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NFL: The Day After

By: josh q. public on: Monday, September 25, 2006

Josh Q. Public:  Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away.

Public Service Announcement:  OK here we go!  NFL: The Day After.  Let’s take a look how things went down in week 3.

Carolina Panthers 26 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24:  The story of this game is Phil Simms’ son Chris.  Out for the season.  No more spleen.  Do you need a spleen?  I gotta think if you’re born with one, you gotta need it.  Chris doesn’t have one anymore.  Not to sound crass, this may be the best thing to happen to TB.  Simms has been terrible.  Threw an interception on the second play of the game yesterday.  For such a highly esteemed defense, the Bucs sure missed a lot of tackles.  Steve Smith, Deshawn Foster and rookie DeAngelo Williams made them look just silly out there.  Caddy.  On my fantasy team.  Got a TD but, he ran the rock 19 times.  Gained only 48 yards, 11 of which came on one run. The Seville has now run 52 times for 107 yards, or 2.1 yards per carry.  Killing me.  Bad back and all.  The Bucs are done.   Not for nothing, I hope while doctors were removing Simms’ spleen they also removed the tattoo of his boyfriend’s name from his thigh.  Simply embarrassing.

Green Bay Packers 31 Detroit Lions 24Brett Favre.  Spread the ball around to the receivers.  Spread the ball around to his running backs.  Spread the ball around to his tight ends. Threw well on the run.  Threw the underneath stuff.   Never forced the issue. Precision passing.  Doug Ross style.  400 career TD passes.  Pretty, pretty good.  But hold your horses.  Remember, this was the Lions the Pack beat.  Don’t everybody start shoving that Styrofoam cheese on your noggins just yet.  The Lions are pitiful.  Yet Kevin Jones was still able to get 81 yards and a TD.  That tells you something.  Neither of these teams is going anywhere.  There is more hope in GB though.  If Koren Robinson isn’t suspended by the NFL for all his boozing, he will be a big lift for the Packers.  Cris Collinsworth’s on Koren Robinson during Football Night In America: “He scores a touchdown…he should go out and have a drink and celebrate!”   All class.

Washington Redskins 31 Houston Texans 15:  Everybody wrote this guy off.  Shannon Sharpe.  John Madden: “The Redskins have the weapons but the quarterback has to get the ball to those weapons. Do they have the right players to run the offense? I think therein lays the problem.”  O’s fan ne Skins fan ne Ravens fan: “The worst QB in the NFL.  Worse than Aaron Brooks.  Worse than Chris Simms.”  What does he do?    Tells everybody to shut their mouths.  BB King style.  22 straight completions.  Coach Joe Gibbs:  “You could tell he set his jaw.”   He sure did.  I know, it was the Texans.  Worst D in the league.  But still.  He was in one of those other worldly zones.  Brunell completed 24 of 27.  Threw for 261 yards.  Put 31 points on the board.  Didn’t throw an incompletion until 23 seconds remained in the third quarter.  He’s baaaack.  Clinton Portis.  Good news for Skins fans and fantasy owners alike.  Quick note:  The Skins have signed 21 ex-Pro Bowlers.  Not one of them has made it back since signing on.  What does that mean?  Who knows?  Still worth mentioning.

Seattle Seahawks 42 New Jersey Giants 30Elizabeth Hasselback’s husband’s brother throws for 5 TDs.  Archie’s son throws for 3.  To little too late.  Down 42-3 at one point.  Yikes! Neion Deion clearly opens up the passing game.   Darrell Jackson, Nate Burleson and Bobby Engram all benefit from the upgrade.  Seahawks take their 3-0 record and go to the Windy City for another huge NFC match up.  One might say the game of the week.   The Giants looked bad.  Their comeback attempt not-with-standing.  Jeremy’s Spoken.  See, this is when guys like Shockey, and TO and Kellen Winslow get old.  When you lose.  Their funny comments and kooky antics are a barrel of monkeys when you’re winning.  Start losing.  Like the Giants.  See what happens.  Shockey turns mean spirited.  Turns on his coaches.  Shockey:  “We got outplayed AND outcoached. Write that one down.”   The Seahwaks were in the Super Bowl for a reason.  They’ll be back for a reason.  You weren’t supposed to win this game.  You didn’t.  Now shut up and play football.

