Josh Q. Public: I’ve got more action than my man John Woo, and I’ve got mad hits like I was Rod Carew. -Beastie Boys

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  All right?  Satisfied?  Was there ever any doubt?  Was there?  If there was, it was quickly erased.  Very quickly.  Five minutes quickly.  Seven plays quickly.  Six for six, 94 yards quickly.  That’s all it took.  That’s all it took for the whole country to get it.  For the whole country to understand what the hell I’ve been talking about around here.  Do you get it now?  Finally?  The Vikings do.  The Patriots just tore them up.  Hand Banana style.  That first drive was important and all.  A real attention grabber.  A statement maker.  But it wasn’t the story of the game.  You wanna know what was?  You know you do.  It was Minnesota’s second possession.  Their defense just picked my boy, Brady.  It made ‘em feel all strong and junk.  Like they were gonna do something.  They tried. 3rd and 8.  Roosevelt Colvin III.  Roosevelt Colvin III had the sack.  Roosevelt Colvin III had Brad Johnson in his hot little hands.  Roosevelt Colvin III couldn’t hold on.  Complete pass.  Eight yard gain.  First down.  Back breaker, right?   Wrong.  Back bender.  This is the bend don’t break New England Patriot Defense.  This drive is indicative of what they’ve been doing all along.  Bend don’t break.  Don’t believe me?  Check it, check it out.  Going into this game, the Patriots ranked 13th in yards allowed.  But here’s the rub.  They ranked fourth in points allowed.  See where I’m going with this?  Bend don’t break baby, bend don’t break.  The Vikings get down to the six.  Interception.  The Dirtiest Player in Football.  Ball game.  Oh, how the tide has turned.  The Vikings never recovered.  Ball game.  It sounded so nice, I said it twice.  So I guess the cat’s out of the bag.  The jig is up.  The Patriots are good.  Who woulda thunk?  Bring on the Colts.  Bring on da Bears.  Bring on the rings.

Public Notices:  Just some stuff from watching the game.

1.  Doesn’t Brad Childress look like Ned Flanders.  Think he got his headset at the Leftorium?  Right next to the Tommy Hillclimber?  I’ll tell you this, he absitvely, posolutely got his ass spanked last night.  They don’t call it the New England Spankological Protocol for nothing.

2.  I wish after Chad Jackson crawled into the end-zone, Belichick lit a victory cigar.  Red Auerbach style.  That’s what I wish.  What a tribute that would have been.  A tribute, I say.

3.  The Human Bobble Head Derby:  First of all, is that a rip off of these pages right here?  It just might be.  I’ll talk to my lawyers, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz and Rabinowitz, and I’ll get back to you.  What could the NFL have possibly been thinking?  I can’t believe they let the Mike Tirico bobble get so close to the Vikings Cheerleaders.  Very dangerous.  Not for nothing, how does he still have a job, on Monday Night Football yet, and Harold loses his?  Jason Jackson style. 

4.  Red Auerbach: ” Individual honors are nice, but no Celtic has ever gone out of his way to achieve them… Our pride was never rooted in statistics.”  Who does that sound like?  Um, I dunno, the Patriots?

Public Knowledge:

1.  Breaking news.  This just in.  Curtis Martin done for the year.  Career may be over. 

2.  The Celtics will wear a black clover leaf on their uniforms to tribute Red.  You know what would be a bigger tribute?  Try winning.  Huh?  Have you thought about that?  Huh?  Well, have you?  Black Clover?  Is that near the Purple Shamrock?  Just asking.

3.   You know the guy they picked up in relation to Trevor Berbick’s untimely demise?  They just picked his moms.  Yup.  Earlier this year, Berbick was charged with assault for punching her.  Dribs and drabs this story’s coming in.  Dribs and drabs.

4.  Tom Terrific.  Brady threw for 257 yards in the first half, a career high and the most this season in the NFL.  Yowza!  Peyton who?

5.  Here’s a fun little tidbit for y’all.  NBA opening day rosters were set on Monday.   Connecticut is the college with the most players in the league with 14.  Duke with 13.  North Carolina with 12.  Arizona with 10 and UCLA with 10.  That was fun, wasn’t it?

6.  LeBronze James wins the MVP this year.  Mark my words.  Mark them, I say!  I want to say they go to the Finals.  I dunno know if I’m ready to make that leap.  The Cavs still need a solid number two guy.  They don’t have that yet.

7.  You oughta be in pictures.  You’re wonderful to see.  You oughta be in pictures.  Oh what a hit you would be!  Little Jack Little style.  Mr. Hockey.  Gordie Howe.  New movie.  All about his 1973-74 WHA season.  It’s actually a great story.  You know it.  Bad wrist.  Retires from hockey.  Two years later he signs with the Houston Aeros of the WHA.  Plays with his sons.  Wins two titles in a row.  Wins the MVP.  His son wins Rookie of the Year.  Mark Howe:  “Dad’s mind-set on the ice was different than most anybody else I’ve ever met.  He can be cruel.  I’ve seen him be vicious.  I’ve seen him hurt people and I used to think, ‘Wow, it’s like he meant to do it.‘”

8.  The new phone book’s here! The new phone book’s here!  I’m somebody now!  This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need.  I’m in print!  Things are going to start happening to me now.  The Jerk style.  Well the reviews are in.  One of ‘em anyway.  And I’m a hit.  What?  You don’t believe me?  See for yourself.  Then we’ll see what’s what.  SportsBlogging.net

9.  Remember the Super Bowl Shuffle?  Well now for something completely different.  Monty Python style.  The Isiah Shuffle.  Remember when Isiah guaranteed the Knicks would go to the play-offs.  Well now for something completely different.  This time he says he “sure as hell hopes” they have a shot.  When is James Dolan ever gonna see this guy doesn’t have a clue.  Oh ya, neither does James.

