Boston Red Sox: Jonathan Papelbon

You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell.  -Anita Ward

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is.  What a relief Jonathan Papelbon is.  Best closer in baseball.  Wild Thing, you make my heart sing. Made our hearts sing last night. 

Last night, he pitched a perfect 1 1/3 innings.  I know it sounds crazy but it fits perfect.  Peter perfect pimped a perfect Peter.  Honey dripper, sucker sipper, big dipper, sucker dipper.  Drippin’ suckers like it’s goin’ out-a-style.  Creatin’ flavors for da Flavor Flav pile.  Lampin’ booyee madina style. 

Papelbon’s been lampin’ medina style.  Struck out three.  Struck out three for his thirtieth save in thirty-two opportunities.  Holy cow!  He became the first Red Sox pitcher to have at least thirty saves in two different seasons.  Stanley Steamer didn’t do it.  Big Lee Smith didn’t do it.  Jeff Reardon didn’t do it.  Soup Campbell didn’t do it.  Monster Dick Radatz didn’t do it.  Heathcliff Slocumb certainly didn’t do it.  Eck may have won twenty games in a Red Sox uniform, but he never did it.  Never got a dinner.  Red Buttons style.  Papelbon did.  He did it back to back.  He is the best closer in baseball.  Sounded so nice, I said it twice.

Mariano may be the anointed one, but folks have been stepping all over his cape lately.  Yankees fans are screaming for Joba.  Bobby Jenks just saw his record-tying stretch of forty-one straight batters retired come to an end but he plays on a terrible team.  Not the same.  The games don’t matter.  When Trevor Hoffman is done pitching, he’ll be honored in Cooperstown.  Hell’s Bells!  But Hoff coughed up another save last night.  Maybe JJ Putz.  Maybe.  But has anyone outside of the Pacific Northwest seen this cat pitch?  For my money, I’ll take Jonathan Papelbon. 

I’ll take Pap and his new pitch.  His new pitch, the slutter.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  This pitch is a kick your butter.  Half fastball, half slider, all amazing.  Papelbon’s been amazing.  Throwing his blazing fastball along with the slutter, he’s been nothing short of dominant.  Papelbon became just the fourth pitcher in Major League history to save thirty games in his first two full seasons.   Mayor Billy Koch did it in his first four years.  Kaz Sasaki and Todd Worrell did it in their first three years.  Pap’s better. 

Last night, he took the mound with two outs in the eighth.  Took the mound with two outs in the eighth in an 8-6 ballgame.  Two outs in the eighth in an 8-6 ballgame and a runner at first.  Johnny Gomes up.  Slutter.  Punchado.  End of inning.  Papelbon went in for the ninth, fifteen pitches, eleven Ks.  Another notch in his belt.  And here in the bar, the piano man’s found another nail for my heart.  The Red Sox gain another game in the standings and as long as Mr. Papelbon is around to close out baseball games, you can count on a few more.  Roll Sox, roll!

PS:  Anaheim on a cool summer night.  Garrett Anderson ten RBIs.  Mike Mussina seven earned runs in 1.2 innings.  A-Broad two more dings that did not matter.  Theeeeeee Yankees lose…priceless.

Public Acknowledgements:  Boston Globe, Throggs, Public Enemy, Squeeze and Trip.

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

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