This is the end.  Beautiful friend.  This is the end.  My only friend, the end.  -The Doors

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans?  Ha ha ha!  Did you see it?  Huh?  Didjya?  This is what the Deetroit Tigers did to the Yankees last night:

 Red Sox Yankees.  Tonight.  Tonight’s the night.  Stay away from my window.  Stay away from my back door too.  Disconnect the telephone line.  Relax baby and draw that blind.  Yup, this is it.  Sing it with me bitches.  Follow the bouncing ball.  Na,na… na, na, na, na… hey, hey, hey… goodbye.  Ha ha ha ha!  Goodbye Yankees. 

I know it.  You know it.  The ghost of George Herman Ruth knows it.  The New York Yankees are all done.  I guess it’s over, call it a day.  Sorry that it had to end this way.  No reason to pretend.  We knew it had to end some day, this way.  Yes we did.  Yes we did.  We knew the Yankees pitching staff was middling at best.  We knew Phenom Phyllis Hughs was merely a rookie.  A 2-2, 5.35 ERA rookie. 

We knew Fat Roger was the savior of nothing.  Not steadfast.  Not true.  Coming to no one’s emotional rescue.  We knew Bullwinkle was meat.  A mere shell of the man he once was.  On this last road trip, the Yankees lost five of seven games to the Angels and Tigers.  Lost them by scores of 7-6, 18-9, 9-6, 5-4 and 16-0.  Just getting smacked around real good like.  Not even giving the big bats a chance. 

Until the Bombers can win a 2-1 nail biter.  A 2-1 and still prevail biter.  A 2-1 priority mail biter.  Until they can win one of those, fuhgettaboutit.  And just so you know.  Just so you know, the last time the Yankees won a game when they scored fewer than five runs was July 17.  On July 17, they beat the Blue Jays 3-2.  They’re in big trouble.  Ya got trouble.  Right here in New York City!  With a capital “T.”  And that rhymes with “P.”  And that stands for pitching. 

The Red Sox got pitching.  Heaps of pitching.  Scads of pitching.  Gobs of pitching.  Pitching coming out of their eyeballs.  Like the man says, you’re only as good as your next starter.  Our next starter is D-Nice.  Gyromite!  So tonight’s the night we’re gonna make it happen.  Tonight we’ll put all other things aside.  Tonight we’ll step on the Yankees necks.  Put them out of their misery.  No division.  No Wild Card.  No nothing.  Take your shoes off.  Put your feet up.  Sit back, relax, and be a Sox watcher.  Roll Sox, roll!

Public Acknowledgements:  NY Daily News, Casino, Rod Stewart, Steam, Johnny Mathis, Rolling Stones, Music Man, the Pointer Sisters and Raging Bull

Public Spectacle:
This is what the Sox will do to the Yankees:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.  -Socrates

Public Knowledge:

1.  Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi.  Yup.  The fat lady.  She ain’t singing, but she sure as heck is warming up.  If you watched the Yankees arms stumble and bumble during their two-week jaunt through the upper echelons of the American League, you saw the writing on the wall.  You saw that the Big Bad Bombers do not have enough starting pitching to be any serious threat to the Red Sox in the AL Beast or catch the Mariners in the wild-card chase.  You can Andy Petite me.  You can Mr. Wang, No Offense me.  You can Joba Chamberpot me.  Heck, you can even Luis Vizcaino me.  I’m not biting.  I saw Bullwinkle pitch.  I saw Fat Roger pitch.  I saw the chosen one, Phyllis HUghs pitch.  I am not impressed.  Roll sox, roll!

2.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch.  Back at Red Sox Nation.  Back at Red Sox Nation, Boston is doing what Boston has done all year.  Boston has been winning ball games.  Winning with pitching.  Winning with Cy Young favorite Boom Boom Beckett.  Winning with Schill the Thrill.  Winning with D-Nice.  Winning with Tim Bake and Wakefield.  And Yes, winning with Julian Tavarez.  Winning and putting themselves out of reach.  And your world around is crumbling down, darlin’.  Reach out, come on girl reach on out for me.  Reach out, reach out for me I’ll be there with a love that will shelter you.  I’ll be there with a love that will see you through.  The Red Sox have been seeing it through.  The Red Sox have just completed a historic four-game sweep of the White Sox with an 11-1 victory.  The Red Sox outscored the White Sox 46-7 in the series.  Their run total was the most for the franchise since it scored the same amount against the St. Louis Browns in 1949.  The Red Sox have taken a 7 1/2-game lead over New York with five weeks and 31 games to play.  Roll Sox roll! 