10.  NBA action.  Basketball kicks off tonight.  Fan-tastic and I love it!   Watch out for Net rookie Marcus Williams.  As the kids say, he’s a baller.  I wish I was a little bit taller.  I would be a baller.  I would have a girl who looks good, I would call her.  Skee Lo style.  I miss Antoine Walker.  I miss the Quake.  Sure he was a gunner.  He was a leader too.  We don’t have one now.  And that’s the Truth.

11.  Wake signs, but who is he going to throw to?  Mirabelli just filed for free agency.

12.  I wish Bob Ryan would write a weekly NBA column.  He’s the best there is.  It would put Vecsey’s Hoops Du Jour to shame.  Shame I tell you.  Denis Lemieux style.

13.  Uh oh!  Milf weed strikes again.  Belichick’s son busted.  I’m sure Bill will talk about it at length during his next press conference.

13.  Pity the Seahawk fan.  Shawn Alexander’s foot is still cracked.  Will not play Monday night.  Those guys are in truh-ble.

14.  Suppan to the Yankees?  Maybe.  They’re thinking about it.

15.  What do these guys have in common?  Jalen Rose, Penny Hardaway, Keith Van Horn, Nick Van Exel, Jimmy Jackson, Doug Christie, Tony Delk, Antonio Davis, Walter McCarty and Howard Eisley?  They’re all out of work.  Out of basketball.  Look at the upside.  At least now they can take their guns to town without Daddy Stern breathing down their necks.

16.  PS:  I watched the game with my buddies Red and Chompers last night.  I stole many of today’s jokes from them.  Especially the Simpsons stuff, and some others.  But like my main man Steven Wright always says:  “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”  And besides, it’s my damn blog.  Get your own.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q Public:  What’s right isn’t always popular. What’s popular isn’t always right.

Public Service Announcement: OK here we go!  Just some fun factoids I found while scouring Al Gore’s Internet.  Get you ready for some football.  Some Monday Night Football.  Make you look all Einsteiny.  Real smart around ye olde water cooler.  Impress your friends and junk.  Now, enjoy.  But don’t say I never gave you nothing.

Tom Brady:  I gotta start with my boy, don’t I?  Huh?  Don’t I?  Waddya wanna know?  You want to know what Tom’s record is?  That would be cool, right?  He’s 63-21.  Yowza!  That’s pretty, pretty good.  75%.  Suzie Kolber’s boyfriend, Broadway Joe Wiile Namath, doesn’t have as many wins as Mr. Terrific.  And that cat played 13 seasons.  That cat is in enshrined in Canton.  That cat’s career record is 62-63-4.  There I said it.  Tom Brady is better than the Original Bachelor.  Maybe if he wasn’t so busy wearing nylons and visiting Bobby Brady and stuff, he woulda got a couple more wins.  Let Noxema cream your face, so the razor won’t.  All right.  Enough about Joe, let’s get back to Tommy Boy.  85 straight starts.  Yup, 85 straight.  Ever since my favorite football player, Mo Lewis, took out Drew Baby.  No Mo, no Brady.  Get it?  85 straight.  That ties for 8th all time with former MVP, former Comeback Player of the Year, former Los Angeles Ram, former Philadelphia Eagle, former coach of the 0-10 WLAF Raleigh-Durham Skyhawks, Roman Gabriel.  No relation to Doug.  Wait, it gets better.  Since the Mo Lewis incident, no NFL quarter back has won more games than Brady.  Nobody.  Not your boy Peyton.  When he hasn’t been shilling DirecTV, ESPN, MasterCard, Reebok, Sprint, Sony, Bill Estes Automotive, Marsh, Gatorade, Rawlings or Chico’s Bail Bonds, he has won enough games to earn him second with 58.  Donovan, my fantasy QB who killed me yesterday, is third with 50.  Jake the Snake, 49.  Ted Stroehmann’s boy, Brett Favre has 48.  All right, I guess we’re done here.  We should probably do something Viking now.

Brad Johnson:  Brad Johnson’s old.  Not real old. I mean, I’m older than him.  But he’s old for a quarterback.  He’s 38.  That’s old for a football player.  That’s really old for an offensive player.  In fact, he is the oldest offensive player in the NFL.   Next in line is Ted Stroehmann’s boy again, Grampy Favre, 37.  If you don’t count kickers.  If you don’t count punters.  If you don’t count long snappers.  And quite frankly, Steven A. style, why should you?  If you don’t count them, the oldest players in the league are, Ted “Fatter Than Anybody You Know” Washington, Brad and not so Junior Seau.  And, not for nothing, if you we keep discounting those cats, tonight’s game will put Junior in the lead for games played among active players.  237.  But this isn’t about Seau, it’s about Brad.  He’s old.  All that talk about Brady’s 63 wins, I almost forgot to mention, Johnson has collected 69 wins himself.  6 more than Tom.  But don’t forget, he played about a million more seasons.  I know, not a million.  Brad Johnson came out of Florida State in 1992.  Played for the Vikings, Bucs, Redskins and now the Vikings again.  He’s got 7 years on Brady.  Not a bad little winning percentage though.  69-45.  61%.  It’s better than the spleenless kid’s father.  60%.  Better than Troy Aikman.  57%.  I don’t care.  He’s still losing tonight.

Here’s a cool one.  Josh McDaniels.  Patriots Offensive Coordinator.  30 years old.  I know a lot of age stuff today.  Hey, did you know that the Mailman was the oldest guy to make a triple double?  Yup, he was 40.  All right, where was I?  Mike Tomlin.  Vikings Defense Coordinator.  34 years old.  The youngest Offensive Coordinator in the league will be going up against the youngest Defensive Coordinator.  Not bad?  Right?

Running Backs:  If you don’t count Curtis Martin.  If you don’t count Marshall Faulk.  Corey Dillon has the most career rushing yards among active players.  10,757.  I wouldn’t count those guys.  They’re not going to play.   Over the last two seasons, Dillon hasn’t fumbled.  At all.  Not once.  Not to be outdone, Mr. 96 yards from scrimmage, Chester Taylor, has 158 touches this season.  He hasn’t fumbled once.  Not once.  That ties him for the lead for most touches without a fumble with Stephen Jackson.  No, not the getting hit by a car, gun shooting Stephen Jackson.  The other guy.  The guy that plays for the Rams because Marshall Faulk, is hurt, and if he weren’t hurt, Corey Dillon wouldn’t be the active career rushing leader.  That Stephen Jackson.

