49ers Alex Smith: Murder By Numbers

Because it’s murder by numbers, one, two, three.  It’s as easy to learn as your abc’s.  -The Police

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  John Brodie.  Joe Cool Montana.  Steve Young.  Alex Smith?  Ever since Terrell Owen’s boyfriend Jeff Garcia left town, there has been a dearth at the quarterback position in San Francisco.  There’s something missing from my life.  Cuts me open like a knife.  It leaves me vulnerable.  I have this disease.  I shake like an incurable.  God help me, please.  The 49ers need help and they’re not getting from one Alex Smith.  He came to town the proverbial knight in shining armor.  I’ll be your savior, steadfast and true.  I’ll come to your emotional rescue.  Alex was the Niners and the NFL’s number one overall draft pick in 2005.  Scored one of the highest scores on the Wonderlic Test of any quarterback.  You hear that Mighty Vince Young?  A lot of good it has done him. 

Smith is making his thirtieth NFL start this evening.  At the ripe old age of 23 years and 189 days, he is the youngest quarterback in NFL history at the time of his thirtieth start.  He will be passing Drew Bledsoe.  He will be passing Fran Tarkenton.  One thing he won’t be doing is outpassing either of them.  Smith was the fifteenth quarterback selected with the first overall pick since 1970.  The fewest TD passes in the first 30 NFL starts  by a QB who was the number one pick is twenty-one.  Both Terry Bradshaw and David Carr.  Smith has just nineteen passes in his first 29 starts.  Tonight, he could easily break that record.  A dubious record at best.  Which dubious you beous?  With Smith at the helm, other dubious milestones are falling like flies.  And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows.  All the good girls are home with broken hearts.  And I’m free.  Free fallin’. 

The 49ers had fewer than 200 net passing yards in each of its last 21 games.  Just so you know.  You know like Adrian Barbeau.  You know like Henry David Thoreau.  Quid pro quo Clarice.  Quid pro quo.  Just so you know, That’s the longest such streak for any NFL team since 1978.  And just so you know something else, 1978 is the year that several rule changes were implemented to increase offense production in the National Football League.  They may have to change some more to help Alex.

Need more?  In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more!  With a rebel yell, she cried more, more, more!  The 49ers are averaging 3.75 yards per plass play this season.  That’s the second lowest average by any NFL team over the past 30 years.  Goodness!  Badness.  Only the ‘92 Seahawks were worse.  The ‘92 Seahawks led by the inimitable Kelly Stoffer, Stan Gelbaugh and Dan McGwire. 

It gets worse.  It’s a curse.  A curse in a hearse.  The 49ers have not had a QB throw for 300 since Tim Rattay threw for 417 in ‘04.  That streak of 51 straight games without a 300-yard performance is the longest current drought by any NFL team.  It’s the longest 49ers drought since they didn’t get their kicks in 1966. 

Here’s a few more tidbits displaying Alex Smith’s ineptitude:

• Last Week:  17-38.  149 yards.  No TDs.  Three interceptions.  22.8 passer rating.  The lowest passer rating in 49ers history.
• Smith’s longest passing gain this season was a 34 yard completion to Darrell Jackson.  Only one other QB this year has thrown at least 100 passes with none of them going for 35 yards or more.  Air McNair.
• Smith is on pace to throw 330 passes this season.  He is completing them at a rate of 49.7 percent.  It has been nine years since an NFL QB threw at least 300 passes in a season and completed fewer than half of them.  Craig Whelihan and Kerry Collins in 1998.
• Smith has a 40.2 passer rating on third down.  The lowest among players with at least 40 third down attempts.  Next worse?  Jon Kitna, 53.

So tonight Alex faces the Seahawks’ schizophrenic pass rush.  The last time Smith faced the Seahawks, the NFL’s lowest-rated passer had his throwing shoulder separated.  Tonight he is without starting left tackle Jonas Jennings and starting right guard Justin Smiley.  Tonight he will murder 49ers fans with numbers. 

Public Acknowledgements:  Rolling Stones, Seymour Siwoff, What’s Happening, Tom Petty, Silence of the Lambs and Billy Idol

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Need More? Alex Smith, NFL, San Francisco 49ers