The First Pitch

Hey!  Don’t come around here no more.  Don’t come around here no more.  Whatever you’re looking for.  Hey!  Don’t come around here no more.  -Tom Petty

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Ah, the longstanding ritual of American baseball.  Throwing out the first pitch.  Ever since President William Howard Taft started the tradition and stood in front of the pitcher’s mound at old Griffith Stadium on the Washington Senators’ Opening Day we have been inundated with celebrities tossing out the first pitch at baseball games. 

• Mr. Rogers did it.  Won’t you be my neighbor? 
• Gerald Ford did it in Milwaukee wearing a Kansas City Royals jacket. 
• Even a monkey named Ayla threw out the ceremonial first pitch before a game at Fenway Park against Texas. 

Then there was Sunday night.  Game Seven.  Kevin Millar.  Cowboy up!  Huh?  Even Terry Francona was astonished:  “I don’t get it.”  Neither do I.  Neither do Orioles fans. 

We want the world and we want it now.  We’re gonna take it anyhow.  We want the airwaves.  We want the airwaves, baby!  On the local airwaves and in Orioles-related chat rooms fans are besides themselves. They are Jekyll and Hydes themselves.  Cried themselves.  Questioning Millar’s loyalty and commitment.  All this got me thinking.  Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve been thinking.  What the hell have you been drinking?  Got me thinking, who are the least likely candidates to throw out the first pitch at Fenway during this World Series.

6.  Ben Dreith:  1976.  Patriots/Raiders.  Playoffs.  The Patriots battled the 13-1 Raiders (the one loss coming at Foxborough) tooth and nail.  Battled for the Holy Grail.  Battled in a heroic tale.  Led 21-17 late in the game.  Had the Raiders stopped cold.  I’m so hot for her, I’m so hot for her, I’m so hot for her and she’s so cold.  Stopped cold after holding Oakland on third and 18 at the Pats 28-yard line.  Instead having to go for it on fourth and 18, referee Ben Dreith called roughing the passer on Sugar Bear Hamilton. The worst call I’ve ever seen.  The worst call there’s ever been.  The beginning of the end.  Both for the game and the Patriots future.  As a side note, I wouldn’t expect Raiders’ DB Jack Tatum getting any invitations either.

5.  Jack Hamilton:  Tony C.  The future of the Red Sox.  He electrified the Fenway Faithful by hitting the first pitch he ever saw at the old ball park over the monster for a home run.  In his sophomore campaign, Conigliaro led the league in home runs. He became the youngest American League player to reach a career total of 100 home runs.  A local kid.  Beloved.  Then it happened.   Hamilton hit Conigliaro with a pitch that fractured his cheekbone and eye socket and severely damaged his retina.  Conigliaro nearly died.  He came back, but was never the same.

4.  Isiah Thomas:  I think Larry is a very, very good basketball player.  He’s an exceptional talent.   But I have to agree with Rodman. If he were black, he’d be just another good guy.  You don’t tug on Superman’s cape.  You don’t spit into the wind.  You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.  And you don’t mess around with the Legend.

3.  Ulf Samuelsson:  Dirtiest of the dirty.  Cheapest of the cheap.  Gooniest of the goons.   High stick to the eye Pierre Mondou.  Career over.  He was a Canadien, so we didn’t care.  We did care about Cam Neely.  We cared a lot.  On the ice, Cam Neely defined the power forward.  Think Alexander Ovechkin.  Explosive.  Punishing.  Tenacious.  And boy could he fill it up.  50 goals in 44 games during the 1993-94 season.  The third fastest tally of all-time for the coveted scoring benchmark.  Only Wayne Gretsky made the grade of 50 in fewer contests.  That all ended during the Game 6 of the 1991 Prince of Wales Conference Finals.  That all ended on a cheap shot by Ulf Samuelsson. 

2.  Billy Buckner:  Bill Buckner played for over twenty years in the bigs.  Bill Buckner accumulated over 2700 career hits.  Bill Buckner.  Goat for life.

1.  Bucky Dent:  Deep to left!  Yastrzemski will not get it.  It’s a home run!  A three-run home run for Bucky Dent and the Yankees now lead it by a score of three to two!  Is there a bigger symbol of the Red Sox futility prior to 2004 than this cat?  Bucky Bleepin’ Dent.

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

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