Public Knowledge: 

1.  Malkin. 5 goals in his first 5 games.  I hope he goes forever.  The last guy to get a goal in each of first five games?  Dmitri Kvartallnov.  Boston Bruins.  Another Russian.  It must be in the water over there.  I remember using him on the Sega Genesis.  #11.  Before Ulf ruined Cam’s career. 

2.  Who’s got him on fantasy?  What a day.  What  a  day!  LT explodes for 183 yards.  Another 3 TDs.  Yikes.  What’s he got?  11 TDs now?  It’s the sixth time in six seasons LT has hit double figures. The only other guys to do it?  Evgeni Malkin and  Dmitri Kvartallnov.  I’m kidding.  I kid.  Champion style.  It’s  Jim Brown and Emmitt Smith.  Those cats did it in their first seven seasons.  Jim Brown and Emmit huh?  Not bad company to be in.  Not as good as Janet and Chrissy.  But still, not bad company. 

3.  Tony Romo.  Every time I hear that name, I think of that Public Enemy song:  “And at home I got a call from Tony Rome.  The FBI was tapin’ my telephone.  I never live alone.  I never walk alone.  My posse’s always ready, and they’re waitn’ in my zone.”  Louder Than a Bomb style.  Every time.  All right.  Tony Romo.  His first start.  Rallied the Boys from 14-points down in the first.  Threw for 270 yards and a touchdown.  I didn’t think he was gonna come back.  I don’t think anybody did. 

4.  Eagles lose three in a row.  Lose to the Jaguars.  Good.  There’s too many loud mouthed Philly fans here in Hoboken anyway.  The only downside?  Like I said before, I have Donovan in fantasy.  He killed me yesterday.  Killed me.

5.  He ain’t jacked.  He ain’t pumped.  Pete Carroll and USC lose to the Beavers.  He he he, Beavers.  That’s good news for Louisville, Rutgers and West Virginia.  Still riding that undefeated bus.  Big East football.  Who woulda thunk?

6.  Air McNair.  The reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated.  Samuel Clemens style.  You can only hope to contain him.  By the time the Saints figured out how to do that, His Airness had already run for a touchdown and thrown for two more.  It didn’t hurt the Raven D got two picks.  Baltimore halts its losing streak.  Some of the shine is fading from those little golden shoes.  St. Reggie.  Only had 16 yards rushing on five carries.  Four catches for 5 yards.  He fumbled and threw an interception.  Sprained his ankle.  Not a good day.  Not a good day at all.

7.  Who dey?  Who dey?  Who dey think gonna beat them Bengals?  Ron Mexico, that’s who.  Michael Vick.  I’m a Vick hater.  But, he was the difference maker yesterday.  Put on quite a show for the nice people in Cincinnati.  Looked sharp.  Made some clutch running plays.  Threw three TD passes.   Was 20 of 28.  Threw for 291 yards.  Running the ball?  Left a plethora of Bengal defenders in his wake.  Three Amigos style.  55 yards.  Falcons win!  Falcons win! 

8.  Who killed Trevor?  I was gonna do a whole story on this yesterday, but then Red died and, well, you know.  But it looks like they caught guy who Lizzy Bordened Berbick to death.  I guess the 20 year old suspect was involved in a land dispute with the pugilist.  At 16, Berbick claims to have had a vision from God himself.  Berbick, Olympian.  Berbick, the last guy to fight Ali.  Berbick, the guy the Dynamite Kid, Mike Tyson, beat the holy hell out of to get his first title.  Berbick, the original Rocky.  A journeyman fighter who went fifteen heroic rounds with the Easton Assassin, Larry Holms.  Lands him a title shot.  Beats Pinklon Thomas.  Wins the belt.  Loses it to Iron Mike.  Dies in a church.

9.  Larry Johnson.  Showing the world why he was St. Reggie’s  number one fantasy pick.  155 yards and four touchdowns.  Yowza!  Making Herm look good.  Chiefs win in a barn burner.  Or as we like to say back home, a bahn burna.  Seneca is awful.  Two INTs.  Elizabeth’s brother-in-law can’t get back fast enough for Seahawk fans.

10.  Red.  Everybody talks about the Joe Barry Carroll for McHale and Chief deal.  It was good.  But how about getting DJ for Rick Robey?  DJ for Rick Robey?  Brilliant!  Guinness style.  Without that deal, the Celtics may not have won the two KC Jones Championships.  Without McHale’s foot, Bird’s back, Lenny then Reggie, they may have a won a bunch more.

11.  Da Giants look tough.  Real tough.  Ford tough.  Too bad the da Bears are in da NFC too.  Chicago’s 41-0 halftime lead was da second-biggest halftime lead in history. One point shy of da record.  Packers 49-7.  In front of Tampa.  On da frozen tundra at Lambeau Field.  1983.

12.  I can’t wait to write the story three weeks from now.  Pats win tonight.  Pats beat the Colts.  Pats beat da Bears.  Who’s your daddy?

13.  Free Vince Young.  We hear about St. Reggie.  We hear about Paris Hilton’s baby daddy boyfriend.  Heck we even hear about Laurence Maroney.  But what about Vince.  Yesterday, he runs for a touchdown.  Throws for another one.  The Titans win consecutive games for the first time since the end of the 2003 season.  Sure it was against the Texans, but still.  Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Titans number one!  Just doesn’t have the same ring.

14.  He’s baaack.  Everybody’s favorite wide receiver.  Jerry Porter.  One catch.  19 yards.  It’s worth it, right?

15.  More Titans talk.  Adam “Pacman” Jones issued a citation for misdemeanor assault charges after a Tennessee State student accused him of spitting in her face at a nightclub.  Bobby Alomar style.  Maybe she looked like Blinky.  But spitting in a girl’s face, honestly.