Cincinatti Bengals 28 Pittsburgh Steelers 20:  Who Dey.  Who Dey.  Who Dey think gonna beat them Bengals! The biggest game of the week.  Carson Palmer.  Heisman Trophy.  Carson Palmer.  First pick overall.  Kimo von Oelhoffen.  Takes out Palmer’s knee.   Carson Palmer.  Payback.  59,000 screaming, towel waving fans go home feeling shame.  Denis Lemieux style.   Ricardo Colclough.  Muffs a punt.  TD Houshmandzadeh.  Ball game.  Not looking at the score you would have thought the Big Cats were getting crushed.  They weren’t.  They won.  Bengals 3-0.  Steel Curtain 1-2.  Who woulda thunk?  Carson Palmer.  Four touchdown passes.  Carson Palmer.  Payback.   After the game.  Bengals linebacker Odell Thurman.  Currently embroiled in a four-game substance abuse suspension.  Crystal Meth no less.  Arrested last night with Chris Henry and another Bengal for drunk driving.  He blew twice the legal limit.  Chris Henry was a passenger and threw up out a window.  Davie Hogan style.  Nothing like a big win to get those juices flowing.

Miami Dolphins 13 Tennessee Titans 10:  Dolphins win.  Big deal.  Does anybody still believe this a playoff team, never mind Super Bowl Team?  How can they? C-Pep gets lucky.  C-Pep barely beats the worst team in the NFL not in Oakland.  C-Pep gets sacked 5 times.  C-Pep does not throw for a TD.  Nick Saban:  “They played like they did in high school.'’  That was supposed to be a compliment.  The interception that set up the field goal?  A mistake.  Zach Thomas was in position to catch the rock only because he was completely blocked on a blitz. ‘’I got stoned at the line and the ball just came to me.'’   Good job Zach.  Ronnie Brown.  Still a clown.  Sure he rushed for 90.  All were meaningless.  Like the rest of the Dolphins season.  As for the Titans, how can they not start Vince Young?  Kerry Collins?  C’mon guys.  The Titans’ longest offensive play this season is a 28-yard pass from Young. Starting quarterback Kerry Collins’ longest pass play: 25 yards.  I know you want to let the guy learn the game, but geez.  Your season is all but over.  Baptism by fire, I say.  Luke style.  I say let Vince “Next Level”  Young play.  He will be as exciting as Reggie Bush.  Better than Michael Vick.  Let him play.

New Jersey Jets 28 Buffalo Bills 20 Eric the Mangini sure can coach.  If I were a betting man, this is the game I would have bet on.  Jets getting 7?  Stupid, right?  How can the Bills be favored?  Ever?  Jets’ D gives up 475 yards. Jets O couldn’t get a first in the first quarter.  Willis McGahee.  Career high 150 yards.  J.P. Losman.  Career high 328 yards passing.  All for not.  The rest of the Bills are terrible.  Don’t look now, it’s still only September and all, but these Jets are now tied with the Patriots for first place in the AFC.  Miami who?   If Chad can keep himself healthy, this is the team to watch.

Denver Broncos 17 New England Patriots 7:  I had it backwards.  I had the Pats by 10.  Bill outbrained by Mike Shannahan.  Again.  That Bronco D sure looked tough.  Last night makes the Neion Deion decision look like a bad one.  Brady had no one to throw to long.  Not Troy “Football Players Play Football” Brown.  Not Daniel Graham “Crackers.”  Not Ben “Coates” Watson.  Not Reche Caldwell.  Not Doug Gabriel.  If the Raiders are letting a guy go, it must tell you something.  Clearly not Neion Deion Branch.  Maybe when rookie Chad “Action” Jackson comes back, things will be different.  But as they stand, against good defenses, the Patriots passing game has been exposed.  Corey Dillon getting hurt doesn’t help either.  Not for nothing, that Javon Walker character sure looked good.  Didn’t he?  The Patriots web site is selling Pats gear with Chinese writing.  Upcoming game in China and all.  Get yours today while supplies still last!

