I need to know. Who is this ampex2000 cat? Where did he get all these Chris Berman tapes:
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
You are the one I want! Oooooo, ooooo, ooooo. The one I need.
Oh, yes indeed. -Grease
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Make no mistake about it, the Dolphins need a lot of things. The staff is set. The assistants are in place. Now it’s time to get some players.
Football players play football. Bill Parcells is buying the groceries. He needs to mosey down the quarterback aisle and pick himself up a football player. He needs to mosey down the quarterback aisle and pick himself up some Matt Ryan. Matty Ice. I’m so hot for her. I’m so hot for her. I’m so hot for her, and she’s so cold.
Cold as a cucumber. Never gets nervous. Never Nervous Pervis. Never gets uptight. He just calmly walks into the huddle and executes the game plan. Matt Ryan plays football. In 2006, played football hurt. In 2006, he played most of the season on a broken foot. Awarded first-team All-ACC honors on a broken foot. Gimping to a double overtime victory against nationally ranked Clemson. Gimping around to beat Florida State. Wo oh oh oh oh. Wo oh, oh oh. Hangin’ tough.
Hangin’ tough with a laser rocket arm. Hangin’ tough with great mechanics. At 6-feet-5, 218 pounds he’s a full grown man. He was a full grown man one Thursday night in Blacksburg, Virginia. One Thursday night in Blacksburg, Virginia in the mud and the slop. One Thursday night in Blacksburg, Virginia when he brought the Screamin’ Eagles back from being down 10-0. Brought the Screamin’ Eagles back in the final three minutes of the game. Brought the Screamin’ Eagles back to a 14-10 victory. He also threw the game-winning TD pass in the final two minutes of a win over Clemson. A win that sealed the deal. Sealed the ACC Atlantic division title for the Eagles.
For Boston, for Boston, thy glory is our own. For Boston, for Boston, ’tis here that truth is known. The truth is Matty Ice is a leader. The truth is Matty Ice is tough. The truth is Matty Ice is smart. I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect! If the Dolphins are smart, if the Dolphins want respect, they’ll draft Matt Ryan. Matty Ice. Ice ice baby, too cold, too cold.
Public Acknowledgements: Rolling Stones, Pervis Ellison, New Kids On The Block, Godfather II and Vanilla Ice
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Chris Berman explains how to sneek 222′s into the country. Ty Law should have talked to the Boomer:
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong. -Albert Einstein
Public Knowledge:
1. For my nephew. Cockfighting. A centuries-old blood sport. Practiced for centuries in various countries. It’s wrong. Plain and simple. As wrong as Michael Vick. Unfortunately, in the Dominican, it’s not illegal. Pedro: “I understand that people are upset, but this is part of our Dominican culture and it is legal in the Dominican Republic. I was invited by my idol Juan Marichal to attend the event as a spectator and not as a participant.” I’m almost as disturbed that Juan Marichal is Pedro’s idol as I am about the cockfighting. Hee hee hee cockfighting. I giggle every time I type it. I’m just surprised Marichal didn’t take a bat to one of the cocks. Johnny Roseboro style.
2. Clemens/McNamee. I told you this was gonna get good. Well, it’s getting good. Real good. Somebody’s lying. Somebody’s not. Somebody’s going to jail. Somebody’s not. Oh, what tangled webs we weave. Looks to me like the Rocket is weaving himself right out of immortality.
3. The Patriots loss was hard for me. Very hard. Johnny Wad Holmes hard. But not as hard as 1978. In 1978 the Patriots lost Darryl Stingley. They call him assassin. They call him douche bag. The Patriots lost their head coach, Chuck Fairbanks, Rich Rodriguez style. The Patriots got run over roughshod by the Tyler Rose, Earl Campbell and the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers number one in the first round of the playoffs. That was harder. Not for nothing, that’s the same year of Bucky Godammed Dent. That’s the same year the Bruins put six men on the ice and blew their chance at an impossible dream of their own against the mighty mighty Montreal Canadiens in the post season. That’s the same year John Y. Brown and Phyllis George ran my beloved Celtics into the ground. This year’s been a little bit better to say the least.