16.  Mr. Endorsement does it again.  Rips apart the Broncos.  With that win yesterday at Mile High, the Colts became the second team in NFL history to start consecutive seasons with seven straight wins. The Pack did it in three consecutive seasons from 1929 to 1931.

17.  World Series.  Lamest ever?  Discuss.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.

Public Service Announcement:  First I was going to write about Joe Niekro.  Knuckleballer.  Emery board.  Grew up on the same street with John Hondo Havlicek.  Taught Tim Wakefield everything he knew.  What’s not to like?  Then I was going to write about Trevor Burbick.  Wild story.  At the age of 16 saw God.  At the age of 51 dead in a church.  At the age of 29, with cross and bible in hand, busts into Don Kings hotel room.  Recites the 91st Psalm:  “The Lord is on your side…Only thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.”  At the age of 51, butchered, Lizzy Borden style.  Olympian.  World Champion.  Last man to fight Ali. 

Then this.  I didn’t see it coming.  Arnold Red Auerbach.  I’ve been singing his praises all week.  I’ve been singing about all his disciples coaching in the NBA.  I’ve been singing about his place in the fight against racism.  I’ve been singing about his desire to win.  But somehow, none of it prepared me for this.  Red Auerbach dead.   Wednesday will be the first season opener in NBA history without the redhead.  As far as the Celtics have been concerned, we’ve always held out hope.  We knew Red was there.  It gave us comfort.  Made us feel secure.  This is truly the end of an era.  In the upcoming days and weeks, you’re going to be hearing a lot about Red.  I don’t feel I can write anything  that would do him any justice.  So, instead of me talking about Red, I’ll let Red do the talking.

Red on Winning: 

I’ll tell you why I’m doing it, because this is one 62-year-old man who still wants to win.  And you want to know something else?  I like the feeling.  When you lose that, baby, it’s time to go home.

There’s no substitute for winning, that’s the bottom line.  When you win, you’re a genius, regardless of what it took.

They say that losing comes easier as you grow older.  But losing keeps getting harder for me.  I just can’t take it like I used to.  It’s time for me to step out.

If your keeping score, win.

The hardest thing to do is win it the second time.

There are ways to gain an edge.  I’ll give you an example: If you’re playing against a fast-breaking team, you put new nets up so the ball won’t go through quick.  It hangs up.  In kickball, you water the field the night before; or you let the grass grow. In hockey, you make soft ice if you’re playing against a fast team. In baseball, you raise or lower the pitcher’s mound according to your pitcher, not their pitcher.

If they think we got an edge, we got an edge.

You don’t kiss your enemy!  You see, theoretically, if I’m playing against you, if you make me look bad and I get fired, you’re my enemy.  That means you’re taking the food out of my mouth, out of my family’s mouth.  So as long as you’re my enemy, let’s be enemies!  I saw a game the other night, after it was over, guys from both teams were hugging each other…We never did that!  Until the game was over, we were fighting for our life!  We zoomed right into the dressing room afterward.

Red on Coaching: 

Some coaches have to show every day that they’re in control.  That’s a sign of weakness in my book.

I never missed a practice or a game in 20 years.  There was no such thing as a day off.  It was tough.

I was a coach who listened.  I had guys when I was coaching who were in their thirties, like Cousy, Havlicek, Russell, all those guys.  They were very bright.  I’ve got to be stupid, as a coach, not to utilize their intelligence.

I don’t ever want a guy to say to me, when I tell him to do something, “Why?”

You play as you practice.  (Are you listening AI?)

Eighty percent of the announcers who do color on TV are fired coaches.  If they were such experts, why’d they get fired?

Look after your people.

You know what bothers me?  All these ballplayers, they all want to play for contenders. That’s bullshit.  You play where you’re playing and do the best you can and let things work out.  It’s like coaches.  When you get a good coach, whether it be a Phil Jackson or somebody else, what the hell does it take to have a ready-made ball club that’s star-studded?

(More Phil Jackson)  Phil is obviously a good coach.  You don’t win that many games without being a damn good coach…Remember one thing: He’s been very fortunate. He picks his spots. That’s all I can say.

It’s a great feeling to be the coach of the best team in the world.

They said you have to use your five best players; but I found you win with the five who fit together the best.

Spread the credit when you win. Take the blame when you lose.

Red on Bill Russell: 

This is a guy who made shot-blocking an art.  Today, there are very few people who know how to block shots like he did.  They like to smack it away into the stands.  Russ kept the ball in play and I’d say 75 percent of the time, we came up with the ball.

Bill was an emotional guy with a great mind.  You could fool him once, but you’d never fool him twice.

There’s no player today who compares to Bill Russell.  As great as Shaq is, it would have been interesting to have Chamberlain knock bodies with him; or Russell blocking all his shots.  See?  Oscar Robertson, Jerry West, John Havlicek, shoot!  I mean, John Stockton is a hell of a player, but I don’t take him ahead of Cousy.

I had to have somebody who could get me the ball.  I’d been tipped off about Russell by my college coach, Bill Reinhart.  Bill said Russell was the greatest defensive player and greatest rebounder he’d ever seen.

Nobody had ever blocked shots in the pros before Russell came along.  He upset everybody.

Red On Racism: 

Black, white, or whatever, we didn’t give a damn.  If you could play, you could play, and that’s the way we were.

Adolph Rupp was no racist.  Yes, he hated black players.  He also hated white players and green players, if they couldn’t play.

To me, a person always has been a person, whether he could play or couldn’t play, regardless of his religion or color.  If he were better than the next guy, hey, he should play.

Red On the Celtics Mystique:

Paul Silas had been in the league for about eight or nine years, and we got him in a trade.  And after about four months in Boston, he came over to me and he says, “You know, I’d like to say something to you, Coach.” I said, “What’s that?” He said, “When I was in Phoenix, I always felt that the Celtic mystique and pride was a bunch of crap.” He said, “I want you to know that it’s the greatest thing I ever saw, and I want you to know that I’m happy to be a part of it.” That gave me a great, great thrill.