Baltimore Ravens 15 Cleveland Browns 14:  I thought for sure this game would be a blow out.  It wasn’t.  Kellen Winslow before the game:  “What do we have to lose?”  Kellen, here’s your answer.  The football game.  The game all but over.  Browns up 14-12.  3:28 left.   Keep pounding it.  Eat clock.  Right?  Wrong.  The Cleveland coaching staff allows Charlie Frye to throw on second-and-goal from the Ravens’ 4. Hell, what do they have to lose, right?  Wrong.  Linebacker Bart Scott gets through the line and crashes into Frye from the blind side as he was throwing to Braylon Edwards. Interception.  Ballgame.  Why would anyone listen to Kellen Winslow?  Stupid.   Baltimore 3-0.  This team is thinking Super Bowl.  Not for nothing, did you see Kellen Winslow get stuck hard.  Then fumble.  Who’s he gonna blame for that?

Philadelphia Eagles 38 San Francisco 49ers 24:  Who needs TO?  Not Donovan McNabb.  This guy is making people remember how good he really is.  Nothing like the 9ers to cure all that ails you.  Although this Alex Smith can play.  Made things interesting.  Then the play.  Fantasy hero Frank Gore.  Couldn’t punch it in.  Twice he tried.  Twice he was denied.  Third times a charm, right?  Wrong.  Fum-ble.  Keith Jackson style.  Patterson:  ”I saw the ball, and it was on top of everybody.  I picked it up and ran. I saw two of my teammates running in front of me, and I saw the official running out of the corner of my eye.”  Rumblin bumblin stumblin.  TD.  Ballgame. 

St. Louis Rams 16  Arizona Cardinals 14.  In a game I had absolutely no interest in.  Not fantasy or otherwise, Marc Bulger fumbles and loses the game.  Wait.  Not to be outdone.  Kurt Warner fumbles and loses the game.  Gross.  Two gross teams.  Gross game.  Gross outcome.  Gross.  Gross.   Gross. 

Chicago Bears 19  Minnesota Vikings 16:  Speaking of gross.  Sexy Rexy Grossman getting it done.  Bears win ugly.  Grossman throws an interception for a TD.  But what is more important is that Rex picked himself up,  brushed the dirt off his collar, Jay-Z style, and fired a dead-on 24-yard strike to Rashied Davis on the first play after the 2-minute warning.  Ballgame.  Bears 3-0.  Super Bowl Shuffle?

Side note:  How good did Randy Moss make C-Pep look in Vikingsland.  Would you trade Corey Dillon for Moss.  Would the Raiders do it?  If I were NE, I would.

Public Spectacle:

1.  Jackass- just cause

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Phil Kessel

By: josh q. public on: Saturday, September 23, 2006

Josh Q. Public: Mama Mia, that’s a spicy meatball!

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go! I feel horrible.  I’ve been stroking this Malkin kid and neglecting one of my own.  My new favorite hockey player.  Move over Evgeni.  Move over Sidney “Lady Bing”  Crosby.  Move over “El Ocho” Ovechkin.  There’s a new young gun in town.  His name is Phil “the Thrill ” Kessel.  The Boston Bruin’s own Phil Kessel.  The pride of Madison, Wisconsin Phil Kessel.  A natural born scorer.  A Harlem Globe Trotter on ice.  Electric?  Try high voltage.  Maxwell Dillon style. He has explosive speed.  TNT.  Dynomite.  Angus style.  He immediately becomes the best skater on the Bruins.  2004.   World Junior Championship.  Youngest kid on Team USA.  Led the tournament in goals.  Led the USA to a Silver.  2005.  World Junior Championship.  Took every possible honor.  Top scorer by a landslide.  Top forward.  Tournament MVP. 2006.  University of Minnesota.  Golden Gophers.  Inside College Hockey 2005-06 Rookie of the Year.  WCHA All-Rookie Team.  WCHA Rookie of the Year. Led WCHA in freshman scoring, assists and points.  Ranked 11th in the nation among all players in points. 2006.  Should have been drafted first.  Taken fifth by the Bruins.  A steal.  This kid can skate.  This kid can make plays.  This kid can score.  He can pass. He can see the ice.  Think pocket Kovalchuk.  And, he’s only 18 years old.  He’s tearing up the preseason.  Tearing it up at practices.  General Manager Peter Chiarelli gushed at one session:  “He was definitely the best player out there.”  Side note:  Phil’s old man was a record-breaking quarterback at Northern Michigan University. He was drafted by the Washington Redskins in 1981.  Played with the Birmingham Stallions in the USFL and the Calgary Stampeders in the CFL.  Good breeding.  Elektra style.  Phil Kessel.  Finally something to cheer about at the Bank North Garden.  Go B’s

Public Knowledge:

1.  Phillies still rockin-n-rollin.  Won again today.  9 out of their last 11.  Keeping themselves in it.  How can you not love Ryan Howard.  He is Big Papi, before Big Papi got bitter.  And that sure came fast, didn’t it?  One minute, he’s the darling of baseball.  The next, he’s Archie Bunker.  Losing does that to a fellow. 

