MLB: Handing Out The Hardware

Friends agree theres a need to play the game and to win again.  I’m winning.  I’m winning.  I’m winning.  And I dont intend on losing again.  -Santana

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  I know, I know, the season’s not done.  I don’t care, this is just too much fun.  More fun than a burger on a bun with a dish of apple sause on the siiiide.  Like my main man Bill Veeck always says, “This is a game to be savored, not gulped.  There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”  Or between seasons.  Today will we discuss who’s the best.  Who’s worst.  And everything in between.  So, without further ado, let’s hand out the hardware:    

Willie Mays Award  (Best Player on the Planet):  Albert Pujols.  Tony LaRussa calls him the perfect player.  Sports Illustrated calls him the perfect player.  Who am I to argue? This is all you need to know about Phat Albert:  His last bomb came exactly three weeks ago.  However, he still leads the majors with 47 and needs just two more to tie his career high.  Yowza!  He plays a Gold Glove caliber 1st base too.  He just set the National League all-time mark for assists for  first basemen.  Albert Pujols is the best player on the planet and nobody else is even close.

Teddy Ballgame Award (Best Hitter):  Joe Mauer.  Mauer of Minnesota has made a strong, some would say statistically unconquerable, case for AL MVP despite missing all of April.  He leads the American League in batting average.   He leads the American League in on-base percentage.  He leads the American League in slugging percentage.  He leads them all by a lot.  He is the best hitter in baseball.

Sandy Koufax Award (Best Pitcher):  You can King Felix me. You can Justin Verlander me.  Heck, you can even CC Sabathia or Mariano Rivera me.  I’m not biting.   Zack Greinke leads the AL in ERA, shutouts and WHIP.  He  is second in complete games and ranks in the top five in innings pitched, strikeouts, quality starts and batting average against.  He’s done all that for a last place team.  Greinke has foul stuff.  He has repugnant stuff.  Repulsive revolting stuff.   He is the pitcher in baseball, bar none.

Freddy Lynn Award (Best Offensive Rookie):  Rookie rookie, who gets the cookie?  Chris, that’s who.  Chris’ the big winner.  Chris wins.  Chris Coghlan had three more hits last night in the Marlins’ win over the Braves.  Hooray Chris Coughlan.  The kid now has 46 hits in September and 93 hits in August and September combined.  Yowza!  Know this:  The kid’s 46 hits this month are the most for a rookie in September since 1940, when Mike McCormick of the Reds and Pete Reiser of the Dodgers each had 46 hits. Coghlan’s 93 hits since August 1 are the most for any rookie over two consecutive calendar months since Cleveland’s Dale Mitchell had 93 hits in August and September 1947.  That’s all you need to know about Chris Coughlan.

Mark Fidrych Award (Best Rookie Pitcher):  I’m going with the ace of the Phillies.  That’s right, I’m calling him their ace.  Ace is the place with the helpful hardware.  What else are you gonna call this kid?  Well, you could call him a stopper.  J.A. Happ, who got the win for the Phillies on last night, is 7-0 with a 2.55 earned-run average in 11 starts following a team loss this year. Since 1900, only three rookies finished a season 7-0 or better following a team loss: Paul Dean of the Cardinals in 1934 (9-0), Mike Nagy of the Red Sox in 1969 (9-0) and Jaret Wright of the Indians in 1997 (7-0). 

Brooks Robinson Award (Best Defensive Player):  Heard it in a glooove song.  Heard it in a glooove song.  Can’t be wrong.  Can’t be wrong picking the O-Dog.  Can’t be wrong picking Orlando Hudson.  Orlando Hudson remains the best defensive player in baseball.  The best I’ve ever seen.  Maybe the best there’s ever been.  Just a glove machine.  And he won’t work for nobody but you.  Year after year.  Game after game.  Web gem after gem.  Simply the best.

Hank Greenberg Award (Best Jewish Ballplayer):  Jewmanji!  This is a rough one.  This is a tough one.  Quite clever and never, we’re together forever, Run-DMC and we’re tougher than leather.  The Hebrew Hammer is so good he’s hard to pass up.  How can you pass up a guy like Ryan Braun?  I have to.  I have to go with my boy Kevin Youkilis.  If I didn’t, I couldn’t post this video:

Impossible Dream Award (Cinderella Team):  Colorado Rockies

Jim Abbot Award (Best Story Player):  Aaron F’n Boone

Cecil Fielder Award (Fattest Player):  Pablo Sandoval

Andres Galarraga Award: (Comeback Player): Chris Carpenter

Ron Blomberg Award (Designated Hitter):  Adam Lind

Sparky Anderson Award: (Top Manager):  Ron Gardenhire

Lou Brock Award (Stolen Bases):  Jacoby Ellsbury

Clearasil Award: (Breakout Performance):  Felix Hernandez

Lifetime Achievement Award:  Mariano Rivera

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

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