.  He rakes the ball to center.  He rakes the ball all over the gosh darned field.  That ability to hit the ball to all fields, hit with power and average, is why Cabrera is considered by his peers one of the best hitters in baseball.  He was voted by managers the best hitter in the American League in a Baseball America poll.  I vote for him too.  Rock the vote!  Vote Miguel Cabrera.

Sandy Koufax Award – Best Pitcher

This one’s not even close.  This one goes to none other than Roy Halladay.  Roy Halladay is the hardest working man in the big show business.  There’s no business like big show business, like no business I know.  Roy Halladay is a throw back.  A go back.  An Adrianne Barbeau back.  Like my main man Leo Mazzone always says, ”We pay attention to pitch counts, but there are a bunch of priorities ahead of pitch counts…What if a guy’s out there, he’s got a hundred pitches and he isn’t tired?”   Ya what about that?  What about Roy Halladay?  Randy Johnson had his left-handed slingball.  Pedro Martínez had that changeup and flair.  Greg Maddux had the ultimate control. Halladay is just really good at everything.  It is the difference between being great and remarkable.  Roy Halladay is indeed remarkable.

Freddy Lynn Award – Best Offensive Rookie 

I’m not talking about Domonic Brown.  I’m not talking about Freddie Freeman.  I’m not talking about Mike Moustakas  or Dustin Ackley.  I’m not talking about treasure boating or game sailing.  I’m talking about sharking.  That’s right, I’m talking about Peter Bourjos.  They don’t call him Gorgeous Bourjos for nothing.  When you take over centerfield duties from a Torii Hunter, you’re doing something.  You’re doing something special.  This kid is special.  I wish I was special.  You’re so fucking special.  So special that if he had played the entire season, he easily could have had the greatest single-season Wins Above Replacement performance by a centerfielder in MLB history with a 5.1 clip.  Yowza!  So far this spring, Bourjos is hitting .333 with a .424 on-base percentage with five hits over his past 10 at bats.  If he keeps that up, he just may turn into the best centerfielder in baseball today.  It used to mean something to be the best centerfielder in baseball.  Like it used to mean something to be the Heavyweight Champion of the World.  Like it used to mean something to be the Fastest Man Alive.   I still think it means something and so should you.

Mark Fidrych Award – Best Rookie Pitcher

This guy would have been a clear number one in most organizations but this guy plays for the Tampa Bay Rays.  Jeremy Hellickson, the Rays’ second best pitching prospect, has been overshadowed by David Price for some time now.  That ends here.  He ain’t gonna be overshadowed no more!  Nobody puts Baby in the corner!  Hellickson is a power pitcher.  He’s a tower of a power pitcher.  The man of the hour.  Tower of power.  I’ll devour.  I’m gonna tie you up and let you understand that I’m not your average man when I got a baseball in my hand.  Daaammmnnn!!!!!  Chicks may dig the longball, but we here at JQP Productions dig us some strikeout pitchers.  We dug us some Nolan Ryan.  We dug us some Randy Johnson.  We dug us some Pedro Martinez.  We dig Jeremy Hellickson.

Brooks Robinson Award – Best Defensive Player

Kevin Youkilis won the Gold Glove award for first basemen in 2007.  In 2008, he was robbed.  Robbed, I tells ya.  Carlos Pena?  Really?  It’s a travesty.  It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.  When Youk plays first, he is the best first baseman in baseball.  When Youk plays third, he is the best third baseman in baseball.  When Youk is in the outfield, he is the best outfielder in baseball.   Terry Francona thinks so too:  “He just looks at the lineup card…he doesn’t care.  He’ll play third, he’ll play first, he’s gone to the outfield a couple of times.  He just does it.  And he helps us win.”  And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?  Winning?  You bet your bippy it is.

Hank Greenberg Award – Best Jewish Ballplayer

They don’t call him the Hebrew Hammer for nothin’.  This award goes to Ryan Braun.  I really wanted to give this Youkilis, but he already got an award.  In all honesty I really wanted to give this award to Youkilis because I really wanted to post this video:

Jim Abbot Award – Best Story Player

I’ve always liked Dontrelle Willis.  When he was mowing ‘em down for the Florida Marlins all crooked hatted and high kicking, there was nothing like it.  Nothing like it at all.  His smile was infectious.  His style impetuous.  He was just ferocious. He wanted your heart.  He wanted to eat your children.  Praise be to Allah!  Now, after a myriad of problems, he’s trying to hang on in Cincinnati as a reliever.  I, for one, hope he makes it.