Individual honors are nice, but no Celtic has ever gone out of his way to achieve them.  We have never had the league’s top scorer. In fact, we won seven league championships without placing even one among the league’s top 10 scorers. Our pride was never rooted in statistics.

One thing is that our players always were happy.  We treated them as people.  That was the Celtic mystique, or pride, or whatever you call it.  We have a history of taking care of our own. For example, Cousy and Tom Heinsohn are our TV announcers. Rick Weitzman is a scout.  Dennis Johnson is a scout.  M.L. Carr is our community relations guy.  We hired Dave Cowens to teach the big men. All our coaches, except two, Bill Fitch and Jimmy Rodgers, have been Celtics.  Hey, Larry Bird is in the front office now. As a result, we got a reputation: If you play in Boston, and keep your nose clean, the Celtics will take care of you.

Red On Wilt Chamberlain:

Chamberlain was the most unbelievable physical specimen ever.  There wasn’t anything he couldn’t do on the basketball court.  One year he scored fifty points a game.  Another year he led the league in assists.  He was so strong it was frightening.  But there was one thing he couldn’t do.  He couldn’t beat us.  Just couldn’t do it.  Russell wore him out, running up and down the court, and you (Sam Jones ) you drove him crazy.  Remember how we ran that pick-and-roll play, where Russell would feed you the ball and Chamberlain had to switch?  He’d always get there just as you released the shot, and you, you sonofabitch, you’d say in that high-pitched voice of yours, ‘Too late.’ And you made the shot every time.

Red On the Fans: 

A Guy jumps out at me screaming in my face that the Celtics get away with murder, that I stole the game by intimidating the referees.  He won’t get out of my way.  So finally I just popped him in the nose.  Knocked him down and kept walking.

I don’t sit in the (luxury) boxes with all that food and all that stuff in there…I like to hear what the people say, even at my age.  I like to see if there’s any bitching and moaning during the games.

Red on Role Players:

That’s a player who willingly undertakes the thankless job that has to be done in order to make the whole package fly.

Red On All His Disciples Coaching in the NBA:

It gives you the feeling that the Celtics stood for something that the other owners appreciated.  And that’s why a lot of these guys were hired.  It stands for integrity, teamwork, pride. It’s so many things.  It’s a mystique.

Red On The Internet:

I never bought into that whole Internet thing.  I don’t even own a fax machine.

Red On Rick Pitino:

I knew right from the beginning that he was headed for the pile.  I respect him, he’s a helluva coach, he really is…but he didn’t like Rick Fox!  He didn’t like David Wesley.  He didn’t like Danny Fortson.  You know what I mean…we differed on a lot of things.  But that was his opinion as the CEO, so he made the moves.  Hey, he’s where he belongs.  He’s a great college coach.

Pitino, he sold them a bill of goods.  They didn’t consult me on Pitino.  He’s a hell of a coach in college, but I never would’ve OK’d what they gave him.  The money was way out of whack.  We could have gotten him for half of that.

Red on Reggie and Len Bias:

The bad break of it all was that the league never gave us a chance to recover from Reggie Lewis.  Forget about Bias, they never gave us a pick or anything to recover from that, but they could have given us cap money to use for Reggie.  They made us carry his salary on our cap for three years.  Three!  Today, they changed that rule.  They realized how shabbily they treated us.  When you lose two All-Star players and get nothing back…just think about that.  Go to New Jersey and take away Kidd and Van Horn.  Where the hell would they be?  

People don’t realize how good he (Bias) was, unless they saw him play.  One of the early guys that was 6-foot-8 and could really run.  I used to know him before it happened.  Lefty Driesell was a good friend, still is.

He (Bias) was not a drug user.  That’s why he died, he didn’t know how to use them!  We tested him out a week before…So did a lot of other teams.  He passed three physicals from three teams.

Red On the Parquet Floor:

The whole thing was a myth.  People thought not only that there were dead spots, but that we knew where every one was, and we could play accordingly.  Now, did you ever watch a ballplayer go up and down the court at that speed and pick out a dead spot?  If our players worried about that, thinking that’s going to help them win, they’re out of their cotton-picking mind.  But if the other team thought that: Hey, good for us.

Red On John Y. Brown:

I told him he had two weeks to sell the team or I was gone.  I told him there was no way I was going to work for him anymore.  That’s when he sold the team to Harry Mangurian.  This was right after I almost took the job with the Knicks.  I actually had accepted the Knick offer and was going to take the job when I changed my mind.

Peace out homies.  Rest in peace Red.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  I write the blogs that make the whole world sing.

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  I write a blog.  Chances are, when you write a blog, you read a lot of blogs. I read a lot of blogs.  A whole lot of ‘em.  I’ve been to one end of Al Gore’s Internet and back reading blogs.  So, I wanted to pass along some of these blogs to you.  Aren’t you lucky?  Some of them you know, some you may not.  Enjoy.

The Staples:  These are the sites I read and steal from on a daily basis without fail.

ESPN the World Wide Leader.  I know you know, but I have to say it.  If it happens in sports, ESPN has it.  With a quickness.  I can’t beat ESPN to the stories, I can only hope to tell them better.  Then there’s the ESPN subsidiaries.  Bill Simmons.  The original sports blogger.  When all is said and done, the Boston Sports Guy will go down as a pioneer in this field.  Like Howard Cosell and Red Smith before him.  Laugh if you want, but Simmons was a trailblazer.  Dave Twardzic style.  OK, enough fawning.  Elias Says.  The good folks over at Elias Sports Bureau have their own little spot on the Leader.  Your daily glance inside the numbers from the world of sports.  The researchers and statisticians at Elias have been keeping track of baseball records since Babe Ruth was a pitcher for the Red Sox.  A must read for all you number freaky freaks out there.  Remember that cereal?  We are the Freakies, we are the Freakies, we live in our Freakie tree…. Hav does.

