I like Slam dunks take me to the hoop. My favorite play is the alley oop. I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go. Cause it’s basketball, uh, Mister Kurtis Blow. -Kurtis Blow
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! NBA action. NBA satisfaction. NBA coming attractions. It’s finally here. Yes fans, the NBA season is upon us. Like my main man the Big Fundamental always says: “Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.” Who’s good? Whos’s better? Who’s best? Answers to those questions and many more coming up in this edition of the NBA Awards Show.
Eng and Chang Cup: Eng and Chang, the most famous conjoined twins of all time. Jerry Buss and Kobe. I’m stuck on Band-Aid, ’cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me! The question on everyone’s mind these is days is where will Kobe end up? Probably in hell, but that is much further on down the line. For now, much to his and Dr. Buss’ dismay, he stays a Laker. Know this: The Lakers ownership has always conducted business with two objectives in mind. 1) They must contend for a championship. 2) They must earn that almighty entertainment dollar. I’ve got a pocket full of pretty green. I’m gonna put it in the fruit machine. I’m gonna put it in the juke box. It’s gonna play all the records in the hit parade. Buss may be able live with one and not the other for a short while. But no how, no way does he live without either. No how, no way. The Lakers can’t win a championship. No how, no way. No trade they make for Kobe changes that. So that brings us back to number two. The pretty green. Who can the Lakers get back for Kobe that will allow Dr. Buss to play all the records in the hit parade. Nobody. That’s who. Not Madison Square Gordon. Not Josh Howard. So, Kobe stays. Kobe pouts. Kobe complains. Kobe fills it up. Both the basket and the stadium.
The Jesus Christ Grail: Redeemer. Savior. Deliverer. Struck me kinda funny. Seems kinda funny sir to me. At the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe. Kevin Durant gives the good people of Seattle a reason to believe. How good is he? Really good. Phenomenal. Extraordinary. Fantastic. Yes, I’m high on this this kid. But barring injury, he should take Rookie of the Year. He has a silky smooth jumper. He attacks the rim. He will be all the Sonics asked for and more.
The Jimmy Two Times Award: And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like: I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers. The San Antonio Spurs. Repeat baby, repeat. Like Bum Phillips said of Don Shula: “He can take his’n and beat your’n, and he can take your’n and beat his’n.” That’s how I feel about Gregg Popovich. He gets the absolute best out of every player on his team. He has the respect of each and every one of them. At personalities he is the ultimate chemist. Another championship is looming. It also doesn’t hurt when you have the best player in the league on your team.
The Carl Spackler Prize: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! This year’s Carl Spackler torphy goes to the Memphis Grizzlies. A lifetime of mediocrity. Last year, worse than that. Last year, the worst team in the league. This year? The Grizz. A team barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild them. We have the technology. Better than they were before. Better, stronger, faster. It all starts with a healthy Pau Gasol. Throw in his talented buddy Juan Carlos Navarro, Mike Conley, Jr., second-year guard Kyle Lowry, returning from injuries, and the addition of Darko Milicic and you got yourself a derned good ballclub. Derned good.
Butch Van Breda Kolff Cup: Butch lasted sixteen days as Suns head coach in 1972. Seven games in all. Mike Woodson of the Atlanta Hawks should consider himself lucky if he lasts that long. The Hawks must win now. They must, they must, they must improve their bust. Hot Lanta’s eight-year playoff drought is the NBA’s longest-active streak. Woodson has made some headway with his young roster, but the former Larry Brown flunky has not been able to get the Hawks out of the lottery in his first three seasons. Mike Woodson, you’re on the Budweiser Hot Seat.
The Ronnie Dobbs Memorial Trophy: Ronnie Dobbs. The Most Arrested Man in America. The competition is stiffening already. Just last week, we heard the allegations that Jason Kidd harassed and groped a woman at a Manhattan nightspot. Justin Williams sexually assaulted a woman. Nuggets guard J.R. Smith was issued a summons on charges of assault, disturbing the peace and destruction of private property. But it’s early folks. Really early. My money’s on Stephen Jackson. He just can’t help himself. She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it. If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast. She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it. If she got a lot, of what they call the most. She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it. Brawling at the Palace. Shooting off his nine at Club Rio. Jackson just can’t help it.
Hatfields & McCoys Award: AK47 and Jerry Sloan. Last year the Jazz hardly challenged the Spurs in the playoffs. Put no fear into the heart of men. I blame Andrei. Kirilenko could be heard crying like a little devochka from hear to Izhevsk. It didn’t stop there. This offseason, AK made another stink about not wanting to continue playing for coach Sloan. If the Jazz want to do anything this post-season, Kirilenko must accept his role and start playing like force he was a few years ago. Don’t bet on it.
Twinkle Toes Flintstone Trophy: No not Mark Cuban. Twinkle Toes was a bowler. Chris Paul. He says his bowling scores average between 180 and 190, but he has a high game of 256. He hosts a charity bowling tournament each September in his hometown of Winston-Salem, N.C. One of the league’s top young players, Paul was recently named a spokesman for the U.S. Bowling Congress. Keith Glasgow, watch your back.
Gene Autry Prize: I’m back in the saddle again. Out where a friend is a friend. Where the longhorn cattle feed on the lowly gypsum weed. Back in the saddle again. The Boston Celtics. The Big Ticket. The Truth. Ray Ray. The New Big Three. The PGA Tour. Cover of Sports Illustrated. Cover of ESPN the Magazine. Nineteen Celtics games are scheduled for ESPN, TNT, and NBATV, with more nationally televised contests possible. The Celtics are back baby! And not a moment too soon.
Public Acknowledgements: Dallas Morning News, Winnie the Pooh, The Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Goodfellas, Caddyshack, Six Million Dollar Man, Mr. Show, Little Richard, Ben at Work and the Boston Globe
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
Need More? Boston Celtics,Chris Paul,Jerry Buss,Jerry Sloan,Kevin Durant,Kobe Bryant,Memphis Grizzlies,Mike Woodson,NBA,San Antonio Spurs,Stephen Jackson
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