Lou Brock Award – Stolen Bases 

Joe Morgan once said:  “A good base stealer should make the whole infield jumpy.”   So that’s what we want to know.  Who in 2011 makes the whole infield jumpy?  Carl Crawford, that’s who!  There’s only one thing you gotta know about Carl Crawford, he’s an ath-uh-lete.  Recruited by UCLA to play point guard.  Recruited by Nebraska to play quarterback.  Carl Crawford chose baseball and aren’t we all glad he did?  He’s a sight to behold.  Against my beloved Red Sox, he was a record tying sight to behold.  As he slid into second at the Trop, he slid into a tie for the modern major league record with six stolen bases in one game.  How about that?  How about this?   Crawford is the first player with at least forty hits and twenty or more stolen bases in a single calendar month since, yup, you guessed it, Rickey Henderson.  When you get your name up there with Rickey, you’re doing some things.  Some historic stolen base things.

Impossible Dream Award – Cinderella Team:  Cinderella story.  Outta nowhere.  It looks like a miracle.  It’s in the hole!  It’s in the hole!  It’s in the hole!   The Florida Marlins.

Cecil Fielder Award – Fattest Player: Bartolo Colon.  Ever wonder whatever happened to Eddy Curry?  I think Bartolo ate him.

Andres Galarraga Award – Comeback Player:   Manny Ramirez

Jeff Bagwell Award – Biggest Trade Deadline Move:  Carlos Beltran

Ron Blomberg Award – Designated Hitter: Adam Lind

Sparky Anderson Award – Top Manager:  Buck Showalter

Clearasil Award – Breakout Performance:  Hisanori Takahashi

Stan Musial Award – Lifetime Achievement:  Mariano Rivera

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Some folks may think the above video crosses the line. Some folks may think the above video is in bad taste. Those folks are probably right, but it sure is funny. Just so you know, I’m digging the Onion’s Sports Dome. Just so you know, I haven’t laughed this hard at sports anchors since Chet Harper said, “Tonight at the Alamodome, he gets Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown as the Spurs beat the Heat, 86-79! So tune in, tell ‘em the Public sent ya. You won’t be disappointed.

Peace out homies. Six two and even!

What you waiting on?  I present to you a perfect situation.  Ain’t no need anticipating, no.  Take that.  Take that.  -Usher

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, listen, I have no love for the Mets.  To me, the New York Metropolitans are just another baseball team.  At this point, just another bad baseball team.  But Jeff Francoeur has some nerve.  In case you haven’t heard, Jeff Francoeur took some shots at his old team and they went a little something like this:  “I always wanted to know what it was like to play meaningful baseball in New York and I’m going to have the opportunity.”  Ouch!  That’s not nice.           

If I were a Mets a fan, I would say what Travis Bickle said.  I would say, ”Your full of shit, man.  What are you talking about?  You walk out with those fuckin’ creeps and low-lifes and degenerates out on the streets and you sell your little pussy for peanuts?  For some low-life pimp who stands in the hall?  And I’m square?  What world are you from?”

What world indeed.  When Frenchy was traded, he was hitting a meager .237.  When Frenchy was traded, he had smacked a paltry 11 dings.  When Frenchy was traded, he knocked in a lousy 54 runs,  Knock knock?  Who’s there?  Your walking papers bitch!

Francoeur also said, “Between Omar, Jerry and Jeff, they gave me the opportunity to come over here and play and I can’t thank them enough.”  However, that’s not what he was saying before the trade to the Rangers.  Before the trade to the Rangers, he was whining like a little girl.  Stomping his little feet.  Apparently his widdle feewings were hurt because he had to platoon with Fernando Martinez.  They weren’t hurt when he signed his $5 million contract. 

Jeff Francoeur can take all the shots at the Mets he wants but he should know this:  He wasn’t all that good.  His talent and production on the field didn’t match his ego.  Whether in Texas or wherever else he lands, he will never get the playing time he yearns for.  His play simply does not warrant it.

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies. Six two and Even!

Oh baby, I’m a star!  Might not know it now baby, but I are, I’m a star!  I don’t want to stop ’till I reach the top.  Sing it!  -Prince

Public Service Announcement:  Everybodys’s jibbering about Ubaldo Jimminez.  Everybody’s jabbering about Stephen Strasburg.  Jibbering and jabbering.  Blibbering and blabbering.  What about this guy?  What about Bob Adam Wainwright?  Last night, Adam Wainwright hurled seven shutout innings to lead the Cardinals to a 6-1 victory over the Reds.  That may not seem like such a big deal to you, but know this:  Wainwright has now registered 17 wins this season.  Wainwright has now registered a 1.99 ERA this season.  All through 25 starts.  Pretty good, right?  Damn skippy it’s good.  Since 1970, only five other pitchers posted at least 17 wins and an ERA below 2.00 through 25 starts in a season.  Only Vida Blue 1971 (19 wins; 1.37 ERA), Gaylord Perry 1972 (17 wins; 1.70 ERA), Ron Guidry1978  (17 wins; 1.79 ERA), Dwight Gooden 1985 (18 wins; 1.64 ERA) and Roger Clemens in 1997 (18 wins; 1.66 ERA).         

