Patriots By The Numbers

Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.  -Rene Descartes

Public Service Announcement:  Ok here we go!  Nothing crazy today.  No Martin Scorsese today.  Feeling a little lazy today.  Just some fresh numbers.  Fresh as a daisy today.  Because it’s murder by numbers, one, two, three.  It’s as easy to learn as your abc’s.  ABC.  Easy as one, two, three.  Or simple as do re mi.  ABC, one, two, three, baby, you and me!  Like my main man H.G. Wells always says, Satan delights equally in statistics as in quoting scripture.  So call me Beelzabub.  Call me Ishmael.  But ya doesn’t have to call me Johnson.  Where was I?  Oh ya.  The Patriots.  The Patriots by the numbers. 

The Patriots have been scoring in bunches.  A plethora of touchdowns.  A gaggle of touchdowns.  A deluge of touchdowns.  A glut of touchdowns.  The Patriots have had twenty different players score a touchdown this season.  One shy the record.  One shy of the record set by the 1987 Rams.  The Eric Dickerson Rams.  The Charles White Rams.  The Don’t Call Chrissy Evert Rams.  But don’t get too excited, they were also the Replacement Rams.  One shy of the record tied by the 2000 Broncos.  Orange Crush.  Follow me, don’t follow me.  I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush.  The Mike Anderson Orange Crush.  The Easy Ed McCaffery Orange Crush.  The Rod Smith Orange Crush.  With Troy Brown back, don’t expect the Patriots to be one shy for long.

Tom Brady.  Tom Terrific.  When there is trouble, I’m there on the double.  From Atlantic to Pacific, they know Tom Terrific!  They know Tom Terrific has 81 wins.  They know Tom Terrific has only 24 losses.  They know since 1950, those 81 wins are the most wins anybody has had before reaching 25 losses.  They know the previous benchmark was set by Roger Staubach.  Roger Ramjet he’s our man.  Hero of our nation.  For his adventure just be sure and stay tuned to this station.

More terrificness.  Brady has a season passer rating of 127.9.  Pretty good, right?  Really good, right?  Wicked good, right?  How good, you ask?  Know this:  His milkshake is better than yours.  Damn right it’s better than yours.  His milkshake has the chance to be the best ever.  Better than Peyton Manning’s single season record of 121.1 set in 2004.  His milkshake has been 90 or better in each and every one of his last 14 games.  If his milkshake is that good tonight he will have tied the record.  Steve Young’s record.  Dan Marino’s record.  Hall of Famers’ records.

No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main.  Tom Brady is not an island.  Tom Brady is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.  So is Randy Moss.  Brady and Moss.  Moss and Brady.  We go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.  Remembered forever like shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom.  Brady and Moss have connected for 16 TDs this season.  Just two short of the single season record.  Too $hort.  Too $hort of the single season mark set by Dan Marino and Mark Clayton in 1984.  George Orwell style.  Too $hort of the record tied by Ted Stroehmann’s boy.  Set by Brett Fav… ruh.  Set by Favre and Sterling Sharpe.  Set by Favre and Sterling Sharpe in 1994.  The only other guys that have combined for more than 16 TDs in a season were Warren Moon and Chris Carter who had 17 for the 1995 Vikes.  Yikes!  And here’s a little added bonus.   Just ’cause I like you guys.  We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest.  As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado.  Anybody want to see second prize?  Second prize is a set of steak knives.  Third prize is you’re fired.  Moss caught 15 TD passes from Randall Cunningham in 1998.  Moss caught 15 TD passes from C-Pep in 2000.  No other player in NFL history has had even two seasons in which he had 15 or more touchdown catches in one season.  Now put that in your pipe and smoke it. 

Everybody loves LaDanian.  Everybody adores Brian Westbrook.  Those cats both have at least 2,500 yards rushing for their current team.  Those cats both have at least 2,500 yards receiving their current team.  Only one other active cat can match that.  You know who that cat is?  Huh?  Do ya?  You know who else got cat class.  Do you know who else got cat style?  Kevin Faulk.  That cat.  Yes he’s a chief, he’s a king, but above everything, he’s the most tip top, Top Cat! 

The Patriots are good in the fourth quarter.  The Patriots are the best in the fourth quarter.  Better than all the rest in the fourth quarter.  The Patriots are 79-1 with a fourth quarter lead in the regular season.  Since 2001.  Yowza!  Just so you know, since that time, every other team in the National Football League has at least seven losses with the lead in the fourth quarter.

Last one.  Lets dance, the last dance.  Lets dance, this last dance tonight.  Mike Vrabel.  Two Waybel Mike Vrabel.  Gordie Lockbaum style.  Heck, Troy Brown style.  Two Waybel Mike Vrabel has eight regular season receptions.  Two Waybel Mike Vrabel has eight regular season receptions for touchdowns. Perfect.  I know it sounds crazy but it fits perfect.  Peter perfect pimped a perfect Peter.  Honey dripper.  Sucker sipper.  Big dipper.  Sucker dipper.  That’s the longest streak of that kind to start a career ever.  The longest streak for any point in a career was set by Buffalo Bills Tight End Butch Rolle from 1987-1991.

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

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