2.  Deadspin:  Deadspin used to be the hip sports site only those in the know, knew.  Then Time wrote about it.  Said it was the coolest sports website on the Internet.  Next thing you know,  everybody’s reading it.  “You’re with me leather” was the secret password to blogdom’s sport speakeasy.  Now its hit the big time.  Don’t worry it’s still a must read.  Still the second best blog on the planet.  You know who’s number one, right?  Right?

The Rest:  Just a little taste of what I’m reading out there.  A very little taste.

1.  10,000 Takes:  Looks like Deadspin.  Smells like Deadspin.  Funny like deadspin.

2.  Shut Up Tim McCarver:  Tim McCarver’s bad.  Really bad.  But do we need a whole website to tell us how bad Tim McCarver is?  Who cares?  A regular laugh riot.

3.  Drunk Athletes:  Just what the name says.  If you’re an athlete.  If you’re drunk.  Your picture is in there.  From Dwayne Wade to John Daley.  From Big Papi to the Northwestern  Women’s soccer team.  Drunk, drunk, drunk and drunk. 

4.  I *Heart* Celtics:  I actually just stumbled upon this site.  Irreverent Celtic talk at its best.  “The revolutionary website that combines McHale’s shoulders, Bird’s moustache, M.L. Carr’s towel, Red’s cigar, Russell’s rings, Pierce’s headband, Tommy’s bias, Cousy’s moves, Tony Allen’s street smarts, Scalabrine’s appetite, Pitsnoggle’s teeth, Telfair’s carry-on luggage, Rondo’s freakishly huge hands, and Wally’s devastating good looks.”

5.  Kissing Suzy Kolber:  If the name doesn’t get you, the blogs will.  Funny as hell.  Captain Caveman, The Unsilent Majority, Big Daddy Drew:  A curve ball’s what their pitch is.  So here they here they come, like dum ditty dum, they keep all five boroughs in stitches.  Beastie Boys style.

6.  Barstool Sports:  Started as a free biweekly newspaper in Boston.  A gambling rag.  Now it’s a pretty daggone funny website.  Pretty daggone funny.  Bill Simmons guys.

7.  Throbbing Grizzle:  Uncle Smokey Stank.  That’s all you need to know.  Uncle Smokey Stank.  The guy’s a World Wide Leader hater.  That’s not so bad?  Now, is it?

8.  Chad Finn’s Touching All the Bases:  One of the most knowledgeable guys out there.  He was gone a while but now he’s back.  Thank goodness.

That’s all you get.  Last thing I need is for you guys to get hooked on of these guys.

Publc Knowledge:

1.  Another Tiger pitcher can’t hold on to the ball.  Cardinals win the World Series.  Tigers pitchers made more errors in five games in the 2006 World Series (five) than the Reds pitchers made during the entire 2006 regular season (four).

2.   This Wainwright character sure can pitch.  Should be a good closer for along time.  Izzy who?  Wainwright tied the rookie record for saves in one postseason (four).  Set last year, by the Pale Hose’ Bobby Jenks. Wainwright K’d Brandon Inge for the final out.  It was the first time that the Series ended with a strikeout since 1988.  Then, the Bulldog struck out the A’s Tony Phillips to give Dem Bums the title.

Public Spectacle:
 

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  What does it take to be number one?  Two is not a winner.  Three nobody remembers.

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  All aboard!  All aboard the Patriots bandwagon.  It’s about time.  Was there ever any doubt?  Not here.  Not here in these pages.  When all is said id done, this Patriots team, and by that I mean, Bill Belichick’s Patriots, will go down as one of the best in history.  In Boston, they will be mentioned in the same breath as Auerbach’s Celtics.  As Bird’s Celtics.  As the Big Bad Bruins.  Around the NFL, they will be mentioned in the same breath as the Steel Curtain.  As Landry’s Cowboys.  As Aikman’s Cowboys.  As the Packers of yore.  As the 49ers.  When all is said and done, Bill the Brain will be regarded as the best coach in any sport ever.  He’s that good.  Know this, the Big Tuna has never won a Super Bowl without the Big Brain.  And Belichick?  Well, you know.

OK.  Enough of that.  Let’s get down to business.  Growed folks’ business.  Football business.  This year’s New England Patriots business.  I’m jacked and pumped about this team.  Pete Carroll style.  The Pats quietly march to 5-1.  Very quietly.  If all goes as it should Monday Night, they will be 6-1 by the time they run into Indy.  Let Peyton throw for a million yards.  Let him.  Let Peyton make a million commercials.  Let him.  Give me Tom Terrific any day.  He has shown time and time again, he’s the better big game quarterback.  You know who you want in there when you absolutely, positively, have to have a win.  Don’t you?  Fantasy guys may say, hey, his numbers are down this year.  Big deal.  We are now looking at Tom Brady redux.  Circa 2001 Tom Brady.  He has only thrown for over 200 yards twice this year. That is by design.  Small ball.  Bill the Brain style.  Neion Dieon is not going to walk through that door, fans.  David Patten is not going to walk through that door.  David Givens is not going to walk through that door.  Tom just spreads the rock around.  Three different receivers have twice posted the team high receiving yards for the Patriots.  That’s not such a bad thing.  Not a bad thing at all.  Not with Laurence Maroney stiff-arming his way through defenses.  Earl Campell style.  The Patriots backfield is much improved.  Very much improved.  Some might say nasty.  Their defense?  Am I the only guy who notices the Pats have not given up more than 17 points this season?  Huh?  Am I?  They are fourth in the league in points allowed.  This edition of your New England Patriots is off to their 2nd best start in the Brain era.    And, it only gets better.  Belichick teams always play better in the second half.  Always.  Soon we will be talking about byes and home field advantages.  Yet, no one wants to give them any dep.  First, the Dolphins.  Then, the Ravens.  Now the teams de jour are the Broncos and Bolts.  C’mon.  Knock it off.  When all is said and done, we all know.  Don’t we?  We all know the Patriots will be playing on the biggest Sunday of the year.  The NFL, win or go home!