Like my main Jake LaMotta always says, “Joey, that meant something.  You mention Tommy, you mention Salvy, you mentioned you.  You included you with them.  You could have said anybody, but you said you and them.”  I did say you and them.  It does means something.  When you do something that five of the greatest pitchers who ever played this great game of ours done did, it most certainly means something.  Something special.

Vida Blue  1971

You can Murderers Row me.  You can can Big Red Machine me.  But for my money, the greatest baseball team ever assembled were the the Swingin’ A’s of the 1970′s.  The best pitcher on that team was one Mr. Vida Blue. 

Quick trivia question.  Who was the last switch hitter in th AL to win an MVP?  That’s right.  Vida Blue. 

Blue was a power pitcher.  A tower of power pitcher.  A big strapping lefty who pounded the strike zone.  He pounded the strike in 1971.  Pounded the strike for a Cy Young and MVP in 1971.  In 1971, at his youthful best, Vida Blue was the most scintillating athlete in the world.  Mesmerizing, tantalizing, captivating, he was devastating.  Blue finished the season 24-8, with a 1.82 ERA, eight shutouts and 24 complete games. He was the youngest MVP winner in the 20th century.  You’re my boy, Blue!

Gaylord Perry  1972

You may know Gaylord Perry as King of the Spitball.  All hail the King!  You may know him for this story:  In 1963, manager Alvin Dark joked, “They’ll put a man on the moon before he hits a home run.”  Then, on July 20, 1969, just an hour after the Apollo 11 spacecraft carrying Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, Perry hit the first home run of his career.  That’s the stuff legends are made. 

So is this.  Before the 1972 season, the San Francisco Giants traded the then 32-year-old Perry to the Cleveland Indians.  All Perry did was go on a 24–16 season.  All Perry did was record a 1.92 ERA in 1972.  All Perry did was  win his first Cy Young award in 1972.  The only  Cy Young winner for Cleveland until CC Sabathia.  That’s all Gaylord Perry done did.

Ron Guidry  1978

Unfortunately for me, a then long suffering Red Sox fan, I watched this season up close.  Up close and personal.  A little too personal, for you knwo, I know, and Bucky Bleepin’ Dent knows, it was Ron Guidry toeing the rubber that fateful day back in 1978.

Ron Guidry’s 1978 season was one for the ages.  One for the sages.  All the rages.  Not many were more impressive before it and none have been more impressive since. 

He won thirteen straight games before finally losing his first game in July.  July!  For his eleventh win, he struck out 11 California Angels.  By season’s end, Ron Guidry’s record was an astounding 25-3. His .893 winning percentage remains the highest ever turned in by a twenty game winner.  His ERA was a miniscule 1.74, a figure not posted by a southpaw since the glory days of Sandy Koufax.  Perhaps most impressive is that during the 1978 season Guidry’s opponents managed only an anemic .193 batting average.  They didn’t call him Louisiana Lightining for nothin’.

Dwight Gooden  1985

Before the drugs, before the DUIs, before the assaults, before the guns to his head, before all that stuff there, Dwight Gooden was the best pitcher in baseball.  1985 was the best season of his career. 

In 1985, Doc led the Majors with 24 wins.  In 1985, Doc led the majors with 268 strikeouts.  He led the majors with a 1.53 ERA.  You know what that spells boys and girls?  That’s right.  That spells  pitching’s Triple Crown.  Even in the eleven games when Gooden didn’t earn a win, he was still dominant. 

Ponder this, Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?   I think so, Brain, but this time, you put the trousers on the chimp.  Ponder this:  In his four losses that season, Gooden allowed a meager 26 hits and a paltry 5 walks in 28 innings, with 28 strikeouts and a 2.89 ERA.  Yowza!  If this kid stayed clean, we’d be talking about him like we talk about Bob Gibson or Sandy Koufax.  Oh, what could have been.

Roger Clemens  1997

Know this:  I hate Roger Clemens.  But know this too.  I hate him because I used to love him.  I used to love her, but I had to kill her.  Loved him more than all the rest.  Loved him more than Loni Anderson’s chest.  Loved him because he was the best.  He was the nastiest pitcher I ever saw.  He was the Boston Red Sox. 

When Roger left Boston, he was fat.  When Roger left Boston, he was lazy.  He was in the twilight of his career.  That’s why 1997 was so disheartening.  That season, Clemens was simply incredible.  

That season, he pitched 264 innings, which tied for first in the American League with teammate Pat Hentgen.  His ERA+ was a ridiculous 226.  He gave up only 9 home runs that season which equated to 0.2 HR/9 innings.  When all was said and done, Clemens was worth 14.9 wins above the replacement player, the highest single season number he ever accumulated during his illustrious career.  When all was said and done, he won another Cy Young Award.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!