And though she’s not really ill, there’s a little yellow pill. She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper. And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day. -Rolling Stones
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! You’ve heard. Heard the word. Spread the word and you’ll be free. Spread the word and be like me. Spread the word I’m thinking of. Have you heard the word is love? Nice sentiment and all, but that ain’t it.
The word is steroids. Steroids in baseball. No more than eleven players from this year’s free agent class were asked to speak with George Mitchell as part of his investigation into performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. Woo doggy! We’ve had Juiced. We’ve had Game of Shadows. We’ve had Balco. Congressional hearings. Ken Caminiti. Jason Grimsley. Signature Pharmacy. Applied Pharmacy. Kirk J. Radomski. All of it. More and more names are being dropped. More and more players are getting popped. The beat goes on, the beat goes on. The beat goes on in this Mitchell Report.
I’m not here to claim the baseball apocalypse is upon us. But the voyeur in me wants to know. I need to know. I need to know. Because I don’t know how long I can hold on. And if you’re makin’ me wait. If you’re leadin me on. I need to know. I need to know who the eleven are. Since no one’s telling me it’s up to me to conjecture. It’s up to me to assume. It’s up to me to hypothesize, theorize, surmise. It’s up to me to judge. Here comes the judge! Here comes the judge! Here comes my best guess as to who the Magnificent Eleven are:
1. Eric Hinske: Rookie of the Year. Hinske was a decent prospect at best, but in 2002, he was Superstud. In 2002, he was big. In 2002, he was fast. In 2002, it looked as though Hinske could have as easily played for the Toronto Argonauts as he did the Toronto Blue Jays. In 2003, Hinske was big. In 2003, Hinske was fat. Signing a $14.75 million contract may have had something to do with it. Coming off the juice may have too.
2. A-Broad: Jose Canseco is coming out with a new book. A new book with more information. Much more information. Jose: “I have other stuff on Alex Rodriquez. He is not whom he seems to be”. Now say what you want about Canseco. He’s been called a liar. He’s been called a cheat. But everything he claimed in Juiced, seemed to prove true.
3. Sammy Sosa: Slammin’ Sammy. Just too easy, right? It seems so easy. Oh, so doggone easy. Yeah, it seems so easy. He’s gotta be one, right? Hopefully he gives Mitchell more than just: No hablo ingles. No hablo ingles.
4. Barry Bonds: Look at the size of that boy’s head. I’m not kidding, it’s like an orange on a toothpick. Well, that’s a huge noggin. That’s a virtual planetoid. Has it’s own weather system. I’m not kidding, that boy’s head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offsides, wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
5. Andruw Jones: Jones makes this list just because he has single-handedly disproved the contract year theory this year. Jones, has had one of the worst seasons of any major leaguer this year at the plate. He had been constantly battling with the Mendoza line. Jones’ story is just too bizarre to ignore.
6. Mike Piazza: Sam Champion’s boyfriend. The Monster is out of the cage! He denies everything. He compares the steroid scandal to the Kennedy Assassination. I’m not biting. From 1999 to 2002, Piazza hit no less than thirty-three bombs and as many as forty. In 2003, Mike fell off to eleven dings and has hit no more than twenty-two since. Not damning evidence, but still.
7. Jeremy Affeldt: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. We on fire. Up in here, it’s burning hot. We on fire. Shorty take it off if it get to hot, up in this spot. It’s hot up in Jason Grimsley’s spot. Former Kansas City teammate Jeremy Affeldt has stood up for Grimsley countless times. Is it a coincidence that Affeldt’s best year in the majors came when he was in a Royals uni with Grimsley. Like Emma Bull always says: “Coincidence is the word we use when we can’t see the levers and pulleys.”
8. Eric Gagne: Gagne went from being an also-ran starter with a heater that should have been called a lukewarmer to a Juggernaut closer with blazing cheese. I hanker for a hunk-a, a slab or slice or chunk-a, I hanker for a hunk-a Cheese! He set the record for consecutive saves. He won the 2003 NL Cy Young Award. In 2004 baseball announced they would be testing for steroids on an experimental basis. Oddly enough, Gagne lost began to look less Juggernauty that season. Then came 2005. A more stringent policy in 2005. Game Over!
9. Mark Sweeney: More where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I have only one burning desire. Let me stand next to your fire. Mark Sweeney stood next to Big Head Barry’s fire. Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season and originally blamed it on Sweeney. Gene Orza, chief operating officer of the Major League Baseball Players Association, told Sweeney he should remove any troublesome substances from his locker and should not share said substances. Bonds later retracted these statements but the doubt remains.
10. Mike Cameron: Cameron was suspended for the first 25 games of 2008 for testing positive to a banned stimulant. He’s played drunk. Cameron: “Shit, I’ve played drunk. New York City. I went four for four with two jacks and eight ribbies. I’m not saying that’s the only day I played drunk, but that was the best one.” Why stop there?
11. Michael Barrett: You all saw it. AJ Pierzynski collided with Barrett at the plate. Pierzynski slapped the plate after the collision as the ball got away from Barrett. Barrett smashed Pierzynski in the face. “I didn’t have the ball bitch!” If that’s not a cut and dry case of roid rage, I don’t know what is.
Public Acknowledgements: Beatles, Sonny & Cher, Tom Petty, Flip Wilson, So I married an Axe Murderer, Lloyd Banks, Time for Timer and Jimi Hendrix
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
Need More? Alex Rodriguez, Andruw Jones, Barry Bonds, Eric Gagne, Eric Hinske, MLB, Michael Barrett, Mitchell Report, Sammy Sosa, Steroids
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