4. I love Ocho Cinco. I do. I just wish he’d shut the hell up. Hello, this is Chuck to remind Bill to SHUT UP! Night Shift style.
5. Call off the implosion. Look who’s back. Dany Heatley’s back. Dany Heatly had two goals and an assist in his first game back after a shoulder injury. The Ottawa Senators beat the Florida Panthers 5-4 last night. I guess rumors of the Senators’ demise have been greatly exaggerated.
6. Yaoza, Yaoza, Yaoza! Yao Ming wins the battle between the Players of the Month. Yao Ming had 22 points and 12 rebounds against the LeBrons last night. Yao Ming led the Rockets to victory last night. He’s been doing a lot of that lately. Yao led the Rockets to a 10-4 month. He has averaged 22.4 points, 10.9 rebounds and 2.4 assists. In a 111-107 win over Golden State he tied his season-highs in points, rebounds and free throws made. He matched his career best with five consecutive double-doubles. He is the only player in the Western Conference to be averaging at least 20.0 points, 10.0 rebounds and 2.0 blocks this season. Now if he could just get out of the first round of the playoffs.
7. Little Stevie Francis. Little Stevie Franchise. Houston Rockets guard Steve Francis will have season-ending surgery to repair a torn quadriceps tendon in his right knee, but expects to play again next season. For who?
8. Curt Schilling talks about his shoulder.
9. Getting Giggy with it. Jean-Sebastien Giguere. Don’t call it a comeback. Last week, Giggy was pulled from back-to-back games for the first time in 135 starts. Once, twice, three times a goalie. This week, over the last three games, immediately following getting pulled, Giguere has faced 78 shots. Giguere has stopped 77 of them. Two shutouts. Three wins. Goodness!
10. Follow my Fantasy Baseball draft to end all Fantasy Baseball drafts here.
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
And tomorrow we might not be together. I’m no prophet and I don’t know nature’s ways. So I’ll try and see into your eyes right now. And stay right here ’cause these are the good old days. -Carly Simon
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Guess who’s back, back again. Shady’s back, tell a friend. Yup, tell a friend. Tell a friend the Celtics are back. Tell a friend the Lakers back. Back in the mix. Back to their old tricks. Getting their kicks.
Sure the Lakers had their fill. Threepeated their fill. Filled with rings up to their gills. But it just wasn’t the same. Wasn’t the same without the Celtics in the game. It might feel good. Sound a lil’ somethin’. Bit damn the game if it don’t mean nuttin’. It means something now.
It ain’t Russell/Chamberlin. A rivalry between two legendary centers that defined basketball in the ’60s. It ain’t Cooz/West. Two of the greatest playmakers to ever lay a handle on the rock. It ain’t Larry/Magic. The dynamic duo who resuscitated the NBA and gave new life to March Madness. It ain’t McHale/Big Game James. Second fiddles to no one. Nobody puts baby in the corner. It ain’t them. It ain’t me babe. It doesn’t have to be.
Center stage on the mic. And we’re puttin’ it on wax. It’s the new style. It’s the new Big Three. It’s the Big Ticket. It’s Ray Ray. It’s the Truth. It’s the new Showtime. It’s Kobe Bean. It’s Kung Pau. It’s Andrew Bynum. Even before Gasol’s arrival, the old rivalry has been heating up.
When the Celtics played the Lakers in their if you dare wear short-shorts, Nair for short-shorts at the Staples Center earlier in the season, the rivalry was already heating up. Sweetening up. Grade A meatening it up. When the Celtics played the Lakers at the Staples Center earlier in the season Paul Pierce and Lamar Odom immediately began a shoving match. Kevin Garnett and Trevor Ariza earned early technicals for a shoving match of their own. A League of Their Own. To achieve the incredible you have to attempt the impossible. In all, five technicals were called in the first half. Seven in the game. Garnett bled from his eye. A frustrated Odom smashed into Ray Allen late in the game and notched a flagrant foul. Ultimately, the Celtics won handily. Dandidly. But that was pre-Pau.
