MLB: Hot Starters

When the pimp’s in the crib ma, drop it like it’s hot.  Drop it like it’s hot.  -Snoop Dogg

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  I know it’s early.  I know we’re not even at the All-Star break yet.  Heck, we’re not even in June yet.  I know.   I’m smart!  Not like everybody says.  Like dumb.  I’m smart and I want respect!  I know it’s early, but I think it’s time.  Time to start giving credit where credit is due.  Time to start giving credit to Major League Baseball’s hot starters.   

C:  Rookie rookie who gets the cookie?  Before the season started, all we heard about was Evan Longoria.  Before the season started, all we heard about was Jay Bruce.  All we heard about was Cameron Maybin, Colby Rasmus and Homer Bailey.  Doh!  What about this cat?  What about Geovany Soto? 

In his last start, Soto went 3-for-3 with a solo bomb and a double.  That game pushed up his average.  Pushed it real good.  Went 3-3 with a solo bomb and a double and pushed his average up to .352.  Soto now has six bombs.  Soto has an impressive thirteen doubles.  Double double toil and trouble.  He also has twenty-four RBIs.  Holds the all-time Cub record for RBIs in April for a rookie.  And, until Aramis Ramirez missed the last few games with a sore wrist, he’d been knocking in all those runs batting not much higher than sixth or seventh in the order.  How about that?  And if you saw that bang bang play at the plate.  That Prince Fielder bang bang play at the plate.  If you saw that, you have to love this kid.

1B:  Elbow?  Elbow?  What elbow?  Badges?  We ain’t got no badges.  We don’t need no badges!  I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges.  Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols.  The man fantasy owners stayed away from.  Stayed away from like the plague.  The man fantasy owners stayed away from like the plague is plaguing opposing pitching.  You can Derek Lee me.  You can Lance Berkman me.  I don’t care.  I’m still taking Phat Albert.  Hey hey hey!  Pujols leads all of baseball in on base percentage.  Pujols has reached base safely in all thirty-five games this season.  Yes he’s gimping around a little bit.  A little bit.  I’m sorry.  You insulted him a little bit.  He’s gimping around a little bit because of the play.  You saw the play.  That mad dash play.  That mad dash play from second base to score the winning run for the Redbirds on Monday night in Colorado.  That was a leadership play.  That was a statement play.  That play was about winning.  And isn’t winning what it’s all about?

2B:  Simply the best.  Better than all the rest.  The best player in baseball.  Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley was named the National League Player of the Month for April on Saturday.   Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley will be named the National League MVP at season’s end.  Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley would have been named the National League MVP last season if it weren’t for the injury.  He ain’t injured no more.   He leads the show in bombs.  He’s among the league leaders in slugging percentage, hits, runs, OPS and total bases.  He was the first second baseman to ever hit eleven home runs in April.  He is only the second Phillies player to hit a home run in five consecutive games.  The guy is batting .350  The guy has an on-base percentage of .431.  I know it, you know it, and Joe Morgan knows it.  The guy is going to be best offensive second baseman not just in 2008, but ever.

3B:  The spot generally reserved for A-Broad.  The spot that is generally reserved for the guy who passed out during the birth of his first daughter.  That spot there.  That spot goes to Chipper Jones.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Chipper Jones is hot.  Red hot.  My gal is red hot.  Your gal ain’t doodley squat!  Chipper Jones continues his assault on the .400 mark.  Jones leads the majors with a .429 batting average.  A .429 batting average!  He’s got more action than my man John Woo.  And he’s got mad hits like he was Rod Carew.  Rod Carew with power.  Chipper already has one MVP.  Is another one in the making?  Not with Utley around, but you know what I’m saying.