Public Knowledge:

1.  I heard the whole Tiki thing.  Called everybody idiots.  That’s fine and all.  Did I hear him say, Michael Irving?  I heard that, right?

2.  T.O. said he already feels better chemistry with Tony Romo than he ever did with Bledsoe.  Now is it me, or is that a ringing endorsement for Drew?  Like Butch From the Cape always says, “He’s tall; he has a strong arm…”

3.  Gay Leads Chrysler by Two.  Barron goes shirtless.  What the hell does that mean?

4.  This is great.  Just great I tell you.  The Big Aristotle was present during a botched child pornography raid last month while working in Virginia as a reserve deputy’s sheriff.  It appears Shaq Daddy hangs out with cops during the off-season.  He denied taking part in serving the search warrant at the wrong house.  But his big-mouthed buddy at the Bedford County Sheriff’s Department  confirmed he was there.  The poor bastard whose house got raided filed a formal complaint.  AJ Nuckols:  “Men ran at me, dropped into shooting position, double-handed semiautomatic pistols pointed at me, am made me put my hands against my truck.”  Book ‘em Diesel.

5.  One more time.  How bout Grimace’s Sabres.  The perfect Sabres beat the Isles 3-0 to win their 10th straight game and match the best start the NHL has ever seen.  Ever.  Who’d they tie?  Chompers’ Leafs of course.

6.  Watch your back Joe.  Donny Baseball replaces Lee Mazzilli as bench coach for the Bombers.  That’s why the Yankees kept Torre.  They only had to commit for one year.  Anyone else, and the terms would have had to be longer.  NY wants Mattingly to manage this team.  Soon.

7.  Paris Hilton’s boyfriend is a baby daddy.  Matt Lienart is the father of a bouncing baby boy.

8.  Wait.  Let me get this straight.  The Yankees pick up Sheff’s $13 million option, and he’s pissed?  Am I missing something?  Is this the same guy who cried last off-season because they didn’t pick up his option?  Sheff:  “This will not work, this will not work at all.  I don’t want to play first base for a year for them.  I will not do that.”  That’s the spirit.  And you guys hate A-Broad?

9. Do or die time for the Tigers.  Curt Granderson slips, Curt Flood style.  Double Eckstein.  Cardinals win!  Cardinals win!

10.  Listening to Mike and the Mad Dog.  Mike says something like the MLB wouldn’t mind if last night’s game got rained out since the Thursday night TV line-up is so strong.  C’mon Mike.  Must See TV is not going to walk through that door.  Seinfeld is not going to walk through that door.  Frazier is not going to walk through that door.  Where have you been, dude?

11.  Butter fingers!  Tiger pitchers have made an error in each of the four games so far.  They are the 1st team ever to have an error by a pitcher in four straight post-season games.  Pretty rare in the regular season too.  Since 1993, only two teams had an error from a pitcher in four consecutive games:  The Twinkies in 2003 and Seattle in 2002.

12.  Yakkity Yak.  Denver Nuggets’ Yakhouba Diawara.  Watch this guy.  George Karl loves him.  Undrafted out of Pepperdine.  Got jobbeed by the NCAA.  Something about making it harder for foreigners to play college ball.  I dunno. I do know this kid can flat out play.

13.  Baron is back.  Baron Davis.  Showed up to camp in tiptop shape for the first time in years.  Tearing up the pre-season.  Good news for Nellie.  Another Auerbach guy.

14.  Good news for fantasy guys. Looks like Big Ben Roethlisberger is ready for Sunday.  First the motorcycle thing.  Then the appendectomy.  Then the concussion.  The new Comeback Kid.

15.  Now you’ve heard of pianists insuring their fingers, right?  Well, boxer Kevin “the Dagenham” Destroyer just insured his yarbles.  Clockwork Orange style.  Yup. Mitchell had his balls insured.  He’s a little worried about his upcoming fight with Ghanaian George Ashie.  Mitchell:  “I put on a video of his recent bout with Scotsman Martin Watson up in Edinbugh and it made my eyes water just watching it, there were so many low blows.”

16.  T.O.’s a coward.  Just ask Plaxico Burress.  After Owens dodged a giant hit from Giant Gibril Wilson, Plax called him a coward.  Yella.  A Scaredy-cat.  Lily livered.  Chicken.

17.  When Michael Strahan gets his next sack Sunday, he will break LT’s franchise record.  Kinda.  In Taylor’s rookie season, they didn’t record sacks. He had 9 1/2 that year.

18.  I can’t wait till Monday.  No, not Pats/Vikes.  Save the cheerleader, save the world!

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

You go to the zoo, but you can’t feed guerillas who wanna blow up the world.  -Prince

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Hallelujah Hockey Krishnas!  Rejoice!  Today’s your lucky day.  Evgeni Malkin.  Hockey’s newest phenom.  It was only a matter of time.  Only a matter of time before Malkin made the lead story in these pages.  Only a matter of time before Malkin went from the best player not in the NHL to one of the best players in it. Only a matter of time before Malkin went from unknown to most talked about.  Only a matter of time before Malkin went from injured list to first line.  Only a matter of time before Malkin scored his fourth goal in his fourth game.         Read More »

Josh Q. Public:  Step back man, I ain’t a black man, but everytime I grab the mike, I rock a phat jam.  -House of Pain