Now anything is possible. Impossible is nothing. Now, you, me and David Stern are begging for a Celtics/Lakers final. Why not? The Spurs aren’t so jingly this year. Not so jangly this year. The Suns are desperately trying to keep up. Desperately Seeking Susan. New Orleans? C’mon. Meanwhile, with Pau, the Lakers have evolved into arguably the best rebounding team in the league. Meanwhile, with Pau, the Lakers have a bona fide second option on the offensive end.
In the East, the Celtics are rolling, rolling, rolling though the streets are swollen with the best record in the league. Rolling with the best defense in basketball. So why not now? Why not them? Why not go back to the future? Yes. Yes. I’m George, George McFly. I’m your density. I mean…your destiny. Why not one of the NBA’s most enduring rivalries? NBA Action. Where amazing happens. I love this game. Fan-tastic!
Public Acknowledgements: Eminem, Public Enemy, Dirty Dancing, Bob Dylan, Gregg Patton, Adidas, Madonna and Rawhide
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
And off we go, let the trumpets blow. Well hold on, because the driver of the mission is a pro. The Ruler’s back. -Slick Rick 
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Look who’s talking now. The world’s favorite announcer is back.
I may be in the minority. Heck, I may even be the only one. The eua de colognely one. The lonely one. Only the lonely know the heartaches I’ve been through. Only the lonely know I cried and cried for you. I cried for Dickie V. Cried for Dickie V when he had been sidelined. Sidelined for two months. Two months too long. But he’s back. Back where he belongs. Back behind the microphone. Where it’s at! I got two turntables and a microphone. And not a moment too soon.
Just in the nick of time. Just in time for rivalry week. Just in time for Duke/UNC. Just in time to preach to the college basketball choir. He hasn’t missed a Duke-North Carolina contest in twenty-nine years. He wasn’t gonna start now. No, he doesn’t criticize. Doesn’t scrutinize. Doesn’t vilify. But that’s the beauty of Vitale. He adores basketball. He adores anyone and everyone in that fraternity. Rah rah sis boom bah!
Yes, his analytical substance may be lacking. He offered early on last night that, for North Carolina to defeat Duke, “they need great execution.” But that’s not why we dote on Dickie. We love the passion. Not everyone can carry the weight of the world. Talk about the passion.
He talks about the passion. He loves his job. He loves his sport. He loves the kids. And it comes through in every broadcast. In every word he utters. In every dipsy. In every doo. In every dunkeroo. So get together all the diaper dandies. Round up all the Maalox mashers. Make room for all the high risers. Make room for Daddy. Make room for Dickie V. Yeah we tease him a lot cause we’ve hot him on the spot, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
Public Acknowledgements: Bruce Willis, Roy Orbison, Beck, REM, Danny Thomas, the Salt Lake Tribune and John Sebastian
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Ignorance is the curse of God; knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven. -William Shakespeare
Public Knowledge:
1. Shaq to the Suns? Shaq for Shawn Marion? How does that make sense financially for the Suns? How does that make sense basketballwise for the Suns? I get why the Heat would do it. Anybody could see why the Heat would do it. A no-brainer for the Heat. But the Suns? The Suns? What are they thinking?
2. Bobby Knight. People love to give it to this guy. They love to tak about his outbursts. They love the soundbytes. They don’t love to talk about his three National Titles. They don’t love to talk about his Gold Medal in the Pan Am Games. They don’t love to talk about him becoming the youngest head coach to win 300 games, 400 games, 600 games and 800 games. They don’t love to talk about him going 63-1 over one two-year period, including back-to-back 18-0 seasons in the Big Ten. They don’t lovee talking about him graduating nearly 80 percent of his players at Indiana when the national average for Division I schools was 42 percent. They don’y love to talk about how at Indiana, Coach Knight endowed two chairs, one in history and one in law, and raised millions for the library. They don’t love to talk about how Bobby Knight cuts players for skipping class and for doing drugs. I like to talk about it.
