If You. If You. Wanna Know. Wanna Know. The real deal about the three. Well let me tell you, we’re triple trouble ya’ll. We’re gonna bring you up to speed. -Beastie Boys
OK, here we go! Has there ever been a more dour time in this Wide World of Sports? Has the agony of defeat ever been more agonizing? The Unholy Trinity of Barry Bonds, Tim Donaghy and Michael Vick have, as Commissioner David Stern put it, rocked our little safe haven to its very core. Sports have always been our escape. Our escape from reality. But these three may have ruined that. Back to life, back to reality. Back to the here and now.
I cannot recall a lower point in professional sports in all my life. Sure there have been scandals before. Charlie Hustle out there hustling. Superstars Alex Karras and Paul Hornung betting on football. Baseball strikes. Football scabs. Hockey lockouts. They all seemed to threaten the sanctuary of sport. But this just seems worse. Maybe because its all happening at once. Maybe because these crimes all seem so heinous in comparison. Maybe because of all the non-stop sports coverage we are fed ad-nauseum. I don’t know. But times sure seem really tough right now. Ram tough. Just cut the stuff, til you get enough. ‘Cause we’re rougher than tougher and rougher than tough!
- Barry Bonds. The greatest hitter we have ever seen. Cheating his way to his the most hallowed of records. Making himself impossible to embrace. Actually creating great apathy while chasing the greatest of milestones there is.
- Michael Vick. Maybe the greatest rushing quarterback we have ever seen. The only quarterback in NFL history to rush for over 1,000 yards during the regular season. Committing atrocity after atrocity against man’s best friend. Essentially running an organized crime ring that profited off of such atrocities.
- Tim Donaghy, perhaps the worst perpetrator of all. Undoing what little trust was left in the NBA. A league official fixing basketball games is a violation that will take years to repair. A violation that will forever cast a shadow of doubt over the hardwoods.
Jon Lester completed his triumphant battle over cancer the other night. The Yankees are finally making a run at this thing. An Irishman just won the British Open. Pitchers like Tom Glavine, Roger Clemens and Greg Maddux are throwing well into their forties in games that matter. My Red Sox are in first place. My Patriots just signed Randy Moss and Adalius Thomas. My Celtics just signed Jesus Shuttleworth. Unfortunately, none of these feel good stories can break through the muck and mire the Unholy Trinity has created.
I hope they’re happy. I hope their selfish acts for money, fame and fun were worth it. It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. I hope you had the time of your life. Good riddance. Good riddance Barry. I cannot wait until your steroid ridden body finally breaks down for the last time. Good riddance Michael Vick. I cannot wait for justice to be served and you are behind bars where you belong. Good riddance Tim Donaghy. I cannot wait for you to get your just desserts. For you to be punished for your sins against the great sport of basketball. Good riddance to all three of you. Now, how bout them Sox?
Public Acknowledgements: Jim McKay, Soul II Soul, Dodge, Run DMC and Green Day
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
Need More? Barry Bonds,Michael Vick,Tim Donaghy
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In the spirit of getting away from the major sports, I watched some professional beach volleyball on TV this weekend and it really worked out for me. No cheating. No animal abuse. Just fun in the sun. Volleyball ball doesn’t have “regular season games,” they just have tournaments. So every weekend is like the Superbowl, only better. There’s never any snow or rain and everyone is wearing a swimsuit (players AND fans). Sure, we may see the occassional man-boob in the crowd, but such sights are far less frequent than they are on Any Given Sunday.
In conclusion, if you want to sit through a few more Buffalo winters, be my guest. I’m leaving the major sports arena. I’m following Misty May and Phil Dalhausser to the promised land.