SS:  This was close.  Real close.  All sense and sensibilities say Hanley.  Hanley Ramirez.  I think very highly of him.  I greatly esteem him.  I also greatly esteem Rafael Furcal.  Furcal has missed a couple of starts.  Missed a couple of starts with a weak back.  Oh, excuse me, gentlemen. I’ve got to take care of my weak back.  Pardon me, how long have you had a weak back?  Oh, about a week back.  Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.  But before the weak back, Furcal was last seen smashing an Oliver Perez offering pitch over the left-center wall.  He’s playing every inning like it is the ninth inning.  He is playing every game like it is Game Seven.  He’s playing like this is a contract year.  Oh, it is a contract year.  Who cares?  With Jimmy Rollins hurt and with Jose Reyes underachieving, Rafael Furcal is primed to make his first All-Star appearance in five years.  Not a moment too soon.

LF:  A lot of guys to choose from here.  Nate McClouth here.  Xavier Nady here.  Pat Burrell here.  I’m going with Manny.  Mammy Ramirez.  Man Ram.  I’m going with the best right handed batter I’ve ever seen.  The best right handed batter there’s ever been.  Better than a  shortwave diathermy machine.  Manny is the straw that stirs the Red Sox drink.   Roll Sox roll!

CF:  Josh Hamilton.  Is there a feel good story that feels any better than this?  First pick in the draft.  Four million dollar bonus baby.  Drafted ahead of Boom Boom Beckett with the overall top pick.  Played some minor league ball.  Got hurt.  Got hooked on the horse.  Lost three years of his life.  Lost three years waiting for his man.  Lost three years and the twenty-six dollars in his hand.  Lost three years up to Lexington, 1-2-5.  Lost three years feeling sick and dirty, more dead than alive.  Lost three years waiting for his man.  But like Jack Torrance, he’s baaack.  Back and as good as ever.  Better than ever.  Back with the Texas Rangers.  Back with Texas Rangers and leading all of baseball in RBIs.  I love a story with a happy ending.

RF:  Meet the Mets, meet the Mets.  Step right up and greet the Mets.  Bring your kiddies, bring your wife.  Guaranteed to have the time of your life.  Ryan Church is having the time of his life.  Church Ryan Church went 3-for-4 with a bomb and three runs last night as the Mets smashed dem bums.  Church also hit a bomb on Tuesday and is now sporting a .328/.394/.541 hitting line with twenty-four RBIs and twenty-seven runs through thirty-one games.  That’s good enough.  That’s good enough for me.  Lastings who?

SP:  Oh, what a tangled Webb we weave.  Brandon Webb just earned his Major League-leading seventh win of the season this weekend.  Webb just matched Randy Johnson for the best start by a Diamondbacks pitcher.  This is nothing Gnew.  No gnews is good gnews.  Webb started 8-0 in 2006.  Webb is only one of three current players who has started 7-0 or better more than once in his career.  Pedro and that earring loving Arthur Rhodes are the others.  Let’s hope Webb’s career ends up resembling Petey’s more than it does Rhodes’.  It will.  This season, Webb’s change-up has become almost on par with his sinker.  That’s saying something.  That’s saying a lot.  Webb has a nasty sinker.  A filthy sinker.  A repugnant sinker.  Now he has a change just as vile?  A Pedro Martinez change?  A Bugs Bunny change?  Watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful paralyzing perfect pachyderms percussion pitch.  One, two, three strikes.  Yer out!  I’m out?  That’s what the man said, you heard the man.

RP:  What?  You thought you were gonna get away with only one Red Sox on this squad?  You thought I said are you all right Spider.  Jonathon Papelbon has now cemented himself the best closer in baseball.  No ifs ands or buts about it.

Public Acknowledgements:  Salt-n-Pepa, William Shakespeare, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Goodfellas, Tina Turner, Robert Gordon, Beastie Boys, Jane Austin, Three Stooges, Reggie Jackson, Velvet Underground, The Shining and Great Space Coaster

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Need More? Albert Pujols, Brandon Webb, Chase Utley, Chipper Jones, Geovany Soto, Jonathon Papelbon, Josh Hamilton, MLB, Manny Ramirez, Rafael Furcal, Ryan Church