3. Who am I kidding? I love the soundbytes too:
4. It’s Rivalry Week. It’s North Carolina/Duke. But more importantly, it’s Dickie V. It’s awesome baby! I can’t wait. I’ve missed that Sammy Davis Jr. summamabitch. Things just haven’t been the same without him. It was flat out scary baby! So get ready. People get ready there’s a train a-coming. You don’t need no baggage, just get on board. All you need is faith to hear the diesel humming. You don’t need no ticket, just thank the lord. Thank the lord for Dickie V. For Maalox mashers. For PTPers. For slap-a-lappers. For dipsy-doo dunkeroo slam-jam-bams, baby. He’s super, scintillating, sensational. He’s Dick Vitale dammit!
5. King James. King James is the hottest player in the NBA. King James was hot in the first quarter against the Celtics last night. Nailed a thirty-footer against the Celtics in the first quarter last night. Nailed a thirty-footer with his heel coming down on the red “C” of the Cavaliers logo last night. Release. Rotation. Splash. That’s how things go when you’re hot. You beat teams like the Celtics when you’re hot. King James: “I don’t need a heat check now. Every jump shot I take, I think I’m going to make.” Me too.
6. Mueller? Mueller? Mueller? A tisket a tasket, Nineteen year old rookie Peter Mueller put the biscuit in the basket three times last night. Three times to notch his second hat trick of the season. The Coyotes rookie leads all NHL rookies in goals. He is the first rookie to notch two hat tricks in a season since Marek Svatos in 2005. This just in. Peter Mueller is good.
7. Last comment on the Super Bowl. Everybody’s jabbering about this vaunted Giants defense. If Eli doesn’t lead that last drive downfield the only thing we’re saying about the vaunted Giants defense is how they allowed Tom Brady to march right through it with less than three minutes to play.
8. So I hear that Ron Burgundy interviewed Tom Izzo last night:
9. What are the Fightin’ Phils thinking? Kris Benson? Knock it off!
10. Just nine days ’til pitchers and catchers report and the Yankees still suck!
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Nobody, but nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog anymore! -Harry Callahan 
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Did you see it? Did you see Pau? Kung Pau. Biff boff eee-yow ka-Pau. NBA action. Where amazing happens. Fan-tastic! I love this game!
Let’s get this straight right off the bat. I hate the Lakers. I hated Showtime. I hated Dancing Barry. I hated Magic. I hated Kareem. I never hated Shaq, but I do hate Kobe. But, if I’m a Lakers fan, I love this trade.
Pau can score inside. Pau can score outside. His moves down in the box remind folks of Kevin McHale. He’s ambidextrous. And like my main man Yogi Berra always says: “Boy, I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
In his debut last night, Pau showed why the Lakers were willing to give a right arm to get him. Ok, ok. Maybe not a right arm. Maybe a left pinky toe. But still. The brand spakinest newest Laker looked spec-TAC-ular last night. Marv Albert style. Pau Gasol notched twenty-four points. Pau Gasol reeled in twelve rebounds. Pau Gasol dished out forty cents. Gasol went ten for fifteen from the field. He scored from everywhere. Underneath. Mid-range. Put backs. Off the pick and roll. Here there and everywhere. I want her everywhere, and if she’s beside me I know I need never care.
Kobe now knows if Pau’s beside him, he need never care. Kobe Bean: “He’s an incredible player. He makes everybody’s life easier.” Translation: Now, when they double me, they will pay.
The Nets paid. Sean Williams paid. Paid down on the blocks. Josh Boone paid. Paid around the glass. Yes! And the foul! Made them all pay in the fourth quarter. Up only four to start the fourth quarter. Eleven big points in the big fourth quarter. Five for five from the field in the big fourth quarter. Five big rebounds in the big fourth quarter. One big pass in the big fourth quarter. You saw it.
Saw it on Yes. Saw it on KCAL. Saw it on Sports Center. You saw point guard Derek Fisher leading the break. You saw him get it underneath to Pau. You saw Pau barely touch the rock as he flipped it over his head from his position in the low post. You saw Fish catch it without breaking stride and drop said rock into the basket. Dare I say it? Showtime, baby! Showtime. Wait ’til Kobe’s finger is not so numb. Wait ’til Andrew Bynum gets back. You just wait. You take it on faith, you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part.
Public Acknowledgements: Batman, Beatles, Elliott Teaford, Mike Bresnahan and Tom Petty
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
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