2.  University of New Hampshire wide receiver better than Jerry Rice.  That’s right.  David Ball just  caught his 50th TD catch of his career, tying Rice’s Division I-AA mark.  Next stop for Ball, Dancing With the Stars, baby.

3.  Can we win anything anymore?  USA Basketball.  USA Women’s Basketball.  USA Hockey.  USA Baseball.  USA Their Football.  Davis Cup Tennis.  Ryder Cup Golf.  I can’t remember the last time we time we won something.    Miracle on Ice?  Dream Team?  Sugar Ray Leonard?  I can’t remember.

4.  Kicker Adam Vinatieri will miss the first game of his 11-year NFL career because of a lingering groin injury.  Hee hee hee.  Groin injury.  That’s what he gets.  Karma baby, karma.  My name is Earl style. 

5.  The post juice blues.  Yankees say Giambi Juice has a ligament tear in his wrist and will not play this weekend against the Devil RaysA-Broad’s boy has not hit a bomb in his last 65 at-bats. He’s had only one drought longer in the last seven years.  2004.  70 consecutive at-bats.  Ha ha.  Nelson Muntz style.

6. Cool like Fonzie.  40 40 40 club.  Bombs.  Steals.  Doubles.  Not bad, not bad.  Are you sure he wasn’t available around trading deadline time.  I know one team who could have used him. 

7.  Fanny Ramírez didn’t play again last night. If you weren’t paying attention, that was the 22d game out of 30 Fanny has missed since taking himself out of the last game of the Boston Massacre.  Disgraceful.  He should be embarrassed.

8.  Patriots kill the Broncos.  10 points.  Mark my words.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Who to Root For?

By: josh q. public on: Friday, September 22, 2006

Josh Q Public:  On location.  Touring ’round the nation.  Josh Q. Public is always on va-cation.

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go.  What’s a guy to do?  It’s play-off time and I don’t have a team to root for.  I gotta pick somebody.  But who?  Well, let’s get to it.  Let’s figure this thing out. Just know, this is not a prediction piece, just a team I can have fun following.  Clearly, the further they go, the more fun it will be, but, well, you know.

New York Yankees:  Absofrickenlutely not.  Do I even have to explain?  OK, moving on.

Detroit Tigers:  I think the best thing I can say is, they’re not unlikable.  They lack Pizzazz.  Panache.  That certain je ne sais quoi.  They do have cool uniforms.  I love their hats, Magnum PI style.  But I don’t know.  As great a manager as Jim Leyland is, I don’t know if I can rally behind him.  I hate post-juice Pudge.  To be honest, I never really liked pre-juice Pudge.  Red Sox connection? They acquired old friend Matt Stairs.  Doesn’t really help their cause here.  I dunno.  I’m just not feeling this team.  No studs.  A Rookie of the Year candidate in Verlander.  I guess, but how excited can I get over Placido Polanco or Curtis GrandersonMags is good, but still.  Nope. Tigers are out.

Minnesota Twins:  I dunno about this team either.  Terrible uniforms.  They did have a great run in the second half.  Overtook the reigning champions.  Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer are mainstays on my fantasy team.  Wait, let me rethink this.  They’ve got the studs.  Bonafide MVP candidate in Morneau.  Unfortunately, the fix is in.  Don’t think for a minute that anybody but NY golden boy Derek Jeter is gonna win that award regardless of actual merit.  It’s a god dammed shame.  Sorry.  Got carried away.  That’s another blog for another day.  The Twins.  Right.  I love saying Twinkies.  That’s a plus.  They have the most electric pitcher in baseball.   Great closer in Nathan.  They rank No. 1 in the AL in batting average, No. 2 in team ERA and are tied for second in team defense.  Jay Marriotti picked them to win the World Series.  That’s a negative.  Boof Bonser.  Anyone with the name Boof has to help.  Ok. Ok.  They’re in the running.