3.  It just never ends.  Thank goodness Lance Briggs signed that 7.2 Million dollar contract.  He’s gonna need some of that dough now.  A damaged black Lamborghini registered to the Chicago Bears linebacker found abandoned on the highway on the North Side of Chicago.  I’ll never understand why these uber-rich guys just don’t get their drunk asses into a cab.  Makes no sense.

4.  Chasing the Mets.  Just in the nick of time.  The second-place Fighting Phills have a chance to make up major ground in the NL East race.  Major ground.  Like Major Wolfgang Hochstetter, only different.  The Phillies host the Metropolitans in a four-game series starting tonight.   And starting tonight, they’ll have Chase Utley back in the lineup.  You remember Chase, don’t you?  Last seen, Utley was hit by a pitch and had to have surgery the next day to have a pin put in the fourth metacarpal of his right hand.   Yikes!  Well he’s back now.  Back to pick up where he left off.  Back to hitting .336 with 41 doubles, 17 homers and 82 RBIs.  Back to continue his quest for the MVP.  Be careful Mets fans.  Be very careful.  Sidenote:  Philly ace Cole Hamels said his throwing elbow felt “normal” after playing catch with pitching coach Rich Dubee from 80 feet.  Be careful Mets fans.  Be very careful.

5.  Brady Quinn the Eskimo.  Come all without.  Come all within.  You’ll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn.  Maybe not, but you’re gonna have to wait.  Even though rookie quarterback Brady Quinn has been tearing up the preseason, Browns management says Brady likely won’t be leading the Cleveland offense in its opener.  That statement alone tells me two things.  It tells me Charlie Frye is horrible.  It also tells me the Mighty Quinn will be starting shortly.  Very shortly.

6.  Now I’ve heard it all.  I couldn’t believe Jerry Rice did it.  I really couldn’t believe Emmitt Smith did it.  I didn’t care when Clyde the Glide did it.  Now this guy?  No one leaves baby in the corner!  Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will become the next cast member of Dancing With the Stars.  Judges beware.

7.  Celtics sign James Posey.  Posey can knock down the open three.  Yes he can.  But that’s not why he’s here.  He’s here to play some defense.  You saw him shut down Richard Hamilton.  You saw him shut down Vince Carter.  You saw him shut down Richard Jefferson.  You definitely saw him shut down the Bulls’ Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas.  Mr. Posey is a dogged defender.  He loves the tough assignments. His defense on Dallas’ Dirk Nowitzki Dallas’ Dirk Nowitzki during the 2006 Finals was legendary.  Happy days are here again.  The skies above are clear again.  So lets sing a song of cheer again.  Happy days are here again!

8.  This from the Angry T:  Carlos Pena is a hitting machine.  If you would have told me two years ago that I would utter that phrase at any time in my life, I would have probably hit you with a sock full of quarters, stole your wallet, and called you a liar.  Now why can’t I get writers like that.

9.  Yankees still suck.  Magic Number:  25

Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!

Take a listen you retard:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

Everything will eventually come to an end.  So try to savor the moment.  Cuz time flies, don’t it.  The beauty of life, you gotta make it last for the better.  Cuz nothin’ lasts forever.  -Nas

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Just a little one today.  An itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini one today.  That she wore for the first time today. 

Maybe you missed it.  Maybe you missed the Bombers oh so heartbreaking loss at the hands of Carlos Guillen and the Deetroit Tigers.  Walk-off bomb by Carlos Guillen and the Deetroit Tigers.  Spanish bombs, yo te quiero infinito.  Yo te quiero, oh mi corazn.  Woo doggy!  Walk-off bomb by Carlos Guillen and the Deetroit Tigers at 3:30 in the morning.  If you missed that, you probably missed this. 

