If Athletes Were Heroes

I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything.  -REM

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  It’s back.  Heroes is back.  I know the Round Mound said athletes aren’t role models, but he never said anything about being heroes. I  had to do this one.  Like I always knew this one.  I  had to pay homage to one of my favorite TV shows not called Dexter or the Shield.  So, awaaaaaay we go: If Athletes Were Heroes:     

1.  Hiro Nakamura:  Able to bend space and time.  Has to be The Great One.  Blessed be he.  Wayne Gretzky.   How else can you explain what this guy’s done did?  Again and again and again.  He must have stopped the old clock.  I mean how’s this little dude skating by, around and through folks.  Just deeking dudes like Tom Brady to Brian Urlacher.  His name is in the record books sixty-one times.  Sixty-one!  No one could stop him.  Ever.  Like they were standing still.  Like they were stopped in time.

2.  Claire Bennet:  The cutest little cheerleader you ever did see.  Save the cheerleader.  Save the world!  My boy Chompers is in love.  Is that wrong?  Claire Bear has the ability to regenerate.  Any wound, any injury, she recuperates.  Has to be Ted Stroehmann’s boy Brett Favre.  Takes a licking and just keeps on ticking.  The Packers starting QB since 1992 and now with the J-E-T-S, Bretts, Bretts, Bretts.   He has not missed one game.  Not one, I tell you.  Holds the NFL quarterback record for consecutive starts with 256 (278 total starts including playoffs).  Yowza!  Makes Cal look like a slacker.  I mean football’s a man’s game.  Takes a hero to start 278 straight games at QB.  Or a lot of pain killers.  But who am I to judge?

3.  Sylar:  Sylar has the ability to do it all.  You guessed it.  Vincent Edward Jackson.  Huh?  Who?  Bo knows heroes.  That’s who.  All-Star in football.  All-Star in baseball.  The best Tecmo player ever created.  Is there nothing this cat couldn’t do?  Homerun in the MLB All-Star game.  The only football player with two touchdown runs over 90 yards.  Bo Jackson had more abilities than anyone I ever saw.  Anyone.

4.  Nathan Petrelli:  Flyboy.  Who else?  His Airness.  Michael Jeffery Jordan.  Need I say more?  I thought not.

5.  Peter Petrelli:  The leech.  Will style.  Sucking powers off of those around him.  MJ’s boy.  Scottie Pippen.  He only had powers when Jump Man was near.  His powerless appearances in Houston and Portland proved as much.

6.  Tracy Strauss:  Is it Jessica?  Is is Niki Sanders.  For now, we do not now.  For now, she’s Mrs. White Christmas, She’s Mrs Snow.  She’s Mrs. Icicle, she’s Mrs. Ten Below.  Friends call her Snow Miser, whatever she touches turns to snow in her clutches…She’s too muches!  Johan Santana.  Just leaving batters frozen.

7.  Nuclear Ted:  He’s radioactive.  The Firm style.  Super duper power.  Has no idea how to control it.  Leaving body bag after body bag in his wake.  Michael Tyson.  The original Dynamite Kid.  If that cat could have contained his super power, he would have been the Heavyweight Champion of the World for a very long time.  He could not.  He became a pariah.  Much like our boy Nuclear Ted.

8.  Matt Parkman.  The mind reading cop.  Did you think this guy wasn’t making it?  C’mon.  Larry Legend.  He knew what you were going to do before you did it.  Every single time.  He knew what you were going to do, and he exploited you.  Made you feel all broke like. 

9.  Isaac Mendez:  The kooky artist who paints the future.  But only when he’s all hepped on smack.  Easy, right?  No brainer, right?  Dock Ellis, right?  The only time he was any good, he was all hepped up on LSD.  Pitched a no-hitter on acid.  Dock:  “The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t.  Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him.  I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive.  I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.” A true visionary.

10.  Elle:  Don’t touch me, ’cause I’m electric.  And if you touch me, you’ll get shocked.  Shocked.  Shocked.  Nobody’s more electric in the NFL right now than Brandon Marshall.  Nobody.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

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