Oakland Athletics:  I think I like this team.  When I was little, they were great.  Probably the best team ever assembled.  Reggie.  Vida Blue.  Rollie Fingers.  Catfish.  The original bad boys.  I loved them.  That goes a long way.  This year they quietly handled their business.   Won the West.  Wyatt Earp style.  I love The Big Hurt. Great story there.  I hate Milton Bradley.  Tough to root for that guy.  Chavez killed my fantasy team.  Just horrible this year.  Big Hurt and history make this team a contender.  Plus, great hats.  Red Sox connection.  Jay Payton.  No help there.

New York MetsPetey not withstanding, absofrickenlutely not.

Philadelphia Phillies:  Philadelphia runs a close second to New York as most hated city.  That was the Sixers doing but still.  I hate Philly now, and that’s that.  So, absofrickenlutely not.  If they even get in.

St. Louis Cardinals:  They start with one foot in the grave.  I absolutely hate LaRussa.  I can’t respect anyone who loves cats and fights with back flipping Ozzie.  I love Phat Albert.  How can you not love Jim Edmonds and his circus catches?  But the Cardinals are not a cool pick.  They get to much pub.  It’d be like rooting for The Sox, Yankees or Cowboys if you’re not from there.  Front running.  I’m against it.  I love their uniforms.  Red Sox connection.  Jeff Suppan.  The guy they got for Steady Freddie Sanchez.  That can’t help.  Can’t do it.  Cardinals are out.

San Diego Padres:  Not feeling any love for this team.  Tons of Sox.  Boomer.  Cla Aiken Matthews.  Alan Embree.  Rudy Seanez.  Josh Bard.  Bellhorn.  Todd Walker.  Dave Roberts.  Still not feeling it.  I like Trevor Hoffman I guess.  Gross uniforms.  Should’ve stuck with the brown and yellow.  And when they wear the camouflage, they should be embarrassed.   Nothing exciting whatsoever with this team.  They’re out.  Bruce Bochy.  If you never collected baseball cards, you never heard of this guy.  Nope.  Out.

Los Angeles Dodgers:  Their home whites are the best uniforms in baseball.  Great hats.  Nomah.  How can I not be rooting for this guy?  He’s clearly my favorite player still in it.  Greg Maddux resurrected.  Maddog.  The Professor.  Unbelievable story there.  The guy who could put a baseball through a lifesaver.  If this guy doesn’t deserve another ring, I don’t know who does.  I always liked Kenny Lofton.  This may be the team.  No one hatable.  I know, I know, Grady Little left Pedro in too long, but to his defense, I wouldn’t have taken him out either.  He was still hitting 95 on the juggs.  D-Lowe is great to watch in the post season.  He bangs hot Fox newswomen.  A gamer, as we say.  That back to back to back to back game probably sold me.  It’s settled, from here on in I bleed Dodger blue.  How much would it suck if they don’t even get in?  Oh well.  The Dodgers it is. 

Public Knowledge:

1.  According to a report in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, Joe Girardi will be out as Marlins manager after just one season.  That’s what you get for telling your boss to sit down and shut up.  Even if you do win Manager of the Year.

2.  Fantasy Owners Alert!  Ron Dayne to start for the Houston Texans.  All you guys with Kevin Jones, get moving while he’s still available. For the record, Dayne has carried the rock 649 times for 2,374 yards and 17 tds. He has appeared in 73 games and started in 14 of them.

3.  Yawn, Big Papi gets 52. I’d prefer a pennant.

4.  Trevor Hoffman within 1 of Big Lee Smith’s record 778 saves.  I remember we had Lee and Crazy Jeff Reardon at the same time.  We kept Crazy Jeff and sent Big lee packing.

5.  It figures.  My boy Evgeni Malkin dislocated his left shoulder during his first preseason game with the Penguins.  He may not play in the 1st game.  it’s always something.

6.  Rocket will start Houston’s home finale against St. Louis on Sunday.  I bet it’s his last game as an Astro.  My money says he signs with Boston or the Yankees next year.

7. White Sox lose.  Again.  Ozzie calls his team pathetic.  Ozzie:  “Right now I feel embarrassed. My team should feel embarrassed. People are paying to watch us play and that was pathetic.  The way we played today was real pathetic.'’  Just today?  This team crumbled like a week old cookie.  Go Dodgers.

Public Spectacle:

1. Man getting pleasured at a Nationals game.  Lord knows there’s nothing else going on there in RFK.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!