NFL: The Day After

Monday Monday, so good to me.  Monday Monday, it was all I hoped it would be.  Oh Monday morning, Monday morning couldn’t guarantee that Monday evening you would still be here with me.  -Mamas & The Papas

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Monday, Monday, Monday!   You know what that means.  That means it’s time to analyze and dissect what happened on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!  Like my main man Walter Payton always ays, ““Never die easy.  Why run out of bounds and die easy?  Make that linebacker pay.  It’s ok to lose, to die, but don’t die without trying, without giving it your best.”  Let’s look and see who didn’t die easy.  Let’s look and see who made them pay.  Who gave it their best.  Better than all the rest.  Shall we?  Sure we shall.        

The Saints didn’t die.  Oh, no.  Shaun Suisham and the Washington Redskins did.  Wide left.  Laces out godammit!  Laces out!  Yes sports fans, the Saints maintained their perfect record for the season.  Another day, another dollar.  But their kicker missed one as well.  But their kicker’s perfect career mark on field goals was sacrificed in an attempt to clinch the win in regulation.  Just win baby!  Garrett Hartley kicked four field goals.  Garret Hartley kicked the 18-yard game-winner winner chicken dinner in overtime. But Garret Hartley’s 58-yard attempt at the end of the fourth quarter was the first miss of his NFL career.  That’s right.  His 58-yard attempt at the end of the fourth quarter snapped a 16-for-16 streak.  Oh, yes, they call him the Streak.  Look at that, look at that!  Hartley’s first field goal of the day broke Kris Brown’s 10-year-old record for consecutive field goals to start a career.  Look at that, look at that!  You can stop looking now.  It’s over.  It’s all over.

What’s going on with my beloved New England Patriots?  Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.  My dearly beloved Patriots couldn’t even gather here yesterday to get this through this thing called a football game.  Up by two touchdowns yet.   My dearly beloved Patriots squandered a 14-0 first-half lead in Sunday’s 22-21 loss at Miami.  Egads man!  It was New England’s third loss this season in which it led by at least 10 points.  The Patriots suffered only one such regular-season loss in their previous seven seasons combined.  I know they’re rebuilding while not actually rebuilding, but for goodness sakes.

This is Jeopardy!  I’ll take football for eight hundred Alex.  The answer is: Jim Plunkett and Bruce Gradkoski. The question: Who are the only Raiders quarterbacks ever to throw three touchdowns in one game at Pittsburgh?  Daryle Lamonica?  Ken Stabler?  Rich Gannon?  No.  They all started either a regular-season or postseason game at Pittsburgh but Gradkowski’s 3-TD performance in the Raiders’ 27-24 win was only the second at Pittsburgh by a Raiders QB.  Second only to Jim Plunkett who did it in a 45-34 regular-season win in 1980.

Look who’s back.  Back again.  LT’s back.  Tell a friend.  Tell a friend the touchdown maker’s back.  Tell a friend the shake and baker’s back.  The take’s the caker’s back.  Mr. Everything.  Yesterday Mr. Everything, LaDainian Tomlinson, found the end zone again in the Chargers’ 30-23 victory at Cleveland.  Hooray Mr. Everything!  After scoring only once on 61 carries over his first four games this season, Tomlinson has scored eight rushing TDs in his last six games.  That’s a modest total only for a player who set an NFL record with 17 rushing TDs over a six-game span in 2006.  Know this:  LT leads the NFL in rushing TDs since November 1.

Favre, Unitas and Michael Vick.  Well, sorta.  Garfield’s favorite quarterback, Michael Vick, ran for one touchdown.  Garfield’s favorite quarterback, Michael Vick, passed for another in the Eagles’ 34-7 victory at Atlanta.  That marks the 11th time that Vick scored a rushing and passing TD in the same game.  You might think Vick would rank pretty high in that category.  You’d be wrong.  With yesterday’s performance, Vick tied Brett Favre and Johnny Unitas, among other,  for, wait for it, wait for it, for  … 28th place in NFL history.

How ’bouts them Bengals?  How ’bouts them Bengals running backs?  How ’bouts Cedric Benson.  Yesterday, Cedric Benson gained 110 rushing yards in the Bengals’ 23-13 win over the Lions.  That gives Cincinnati a different 100-yard runner in each of its last three games. Yowza!  Bernard Scott and Larry Johnson were the first two.  Over the last 15 seasons, the only other team with a different 100-yard rusher in each of three consecutive games was the 2006 Packers (Noah Herron, Ahman Green, and Vernand Morency).  How about that?

Brass Bonanza:  The Brass Bonanza Award is given to the Sunday’s biggest loser.  Brass Bonanza was the Hartford Whalers fight song.  Need I say more?  This week’s Brass Bonanza goes to none other than my man, Tom Brady.  I hate to do this one.  Don’t make feel great to do this one.  Puts me in a very poor emotional state to do this one.  But do this one, I must.

Tom Brady was very unTom Bradylike yesterday.  Very unTom Bradylike throwing an interception on a 2nd-and-goal from the 5 with less than 5 minutes to play in Sunday’s loss.  I know it was only the second INT on 219 goal-to-go passes in Brady’s NFL career.  But it still hurt godammit.  So did this:  Brady was also picked off trying to drive the Patriots to a game-winning score in the final minute.  I know that marked the first time since 2006 that he threw two INTs in the fourth quarter of the same game.  But it still hurt godammit.  It hurt almost as much as it hurts to give you this:

Peace out homies. Six two and Even!

Need More? Bernard Scott, Bruce Gradkoski, Cedric Benson, Cincinnati Bengals, Garrett Hartley, LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, Michael Vick, NFL, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Oakland Raiders, Philadelphia Eagles, San Diego Chargers, Tom Brady