Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans? Happy day, oh happy day. Screw ‘em. Screw ‘em all! From Buster Olney to Greg Dovel to Tom Verducci to bitter, sour grape eatin’ Yankee fans everywhere. We got him! We really got him! I don’t care how much money we spent. Like my main man the Hit Dog, Mo Vaughn, always says: “It’s not about the money.” No it’s not. It’s about winning ballgames. And last I checked, pitching wins ball games. See Chris Carpenter and the St. Louis Cardinals. See the entire White Sox staff. See Curt Schilling and the Boston Red Sox. You’re only as good as your next starter and all that. Well our next starter is Daisuke Matsuzaka. Make sure you spell it right.
The Gem of Japanese Baseball. The Heaven Sent Child of Koshien. I have my new favorite baseball player and he goes by the name of D-Mat. Gy-ro-mite! JJ Evans style. Let me be the first American member of Generation Matsuzaka. I can’t wait to go down to Twins and get my brand spankin’ new #18 Red Sox jersey. Barry Zito? Who needs him? Jason Schmidt? You can have him. I want this guy right here.
He’s got Jeff Ruland/Rick Mahorn stuff. You remember. McFilthy and McNasty. Johnny Most style. His fastball topped out over 100mph at the Athens Olympics. He’s not afraid to throw that cheese inside either. I’m looking at you A-Broad. The best slider in baseball today. A knee buckling, mind bending, world beating pitch sure to amaze and mystify. Put those pitches together with a Peteylike change and the demon gyroball, you get half man half incredible.
We needed a guy with experience and stamina. Well, that’s what we got. His talent and work ethic are unmatched. From Sawamura Award to Cy Young Award, D-Mat will deliver. ”I’ve watched him on video,” said Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, “and with his stuff, he could win 25 games in our league.” You hear that sports fans? Huh, did you? And don’t you dare make those stupid Fat Pussy Toad comparisons. That guy was nowhere near D-Mat. Couldn’t touch him with a ten foot chop stick.
Our guy dominated in Japan and he dominated in the World Baseball Classic. He’s going to dominate in The Show, don’t you worry. So do me a favor, wouldya, wake the damn Bambino so D-Mat can drill him in the ass.
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!
PS: I know I have a moratorium on Pats talk and all but, Vinny Testaverde? I’m irate all over again. 1st, a loss to the Jets. Now freakin Vinny Testaverde. I think I’m gonna be sick.
Need More? Boston Red Sox,Daisuke Matsuzaka,MLB
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Ruland and Mahorn were referred to as the “Bruise Bros.”
ya, johnny most called them mcfilthy and mcnasty, c’mon man
this is great news. now boston cant live the little lie that the evil empire just spends and spends and spends and the poor little red sox cant keep up. careful what you wish for boys.
elsewhere, elektra, the two year old filly owned by myself and grimace, has been sidelined with a skin fungus. she better get to student health and get that cleared up. she still debuts in december.
ewwwww, skin fungus
listen, I hate the yankees as much as the next guy, but I’ve never complained about the money. Them’s the rules. You do what you can to win. If that means spending a bundle, so be it. If you can’t compete, maybe you shouldn’t own a team. Just win baby!
fair enuff. you never did complain about steinbrenner and his $$$$$ but the media did.
almost time for you to do another Isaiah pice. and maybe one backing up Bobby Knight.
if it weren’t for D-mat, today would have been bobby knight day. Isiah’s day is coming too. its always a load of fun bashing that cat. shame too. when I first moved here, I convinced myself I could like the Knicks. then they bring him on board and that all went down the tubes.
the real bruise brothers were oakley and mason. the real bald brothers were myself and grimace. the real bald sisters were…………….
sinead o’conner and i can’t think of another. Wendy O?
$50 Million just “to talk”. Sounds like the stripper I had on my lap at “10′s” last thursday.