You probably missed Placido Polanco’s errorless streak of 147 games come to an end.  147!  Yowza!   I got nuttin’ but glove for you, baby.  I got nuttin’ but glove for you, honey.  Polanco’s errorless streak of 147 games ended in the first inning.  It ended on a Got Melky Cabrera chopper that Polanco fielded flawlessly.  But Captain Caveman was on first base, and Polanco tried to run him back towards the bag and then throw on the run.  Caribbean Queen now we’re sharing the same dream.  And our hearts they beat as one.  No more glove on the run.  The throw pulled Marcus Thames centimeters off the base.  Centimeters I tell you!  Safe!  Error.  If Casey Blake were playing first rather than Thames, maybe, just maybe, the streak would still be intact.  Maybe not. 

As it is, the streak is over.  Greer is putting the ball into play.  He gets it out deep.  Havlicek steals it. Over to Sam Jones.  Havlicek stole the ball!  It’s all over!  Johnny Havlicek stole the ball.  Over at 147.  A record for major league second basemen.  So lets it hear it for Placido.  Let’s hear it for the guy who set the record for the most consecutive chances without an error by a second basemen.  Lets hear it for the guy who set the record for the most consecutive errorless games by a second baseman.  Let’s hear it for the MVP of the 2006 ALCS.  Like my man John Lennon always says:  All you need is glove.  Glove is all you need.

Public Acknowledgements:  Brian Hyland, The Clash, Jed Clampett, Heavy D & the Boys, Billy Ocean, Johnny Most and The Beatles

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

UPDATE: SAT. Night. 2:00am. Baseball Tonight. Polanco’s error. It wasn’t an error. Well, it was an error. It was Marcus Thames’ error. Not Placido Polanco’s error. Capiche? The streak continues. 148 and counting.

Yo back up now and give a brother room.  The fuse is lit and I’m about to go boom.  Boom!  Shake-shake-shake the room.  Tic-tic-tic-tic boom!  -Fresh Prince

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  The Boomer.  The shake the roomer.  Like Mazda, the zoom zoom zoomer.  Like Arnold, it’s not a tumor.  

Unable to obtain a proven starter, Dem Bums addressed their beleaguered pitching staff woes by reaching a tentative contract agreement with free agent David Wells.  Great move by the Dodgers.  Great move.  Why not take a flier out on this cat?  They ain’t out of it yet.  Just two and a half back in the Wild Card standings.  Hey, he may not be a world beater anymore.  He may have given up twenty-six runs in his final 16 2/3 innings with the Padres.  He may have ended up with a 5-8 record and a 5.54 ERA.  He may have done all that, but this guy can still find the strike zone. 

He’s a three-time All-Star who led the American League in wins in 2000.  No small feat.  He has 235 victories in a 21-year career.  Just one shy behind Whitey Ford for 12th all-time among left-handers.  But most importantly, most importantly, he pitches big in big games on the big stage. 

I’ve had enough, I’m getting out.  To the city, the big big city.  I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys.  Big time.  So much larger than life.  Larger than life in twenty-seven postseason games.  Larger than life winning an American League Championship Series MVP Award.  Larger than life with World Series rings from both the New York Yankees and the Toronto Blue Jays.  He’s been there.  He’s done that.  He can do it again.  And know this sports fans.  He’s coming cheap.  Very cheap.  The Dodgers are required to pay only $80,000 of the $1 million left on his guaranteed contract, with the Padres picking up the rest.  What a bargain!  Nobody beats the Wiz!  Especially when you consider Jason Schmidt, who made just six starts, hasn’t pitched in more than two months and left-hander Randy Wolf has been out since the first week of July. 

The Dodgers have trotted Brett Tomko out to the mound.  The Dodgers have trotted Mark Hendrickson out to the mound.   The Dodgers have trotted rookie Eric Stults out to the mound.  They even trotted left-hander Hong-Chih Kuo out there before he went down with elbow surgery.  Why not trot out the Boomer.  Why not trot out a guy with a perfect game under his belt.  With a skull rattling hangover, yet.  Why not trot out a strike throwing machine.  Why not trot out a money pitcher who’s the most money in the moniest of games.  You’re so money and you don’t even know it!  You know what you are?  You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs.  Why not send out this big bear with claws and fangs.  Why not try and win a pennant?

