Barry Bonds Wants To Play For Your Team

It never entered my mind we could be wasting our time.  What am I gonna do?  What about me?  Oh.  What about me?  -Kenny Rogers

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  According to USA Today, Barry Bonds has given permission for his agent to solicit interest from major league teams in hopes of resuming his career.  Are you kidding me?  Like my main man Michael from the Deer Hunter always says, “Stanley, see this?  This is this.  This ain’t something else.  This is this.  From now on, you’re on your own.”  Barry Bonds is on his own.  All alone.  No place to call home.  And it’s gonna stay that way.           

In earlier days, say five years ago days, say preBalco days, preLance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada days, preGame of Shadows days; maybe those days there, things would be different.  In those days, this cat wouldn’t be a question.  This cat was top cat.  He was the boss.  He was a pip.  He was the championship.  He was the most tip top, Top Cat.

These days aren’t those days.  These days you have a free agent DH.  An oldish free agent DH.  A free Agent DH who was an All-Star the last time he played.  An All-Star who led the National League in on-base percentage.  An All-Star who led the National league in OPS.  An All-Star that led all of baseball in bombs per at bat.  Had as many bombs as Magglio Ordonez.  More bombs than Vlad Guerrero.  More than the Big Hurt himself.  More than Carlos Delgado.  More than Gary Sheffield.  More than those big boppers.  Oh baby you know what I like.  No one likes Barry Lamar Bonds. 

You can call it collusion.  You can call it anything you like.  But no one wants to touch this cat.  Pole cat.  Barry Le Pew.   Ahhh…la belle femme skunk fatale!  Tch-tch.  People are worn out from the whole steroid mess.  No team wants to take that on.  Not Tampa Bay.  Not Oakland.  Not Boston.  Not even the Yankees.  Not nobody. 

It’s not just that Bonds cheated.  It’s not that.  A whole bunch of guys cheated.  Big guys.  Little guys.  Guys you never heard of.  Big guys, little guys, guys who climb on rocks.  Fat guys, skinny guys, even guys with chicken pox.  The difference is that Bonds not only got caught, he thumbed his nose at everyone.  Gave ‘em all the old high hat.  And I’m sicka the high hat!  And that goes double for you Roger!

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

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