If Athletes Were Heroes

I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything.  -REM

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  I know the Round Mound said athletes aren’t role models, but he never said anything about being heroes. I had to do this one.  I had to pay homage to my new favorite TV show not called Dexter.  I did this once with Deadwood, and both my readers seemed to enjoy it.  So without further adieu:  If Athletes Were Heroes:                        

1.  Hiro Nakamura:  Able to bend space and time.  Has to be The Great One.  Wayne Gretzky.   How else can you explain what this guy’s done did?  Again and again and again.  He must have stopped the old clock.  I mean how’s this little dude skating by, around and through folks.  Just deeking dudes like they were  Brian Urlacher.  His name is in the record books 61 times.  61 times.  No one could stop him.  Ever.  Like they were standing still.  Like they were stopped in time.

2.  Claire Bennet:  The cutest little cheerleader you ever did see.  Chompers is in love.  Is that wrong?  Claire Bear has the ability to regenerate.  Any wound, any injury, she recuperates.  Has to be Ted Stroehmann’s boy Brett Favre. Takes a licking and just keeps on ticking.  The Packers starting QB since 1992.  Has not missed one game.  Not one, I tell you. Holds the NFL quarterback record for consecutive starts with 232 (252 total starts including playoffs).  Yowza!  Makes Cal look like a slacker.  I mean football’s a man’s game.  Takes a hero to start 252 straight games at QB.  Or a lot of pain killers.  But who am I to judge?

3.  Sylar:  Sylar has the ability to do it all.  You guessed it.  Vincent Edward Jackson.  Huh?  Who?  Bo knows heroes.  That’s who.  All-Star in football.  All-Star in baseball.  The best Tecmo player ever created.  Is there nothing this cat couldn’t do?  Homerun in the MLB All-Star game.  The only football player with two touchdown runs over 90 yards.  Bo Jackson was the most electric athlete I ever saw.

4.  Nathan Petrelli:  Flyboy.  Who else?  His Airness.  Michael Jeffery Jordan.  Need I say more?  I thought not.

5.  Peter Petrelli:  The leech.  Will style.  Sucking powers off of those around him.  MJ’s boy.  Scottie Pippen.  He only had powers when Jump Man was near.  His powerless appearances in Houston and Portland proved as much.

6.  Niki Sanders:  And her baaaad alter ego Jessica.  One minute she’s Peaches and Herb; the next she’s Hyde and Hyde.  Michael Barrett.  One second he’s your boy next-door, mild mannered catcher.  The next, boom goes the dynamite!  I didn’t have the ball bitch!

7.  Nuclear Ted:  He’s radioactive.  The Firm style.  Super duper power.  Has no idea how to control it.  Leaving body bag after body bag in his wake.  Michael Tyson.  The original Dynamite Kid.  If that cat could have contained his super power, he would have been the Heavyweight Champion of the World for a very long time.  He could not.  He became a pariah.  Much like our boy Nuclear Ted.

8.  The Haitian:  You know, that mysterious bald dude who has the ability to wipe peoples’ memory.  Pedro Martinez.  Everybody just seemed to forget about his change-up.  How do you explain that?  Mugs just kept swinging like he didn’t have one.  Like the cheese was coming.  Like they forgot.

9.  Eden McCain:  The shorthaired pixie girl.  She has the power of suggestion.  Only in America baby.  Only in America.  Don King.  I don’t know how he does it.  He convinces mugs everywhere he’s not a criminal.  He is you know.  A stone cold killer.  Two times over.  A thief.  A liar.  A cheat.  But he has us all convinced he’s not.  Has convinced investors he’s not.  Has convinced a whole stable of boxers he’s not.  Has convinced Howard Stern and Jimmy Kimmel he’s not.  Only in America.

10.  Matt Parkman.  The mind reading cop.  Did you think this guy wasn’t making it?  C’mon.  Larry Legend.  He knew what you were going to do before you did it.  Every single time.  He knew what you were going to do, and he exploited you.  Made you feel all broke like.

11.  Isaac Mendez:  The kooky artist who paints the future.  But only when he’s all hepped on smack.  Easy, right?  No brainer, right?  Dock Ellis, right?  The only time he was any good, he was all hepped up on LSD.  Pitched a no-hitter on acid.  Dock:  “The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t.  Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him.  I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive.  I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.” A true visionary.

Public Knowledge:

1.  I just heard Tiki on PTI. Says Eli has to play better.  Maybe he does.  But still.  Just shut your mouth Tiki.  Stop throwing everybody under bus.  You’re outta here.  What do you care?  This kid, who by the way, is the only one around there showing any modicum of class, this kid is gonna be here for a while.  So do everybody a favor Tiki, and just be quiet.

2.  How does Zeke not bench Big Nate after that eeediotic move the other night?  How?  Somebody please tell me.

3.  Must….play…..Halo.  DeKalb police say University of Wisconsin sophomore cornerback Jack Ikegwuonu and his brother Bill were arrested Saturday.  Authorities say the brothers broke into an apartment and tried to steal an Xbox.  Dummies.

4.  Watched my first game on the NFL Channel.  Is it me or are Bryant Gumble and Chris Collingsworth just head and shoulders above everybody else doing football?  Head and shoulders.  I like Paul Maguire too, but these cats know their stuff, boy.

5.  My boy, Phil the Thrill Kessel. The rook scored on Boston’s seventh shootout attempt.  Giving those juggernaut Bruins a 4-3 win over Tampa last night.  Look out.  Here come them Bruins.

6.  Watching the Colbert Report last night.  Lupika’s on.  They start talking about Mark McGwire not getting in the Hall.  Colbert asks:  “Is it because his head is too big to fit on the plaque.”  Brilliant.  I wish I thought of that first.

7. I guess Kobe’s knee is better. 52 last night. Beat the hell out of the Jazz. Jazz are quickly falling back to earth. Space Shuttle style.

Sorry.  That’s it for today folks.  Sorry to cut it short, but I’m heading up to Boston for a wedding.  My buddy Jack is tying the old knot.  The last one of the crew to do it.  It’s about time.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

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