Public Acknowledgements:  LA Times, Kindergarten Cop, Peter Gabriel, Seinfeld and Swingers

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is a knowledge of our own ignorance.  -Ben Franklin

Public Knowledge:

1.  Michael Vick.  The man broke the law.  The man got caught.  Period.  I hear the excuses.  There are no excuses.  Like my man Tony Baretta always says:  Don’t go to bed, with no price on your head.  No, no, don’t do it.  Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.  Yeah, don’t do it.  And keep your eye on the sparrow.  When the going gets narrow. Don’t do it, don’t do it. 

2.  What a beating.  30-3!  My goodness!  Ramon Vazquez had two bombs.  Travis Metcalf and Marlon Byrd both hit grand slams.  Garret Anderson who?  Know this if you don’t already:  The Baltimore Ravens, who play just across the way from the Orioles, haven’t allowed 30 points since Week 12 in 2005.  Ha ha ha!  But don’t worry.  That will change.  The Patriots now have Adalius Thomas.  Not Baltimore.  The Rangers are the first team with four players (Metcalf, Byrd, Saltalamacchia, Vazquez) with four RBIs since the Fighting Phillies did it in 1979.  The Phillies did it in 1979 with Pete Rose, Garry Maddox, Mike Schmidt and Bob Boone.  Which four would you rather have?  Texas manager Ron Washington:  I knew we’d get the bats going, but I never expected anything like this. When the faucet is on, you want it to stay on.  You never want to cut it off.  Just embarrassing.

3.  It was fun while it lasted.  Brandon Webb’s scoreless innings streak ended at forty-two.  Maybe so, but the right-hander with the hellacious sinker still won his sixth consecutive start.  He may have ended 17 innings shy of Orel Hershiser’s record, but Webb only gave up two runs in seven innings to win his 14th game of the year.  It just goes shows to go ya how utterly dominant Orel was during his run.  In that year, 1988, the Bulldog earned his nickname.  He put together one of the best single seasons in pitching ever.  Orel led the league in wins.  Orel led the league in innings.  Orel led the league in complete games.  Led the league in complete games with fifteen.  Fifteen!  Yowza!  He finished the season with the record fifty-nine consecutive scoreless innings.  Broke Dodger Dandy Don Drysdale’s mark.  He also won his first Gold Glove.  He was unanimously selected as the Cy Young Award winner.  He finished with a record of 23-8 and a 2.26 ERA.  Now that’s a year.  It was a very good year.  It was a very good year for city girls who lived up the stair with all that perfumed hair.

4.  Gary Sheffield will be out of the Detroit Tigers’ lineup for a while because of a sore right shoulder that has bothered him for more than a month.  That’s not good news for anybody.  Except Yankees fans.

5.  Major League ERA leader Chris Young returned to San Diego to get his ailing back examined.  Pennant chasing Padres aren’t sure when he will pitch again.  That’s not good news for anybody.  Except Diamondbacks fans.  Chris Young  is 9-4 with a 2.12 ERA in 23 starts.  Opponents are hitting a paltry .184 against him, also the best mark in the Majors.  This one hurts.

6.  Remember Spree?  The San Francisco Strangler?  Remember three years ago he rejected a $21 million contract offer?  Remember he called it insulting.  Remember he said had a family to feed.  I thought you said are you all right, Spider.  Well maybe he should have tooken it.  I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire.  I own a mansion and a yacht.  Not anymore you don’t.  Spree just had his 70-foot, $1.5 million, Italian-built yacht garnisheed; and nobody like to have their yachts garnisheed.  Just ask Fletch.

7.  D-Nice just can’t seem to beat the Rays.  All three of the Rays’ wins in twelve games against the Sox this season have come against Matsuzaka.  Matsuzaka Matsuzaka Matsuzaka.  The new king of old Fenway Pahka.  This season the Rays haven’t beaten any other pitcher more than once.  I don’t get it.  It’s not like the cat is pitching badly.  In two starts at Tropicana Field, Matsuzaka has allowed just four runs in 12 1/3 innings, but he lost both.  Last night he threw one bad pitch.  One.  A bomb to BJ Upton.  The man only allowed just two hits over six innings.  They just seem to have his number.  Ba ba ba ba baby.  Don’t forget my number.  Baby don’t be stronger than a thunder.  Ba ba ba ba baby.  Don’t forget my number.  Roll Sox roll!

