Arnie: Mama, I want hot dogs. I want hot dogs, Mama.
Momma: OK, Sunshine, you can have hot dogs.
-What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. C’mon Manny. Whatsamatta? You know you’re money, right? You’re so money. You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs… So what’s wrong Bunky? What’s wrong with the greatest right handed hitter we’ve ever seen? What’s wrong with the greatest right handed hitter there’s ever been? You’re more jittery than a Mexican jumping bean.
You should have no fear. You’re Boston Red Sox legacy is secured. Safe and secured. Snug as a bug in a rug. You’re an integral part of two World Series rings. Two! And you know what the man says. You better listen what the man says. The man says, it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got them rings. Rocket ain’t got them rings. Not here. Jim Ed ain’t got them rings. Yaz ain’t got them rings. Pudge ain’t got them rings. Teddy Ballgame ain’t got them rings. Manny, you do. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Red Sox. You’re in the triumvirate. First there was Caesar and Pompey and Crassus. Now it’s Manny and Papi and Schill, oh my! Oh my indeed. The real Big Three.
If this team grabs a coupla more. A coupla more. Goodness! If it does that. Then, then, then… Then we’re talking dynasty. Then, then, then. Then, if we’re talking dynasty, what are we saying about you? We just might be saying you just might be the important player in Red Sox history. We just may be saying a lot. So, why so glum, chum? You’ve got the world on a string. You’re sitting on a rainbow.
You’re two bombs away from Mel Ott of the restless right foot. When he leaned on the pellet, the pellet stayed put. Three away from Eddie Matthews and Mr. Baseball, Ernie Banks himself. Eighteen away from Red Sox icon of all icons, one Mr. Ted Williams. Yowza! You’re going to the Hall. You have a shot of at least one more ring here in Boston. Maybe more. Just give it your best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out.
Why are you throwing old men to ground? Why are you purposely taking three called strikes? Why are you rolling around in the outfield like, like I dunno what? Why are you publically criticizing management? Is it about the money? Is it? Is it? Really? Frankie says relax. Bob Dylan, brother. Don’t listen to that dope in Wistah. Like Jimmy the Saint, you’ll be drinking boat drinks in no time.
So the Sox aren’t ready to make a decision on your contract. So what? Don’t worry. Like Bubbe always says, Gezunde tzores. You worry too much. I know they hold the $20 million options for both 2009 and 2010. I know they do not plan to make a decision on it until after the season. Calm down. You’re gonna gotta get it. You’re gonna get all of it. Just take it easy. Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.
Know this. Know that if the Sox do not pick up that option, you ain’t getting that twenty mil from no one else. No one else. No how. No way. But, if everything goes according to plan. If cooler heads prevail. If this teams gets to the playoffs and beyond. If stuff like that there happens. If stuff like that there happens, then the Sox will most assuredly pick up that option. Anything else would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. Don’t worry, it means what I think it means. It means you get you’re 20 mil. You’ll be a rich man. You’re life will be set. You’ll never have another worry, a care in the world. Manny, you’ll be wealthy. A fuckin’ Rockefeller. Got it? Huh? Do ya?
Then do the right thing. Please, please, please. Please just play ball. Just play the ball. Just play ball. Papi’ll be back any minute. Three home runs in three days down in Pawtucket. Schnikies! All will be right with the world. I swear. With confidence and unbounding determination, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help me God. Don’t tarnish everything you’ve meant to this team. Don’t tarnish even more what you could mean to this team. Just play ball. Roll Sox roll!
Public Acknowledgements: Swingers, Paul McCartney, Cab Calloway, JFK, Ogden Nash, Bull Durham, Frank Sinatra, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Things To Do When You’re Dead In Denver, Raging Bull, Eagles, Princess Bride, Spike Lee and FDR
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Need More? Boston Red Sox, MLB, Manny Ramirez
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