The All Super Bowl Team

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!  Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious!  If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious.  Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye.  -Mary Poppins

Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go!  It’s here!  It’s finally here!  Super Sunday.  Super fun day.  More fun than Plaxico Burress gun day.  It’s a quest for fun.  I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun.  We’re all gonna have so much f**king fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our godamn smiles.  You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of you’re assholes!  Now that’s fun.  You know what else is fun?  Huh?  Do ya?  Sure you do.  Making up All Star teams is fun.  I know, I know, you wanted chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!  Do that on your own time.  This my time.  This my damn blog.  And now without further ado, my damn Super Bowl All Star team:   

Quarterback:  C’mon.  Really?  Do you really have to ask?  I’m not gonna answer that.  It’s stupid.  It’s a sick question and you’re a sick f**k and I’m not that sick that I’m gonna answer it.  I’m leaving.  Wait, I am that sick and I ain’t leaving.  You know who I’m picking.  I’m picking Tom Brady.  I’m picking the greatest quarterback who has ever been borned.  You can Joe Montana me.  Your daddy can Terry Bradshaw me.  Heck, your granddaddy can even Johnny Unitas me.  I ain’t biting.  If Johnny Unitas invented the two-minute drill, Tom Brady has turned it into a fine art.  He has played beat-the-clock twice at the Super Bowl and won both times.  All before the age of 30, Brady has won three Super Bowl rings, two Super Bowl MVP trophies, and he ain’t done yet.  Not by a long shot.

Wide Receiver:   This is an easy one.  A George and Weasie one.  Easy as you pleasie one.  Jerry Rice.  This all you need to know about Jerry Lee Rice:  While at  Mississippi Valley State, he picked up the nickname World.  Picked up the nickname World because there wasn’t a ball in the world he couldn’t catch.  And in case you haven’t heard, he’s caught some balls in the Super Bowl too.  Just to give you na idea of how many, here are some of his Super Bowl records:

• Most receiving yards in single game.  
• Most receiving yards in a caree.  
• Most receptions in a single game.  
• Most receptions in a career.  
• Most receiving TDs in single game.  
• Most receiving TDs in a career. 
• Points scored in a single game.
• Points scored career.
• Only player with a touchdown reception in 4 different Super Bowls.

That’s a lot of records.  That’s just about every record.  And if you saw him play in Super Bowl XXIII against the Cincinnati Bengals when he became the first wide receiver ever to win a Super Bowl MVP, you would know exactly what I’m talking about Willis.

Running Back:  There are a lot of guys you could pick here.  You could pick Timmy Smith .  You could pick Emmit Smith.  You could pick Franco Harris or Roger Craig.  You could.  I’m not.  I’m picking John Riggins.  Lighten up Sandy, it’s a good pick.  The original Diesel came up big in 1982.  Came up super.  Came up super in Super Bowl XVII.   Came up super in Super Bowl XVII versus the Miami Dolphins. 

Fourth quarter.  Ten Minutes to go.  Skins down four.  Fourth and a Lilliputian.  Theisman hands off to Riggo.  Riggo heads left.  Here comes cornerback Don McNeal.   Steamroller baby, steamroller.  There goes Riggo.  There goes Riggo down the sideline.  Riggo at the thirty.  Riggo at the 20.  Glenn Blackwood in hot pursuit.  Yes, I’m running down the railway track.  Could you help me?  Police on my back.  They will catch me, if I dare drop back.  Wont you give me all the speed I lack?  He…could…go…  He does.  Washington Redskins!  Woo hoo!  It was the longest touchdown run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history.  If you were from DC, it was the biggest touchdown run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history.  No other back has ever gained more than 166 yards in a Super Bowl.  Nobody came up as biggo as Riggo.

Tight End:  You might want the guy who made “the Catch.”  That was one play.  I want the guy who played every down.  I want Mark Bavaro.  He may not have put up gaudy numbers, but this guy got his uniform dirty.  He blocked. He caught balls.  He punished defenders.  His shoulder made Phil McConkey a star.  Mark Bavaro is what a football player looks like. 

Linebacker:  I hate to do this.  Like I always knew this.  Like Ray Lewis.  I’m not the biggest Ray Lewis fan you’ll ever meet in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neigh-bor-hood; but what’s right is right.  His 3 tackles, 2 assists and 4 passes defensed weren’t necessarily MVP numbers but Ray Ray was the heart, soul, and leader of perhaps the best defensive unit and performance in Super Bowl history.  And that’s saying something.  That’s saying a lot. 

Defensive Back:   I guess I have to pick Larry Brown.  I guess I have to pick the guy who had three picks.  Three picks in three games.  The guy who had two picks in one game.  The guy who became the first cornerback to ever win a Super Bowl MVP.  Sweet sassy molassy, I guess I have to pick that guy. 

Defensive End:  There’s gotta be one Steeler on here, right?  Right.  You bet your bippy there does. Here he is.  Here’s LC Greenwood.  Here’s one of the fastest defensive ends to ever strap on a pair of cleats.  Gold colored cleats at that.  They called LC, Hollywood Bags.  They called him Hollywood Bags because he claimed he kept his bags packed and ready so he could leave for Hollywood at a moment’s notice.  He got to the football in a moment’s notice, I can tell you that.   In Super Bowl IX against the Minnesota Vikings, he batted down three passes from Fran Tarkenton.  In Super Bowl X against the Dallas Cowboys, he sacked Roger Staubach three times.  He unofficially had five sacks in his four Super Bowl appearances.  He was one bad mamajamma. 

Kicker:  Sorry folks.  Sorry for putting another Patriots guy in here.  No I’m not.  I’m not sorry.  If Adam Viniateri doesn’t make this list it would be a sham.  It would be a travesty.  It would be a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.  He is.  It’s not.  Most career field goals in the Super Bowl.  Most career extra points in the Super Bowl.  The winner winner chicken dinner against the Greatest Show On Turf.  The winner winner chicken dinner against the Panthers.  That’s all Adam Viniateri is, a winner.

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Need More? Adam Vinatieri, Baltimore Ravens, Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Rice, John Riggins, LC Greenwood, Mark Bavaro, NFL, New England Patriots, New York Giants, Pittsburgh Steelers, Ray Lewis, San Francisco 49ers, Tom Brady, Troy Brown, Washington Redskins