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Well Shiver Me Timbers: It’s The Pittsburgh Pirates

By: josh q. public on: Friday, April 6, 2007 @3:51 pm

Well Shiver Me Timbers:  It’s The Pittsburgh PiratesPirate love Is what I’m looking for.  Pirate love is what I’m wanting for.  I never ever needed it so bad.  Yeah!  -The New York Dolls

Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go!  Lookie, lookie what we got here. Arrrghh. Their pistols are loaded.  They shot Betty Crocker.  Delivered the Houston Astros down to Davey Jones’ locker.  The Pittsburgh Pirates.  The Undefeated Pittsburgh Pirates.  The 3-0 Pittsburgh Pirates.  Who woulda thunk it?  Are they in it for the long haul?  With a way, hey, blow the man down.  Only time will tell.  But they’re doing some things.  Playing like kings.  Got the world on some strings.  Sittin’ on some rainbows.         

In their first two games of the season, the Pirates bullpen saved the day.  Here they come to save the day.  Pirate arms are on their way.  For two days in a row, the Pirates won in Houston, in games where they trailed going into the eighth inning.  Understand this, in the 132-year history of Major League Baseball, this marks only the second time that a team has started a season with a pair of road wins in which it trailed going into the eighth inning.  The other team?  The 1994 Phillies.  The Lenny Dykstra Phillies.  The Darren Daulton Phillies.  The Dave Hollins Phillies.  Twice in 134 years.  Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

More powerful than a locomotive.  Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  Somebody save me.  I don’t care how you do it.  Just save, save.  Come on, I’ve been waiting for you.  Salomon Torres.  Salomon Torres notching a save in each game.  Salomon Torres becoming only the second pitcher in Major League history to save each of his team’s first three games of a season.  The first?  Derrick Turnbow.  Last year.  Only the second in history.  Hit’em on the head with a broken hammer.  Early in the morning!

3-0.  Last year, 0-3.  Actually 0-6, but who’s counting?  Turning things around.  Gaining some ground.   More help from the mound.  More help from Ian Snell.  Six innings.  Eleven Ks.  Put him into bed with the captain’s daughter.  Early in the morning!  More help from Matt Capps.  Three games.  One win.  No runs.  Slap him around and call him Suzie.  Early in the morning!

Solid starts from Zach Duke and Tom Gorzelanny.  Quality starts.  Spray them with whiskey and light’em on fire.  Early in the morning!  They’ve been flashing the leather too.  Might as well face it, they’re addicted to glove.  If you’ve been watching Baseball Tonight.  If you’ve been watching Web Gems.  You’ve seen it.  All over your TV screen it.  Slick as Afro Sheen it.  Three double plays in the opener.  Get the papers, get the papers, get the papers.  And, they’re doing the hardest thing to do…hit a baseball.  Jose Bautista’s hitting the baseball.  Drove in three runs to lead the Pirates to victory.  Put him in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him.  Early in the morning! 

Xavier Nady’s hitting the baseball.  Two bombs already this year.  Your puny ballparks are too small to contain his gargantuan blasts!  Bring him the finest meats and cheeses for a clubhouse feast!  Shave his belly with a rusty razor.  Early in the morning!  Jason Bay and Jack Wilson are hitting the basball too.  Swinging the bat and saying thank you.  Bidding that old baseball adieu.  With Freddie Why Can’t We Get Guys Like Him Sanchez due back any minute now, this is a team to be reckoned with.  So be very careful NL Central.  Because mutiny on the bounty’s what they’re all about.  They’re gonna board your ship and turn it on out!

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

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