8.  Poor poor Bullwinkle.  Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!  Again?  But that trick never works.  Sure hasn’t been working lately.  Mussina.  Last two games.  Two losses.  6-2/3 innings.  17.55 ERA.  Ha ha ha!  Does this dude even make the playoff roster?  Is Kei Igawa that bad?  Bullwinkle’s posse don’t come quick, because his posse lost velocity.  And without velocity you ain’t got squat.  My gal is red hot, your gal ain’t doodely squat.  At this point in time, Mussina ain’t got doodely squat.  Mussina is 2-4 with a 6.65 ERA in eight starts against teams that had winning records.  Against teams that were below .500, he is 6-5 with a 4.34 ERA.  Now that’s saying something.

9.  Thank you sir, may I have another?  The Astros fan whose marriage proposal was Heismanned in front of 30,000 fans actually struck out twice the other night.  We all know he didn’t get the girl.  But did you know he still had to pay the $300 tab for putting the proposal on the Jumbotron?  So sad. 

10.  Yup, Yankees still suck.  Sucking since 1901.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell.  -Anita Ward

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is.  What a relief Jonathan Papelbon is.  Best closer in baseball.  Wild Thing, you make my heart sing. Made our hearts sing last night. 

Last night, he pitched a perfect 1 1/3 innings.  I know it sounds crazy but it fits perfect.  Peter perfect pimped a perfect Peter.  Honey dripper, sucker sipper, big dipper, sucker dipper.  Drippin’ suckers like it’s goin’ out-a-style.  Creatin’ flavors for da Flavor Flav pile.  Lampin’ booyee madina style. 

Papelbon’s been lampin’ medina style.  Struck out three.  Struck out three for his thirtieth save in thirty-two opportunities.  Holy cow!  He became the first Red Sox pitcher to have at least thirty saves in two different seasons.  Stanley Steamer didn’t do it.  Big Lee Smith didn’t do it.  Jeff Reardon didn’t do it.  Soup Campbell didn’t do it.  Monster Dick Radatz didn’t do it.  Heathcliff Slocumb certainly didn’t do it.  Eck may have won twenty games in a Red Sox uniform, but he never did it.  Never got a dinner.  Red Buttons style.  Papelbon did.  He did it back to back.  He is the best closer in baseball.  Sounded so nice, I said it twice.

Mariano may be the anointed one, but folks have been stepping all over his cape lately.  Yankees fans are screaming for Joba.  Bobby Jenks just saw his record-tying stretch of forty-one straight batters retired come to an end but he plays on a terrible team.  Not the same.  The games don’t matter.  When Trevor Hoffman is done pitching, he’ll be honored in Cooperstown.  Hell’s Bells!  But Hoff coughed up another save last night.  Maybe JJ Putz.  Maybe.  But has anyone outside of the Pacific Northwest seen this cat pitch?  For my money, I’ll take Jonathan Papelbon. 

I’ll take Pap and his new pitch.  His new pitch, the slutter.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  This pitch is a kick your butter.  Half fastball, half slider, all amazing.  Papelbon’s been amazing.  Throwing his blazing fastball along with the slutter, he’s been nothing short of dominant.  Papelbon became just the fourth pitcher in Major League history to save thirty games in his first two full seasons.   Mayor Billy Koch did it in his first four years.  Kaz Sasaki and Todd Worrell did it in their first three years.  Pap’s better. 

Last night, he took the mound with two outs in the eighth.  Took the mound with two outs in the eighth in an 8-6 ballgame.  Two outs in the eighth in an 8-6 ballgame and a runner at first.  Johnny Gomes up.  Slutter.  Punchado.  End of inning.  Papelbon went in for the ninth, fifteen pitches, eleven Ks.  Another notch in his belt.  And here in the bar, the piano man’s found another nail for my heart.  The Red Sox gain another game in the standings and as long as Mr. Papelbon is around to close out baseball games, you can count on a few more.  Roll Sox, roll!

PS:  Anaheim on a cool summer night.  Garrett Anderson ten RBIs.  Mike Mussina seven earned runs in 1.2 innings.  A-Broad two more dings that did not matter.  Theeeeeee Yankees lose…priceless.

Public Acknowledgements:  Boston Globe, Throggs, Public Enemy, Squeeze and Trip.

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!