Saving Soccer: David Beckham – I Don’t Think So

We shall not we shall not be moved; just like a team that’s going to win the football league again; we shall not be moved! -Manchester United Fight Song

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Here comes the king, here comes the big number one.  Bending it soon in a soccer stadium near you.  Becks, DB7, Golden Balls.  The Soccer Messiah.  David Beckham.  I’m not biting.  Haven’t we heard this before?  Didn’t this “Once in a Lifetime” event already take place?  I could have sworn Pele, Franz Beckenbauer, Carlos Alberto, Giorgio Chinaglia and the Cosmos already saved soccer.  They already saved the North American Soccer League.  The now defunct North American Soccer League.  Soccer needs saving again?  I though little Freddy Adu already saved soccer?  Freddy Adu, the youngest professional athlete in modern American team sports history.  Too little, too late.  Jojo style.  The Cosmos couldn’t do it.  Freddy Adon’t didn’t do it.  Bend It won’t do it.        

Bend It can’t save soccer, because it’s not worth saving.  I’ve written this before, I’m going to write it again.   Let me start this rant to combat all those who say “Soccer is the most popular sport in the world.”  So what?  Big Macs are more popular than lobster.  Which one are you going to eat?  The Nielson Ratings had American Idol on top.  See where I’m going with this?  So that argument is bupkus.  And not for nothing, that’s the only justification soccer apologists can come up with. 

They never talk about the excitement.  How could they?  Where are the bone crushing hits? Where are the three sixty slam bam thank you ma’am jams? Where is the ever loving long ball? What the Brazilians see as the “beautiful game” is painfully dull and boring.  Where’s the intensity?  Where’s the action?    Duller than golf.  Duller than molasses races.  I can’t bear to watch these guys running up and down field, time and time again. Nothing happening, time and time again. Dullsville baby, dullsville.  The chances of scoring are infintesimal.  Nil-nil?  Gross.  We like scoring.  We like scoring a lot.  We like a lot of scoring. We like Michael Jordan.  We like LaDainian Tomlinson.  That’s how we measure sport.  Who scores the most? 

Some may say, soccer players run 4 miles a game.  Great.  Good for them.  That means they’re running less than 3 miles an hour.  My fat Aunt Tilly runs faster.  55% of soccer games end in a tie.  Keep making out with your sisters.  See if I care.  And to break these ties ? Penalty kicks.  You’ve got to be joking, right?  A penalty kick?  You are determining a winner by an artificial action that has absolutely no bearing on the regular game.  At least hockey has the good sense to abolish this inane practice during the playoffs. 

Do I need to go on?  Yes, I do.  Every highlight I happen to catch by accident on ESPN shows someone almost scoring a goal.  Almost.  That’s what happens in these games, a lot of almosts.  It’s almost a sport.  I’m not a big fan of the feet thing either.  It makes no sense.  Unless you’re name is Christy Brown, use your hands for goodness sakes.  I’m not saying what those cats do with their feet and their heads isn’t remarkable.  Juggling four chain saws is pretty gosh darn remarkable too, I’m just saying.   

Oh there’s more.  The off-sides rule?  Stupid.  How can you not let attacking players stand any closer to the opposing goal than the other team’s last defender.  It’s like you don’t want to score goals.  It’s like you don’t enjoy fun.  It’s like you want the sport to be as dull as possible.  Attack I say.  Score goals I say.  People complain about the fans at basketball games. 

What about soccer fans?  Mob mentality.  Hooliganism at its best.  No brains of their own.  As soon as the World Cup comes around, jackbooted fans everywhere, wrap themselves around their flag and commence to destroy everything in sight.  Brilliant.  David Beckham cannot save soccer because it doesn’t deserve saving.  There, I said it.  Happy now?     

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

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