And I’m a bad boy ’cause I don’t even miss her. I’m a bad boy, for breakin’ her heart. And I’m free, free fallin’. Yeah I’m free, free fallin’. -Tom Petty
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans? What? Oh. You thought I forgot. Thought I forgot about the Yankees. Ha ha ha! Think again.
Last place. This is rich. Rich I tell you! Sing it with me bitches. Follow the bouncing ball. Na, na, na, na, na, na… hey, hey, hey, goodbye. Ha ha ha ha! Goodbye Yankees. I know it. You know it. The ghost of George Herman Ruth knows it. The New York Yankees are all done. I guess it’s over, call it a day. Sorry that it had to end this way. No I’m not. I’m not sorry.
Last night the Yankees fell. Last night, the Yankees fell to last place. Last night, the Yankee fell to last place in the American League Beast. Last place behind the Rays. Last place behind the Red Sox. Last place behind the Orioles. Last place behind the Blue Jays. The first time that the Yankees have resided in sole possession of last place this many games in since 1995. Ha ha ha! Poor old George Steinbrenner must be rolling around in his grave right about now. Can you blame him?
The Yankees are atrocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious! If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious. I don’t care. I don’t care if I sound precocious. It’s true. Like my main Casey Stengel always says, “Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa.” Well, Yankees pitchers aren’t pitching and Yankees hitters aren’t hitting. You do the math.
We all know about the pitching woes. The well documented pitching woes. We all know about Phil Hughes. On the DL. We all know about Ian Kennedy. Akinori Iwamura’s bomb on Kennedy’s fourth pitch of the game last night put the Rays ahead for good. We all know about Kei Igawa. Back down on the farm. We all know about them. It’s the hitting, or lack there of. It’s the lack of hitting that’s sinking this Yankees ship. It’s the lack of hitting that has these Yankees in such trouble. Big trouble. Big trouble in little China. Adventure doesn’t come any bigger!
Against Tampa Bay’s four starting pitchers, the Yankees scored two runs in 27 1/3 innings. On this 2-4 road trip, they hit .214 with runners in scoring position. 9-for-42 with zero home runs and a paltry three extra-base hits. Ha ha ha!
Where’s A-Broad when you need him? Where’s hip hip Jor-ge? There’s no need to fear. Captain Caveman is here. Leadoff hitter Captain Caveman was 1-for-18 in the Tampa Bay series. That’s no way to start your day.
Maybe putting on gold lamee underwear is. Jason Giambi is hitting .181. Jason Giambi is in a funk. You know what that means. Whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamee, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. “I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump.” Ha ha ha! It doesn’t get more desperate than this. It doesn’t get more desperate than last place. All I can say is, Let’s Go Mets!
Tonight’s the night we’re gonna make it happen. Tonight we’ll put all other things aside. Keep stepping on those Yankees necks. Put them out of their misery. No division. No Wild Card. No nothing. Take your shoes off. Put your feet up. Sit back, relax, and be a Sox watcher. Roll Sox, roll!
Public Acknowledgements: Gary DeCarlo, Johnny Mathis, Mary Poppins, Jack Burton and the Pointer Sisters
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Need More? MLB, New York Yankees
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