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King Felix Hernandez

By: josh q. public on: Friday, July 10, 2009 @10:24 am

King Felix Hernandez

I’m the king of rock, there is none higher, sucker MC’s should call me sire.  To burn my kingdom, you must use fire.  I won’t stop rockin’ till I retire.  -Run DMC

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Ahhh baseball.  The one constant through all the years has been baseball.  America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers.  It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again.  But baseball has marked the time.  I love it.  Sure I love my Red Sox.  Love those steamy August nights, sitting on the back patio, listening to the game on my transistor radio.  Drinking my lemonadio.  I like other guys too ya’know.  I like Ryan Howard.  I like the O-Dog.  I like Roy Halladay.  And I like King Felix Hernandez.      

For those of you keeping score at home, King Felix has a 1.19 ERA since May 24.  For those of you keeping score at home, that’s the lowest for any Mariners pitcher in a nine-start span since the Big Eunuch Unit, Randy Johnson had a 1.14 ERA over nine starts in 1997.  How about that?

Felix Abraham Hernandez.  King Felix.  El Cartuela.  The Badass.  He throws heat.  Scalding heat.  Torrid heat.  Smoking heat.  Blistering heat.  Flaming heat.  Rapid Robert Feller heat.  Nolan Ryan heat.  JR Richard heat.  Heat clocked at over 100 mph.  At fourteen he was throwing ninety-four.  Yowza!  He throws a big ole bender.  He throws a nasty change.  He throws a slider so deadly, so disgusting, so filthy, so grotesque, so repugnant and so revolting, that the Mariners rarely allow him to use it out of concern that it might injure his arm. 

Ever since 2005, when King Felix was just nineteen and Baseball America listed him as the number one pitching prospect in baseball, Seattle fans have been waiting for this.  Anticipating for this.  Their collective breaths bating for this.  King Felix has been selected to his first All-Star team. He leads the Mariners’ starting pitchers in virtually every category.  He has the most wins, the most innings pitched, the most strikeouts and the most wild pitches.

But don’t worry about that, the King is finally all growns up.  He’s growns up and he’s growns up and he’s growns up.  The King is in shape now.  No more messing around now.  It’s all business now.  Growed folks business.  Baseball business.  Major League Baseball business.  The Big Show.  No more Sloppy Joe.  More like Lou Ferrigno.  He gets it.  He picked up some smarter eating habits.  He’s been hitting the weights.  He’s looking great.  King of the Evergreen State.

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

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