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  As you may know, I’m a an alien, I’m a legal alien, that’s right, a Bostonian living in New York.  And being a sports fan, that means I’ve had to endure a lot.  A whole lot.  The 1918 jeers were unbearable.  But nothing gets my goat, Earl Manigault, more than the racism tag.   The racism tag pinned squarely on the chest on my beloved Celtics.  Pau Gasol may come here.  Great.  Here we go again.  Another white guy. Here it comes.  Learn your lesson well, if I don’t, then I guess you get jelled.  Swell, heads go down like the sun and here it comes.  More racism cracks.  More stabs in our backs.  It is the most unfair label in all of sports. You don’t believe me?  Check it check it out.  Who was the first black player to be drafted in the NBA?  Chuck Cooper.  That’s who.  Cooper was signed by the Boston Celtics and coach Red Auerbach.  The original Just Win Baby preacher.  That’s all Red cared about, winning.  So, in turn, that’s all the Celtics cared about.  Was the city racist?  Probably.  During the Celtics heyday of the late 50’s and all through the 60’s, you had more fannies in the seats at Bruins games than you did at Celtics games.  That’s a shame.  My tears fall like rain.  But don’t blame Red and the Celtics.  Walter Brown, Celtics owner:  “I don’t care if he’s striped, plaid or polka dot!  Boston takes Charles Cooper of Duquense.”   Revolutionary talk for 1950.  Chuck Cooper:  “I had good support from the Celtics.  There were never any racial problems with the team.  I felt a strong relationship with them all.”  More Cooper:  “I’m convinced that no NBA team would have made the move on blacks in 1950 if the Celtics hadn’t drafted me.”  You hear that?  Huh?  Do you?  Not only were the Celtics not racist, they were instrumental in breaking down the race barrier for the whole NBA.  Branch Rickey style.  Not enough for you?  Just one guy you say?  Fast forward to 1964.  Pre Don Haskins.  Pre Western Texas Championship.  Red Auerbach strikes again!  Inspector Jacques Clouseau style.  To hell with the NBA.  To hell with the media. To hell with the Boston fans.  Red uses the first-ever all black starting five in NBA history.  Just Win Baby!  Red:  “It didn’t make a difference to me what color any of my players were. I was putting the five best players out on the court so that we could win.”  Al Davis style. KC Jones.  Willie Nauls.  Bill “Felton X” Russell.  Sam Jones.  Tom “Satch” Sanders.  World Champions.  KC Jones:  “Red is a genius.  He had such a high degree of intelligence. But at the same time, he just wanted to win. He did whatever it took to win.”  Satisfied?  No?  You need more?  Ponder this.  1966.  No black coaches in any major sport.  Red retires.  Names Bill Russell his successor. Player-coach.  Two championships.  Just Win Baby.  1st black coach, not just in the NBA, but in any sport period.  Racists or trailblazers, you be the judge.  Judge Wapner.  Judge Hatchett.  Judge Dredd.  And don’t use those Bird teams as examples of racism.  Bird was arguably the best player in the league, white or black, regardless of what Zeke says. Those Celtics won the championship three times.  Twice under a black coach.  So the Celtics may pick up Pau Gasol?  So what?  It makes them better.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Public Knowledge:

1.  Chris Carpenter:  “I came out tonight and had my good stuff.”  That’s the understatement of the day.  Nasty, filthy, disgusting, gross breaking balls for eight, three hit, no run, no goo innings.  Cardinals win!  Cardinals win!  Cardinals win!  Carpenter became the first Red Bird World Series starter to throw at least eight innings, with no walks and no more than three hits. Only two other pitchers over the last 20 World Series have had such outings: Greg Maddux (a nine-inning complete game) in Game 1 of the 1995 Series and The Rocket (eight innings) in Game 2 of the 2000 Series.

2.  Tony Romo gets another shot to prove he deserves to be the Cowboys’ starting quarterback.  Butch from the Cape on Bledsoe:  “He’s tall, he has a strong arm.  He’s tall, he has a strong arm.  He’s tall, he has a strong arm.”  Happy trails to you…

3.   Scott Boras:  “There will be no movement of Alex Rodriguez this off season.” Ya ya ya, we’ll see.  Roger Clemens:  “I will never play for the Yankees.”  Johnny Damon:  “I will never play for the Yankees.”  Mo Vaughn:  “It’s not about the money.”

4.  Penguin dancing.  You heard it here first folks.  Malkin scores a goal in his fourth consecutive game to start his career.  Simply a beast.   Fellow rookie Jordan Staal scores his third goal in two games.  Sidney Crosby and Marc-Andre Fleury number one picks.  Penguins.  Last to first baby. Last to first.  The Penguins beat the Devils 4-2, and among Pittsburgh’s goal-scorers were 19-year-old Crosby, 20-year-old  Malkin and 18-year-old Staal. The Pens have scored 25 goals this season, and 13 of them have been scored by players who have not yet turned 21 years of age. Meanwhile, the rest of the 20-or-youngers in the league have combined for a total of 11 goals. Malkin has scored a goal in each of the four NHL games in which he has played. Since the 1979-80 season, the dawn of the Gretzky Era, only three other players have done that: Boston’s Dmitri Kvartalnov; Nordiques’s Reg Thomas and the Rangers’ Steven King. Yowza!

5.  If you haven’t already picked them yet, pick the Pats in your suicide pool this week. They will not lose to the Vikings.  Sunday Night Football.  The new Monday Night Football.

6.  I really thought the Bruins would be good this year.  They’re not. I’m sad.  Sgt. George Baker style.

7.  More Scot Boras.  The Gem of Japanese Baseball.  Gyroballer Daisuke Matsuzaka.  Signs with Boras.  Not good news for anybody.  Except maybe Matsuzaka.

8.  We all know the Big Tuna’s boy Maurice Carthon resigned on Tuesday. During his tenure,  the Browns scored only 14.5 points per game, the lowest average for any NFL team over the last two seasons (2005-06).  How’d he keep his job so long?

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

No blogger can blog quite like I can, I’ll take a muscle-bound man and put his face in the sand.  -LL Cool J

Public Service Announcement:  Ok here we go!  All right, we all know by now that Shawne Lights Out Merriman, no relation to James Lights Out Toney, unless you count juice use, was bagged for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. So where’s the outrage?  Where’s the indignation?  Barry Bonds style.  I gotta think the problem in football is just as big as the problem in baseball.  It’s just that people don’t care.       Read More »

Josh Q. Public:  Number one in the hood G!

Public Service Announcement:  OK here we go.  I was gonna do the whole Monday morning quarterback thing.  But, you know what? Everybody’s doing it.  Besides, I’m on this TV kick thing now and I just gotta get it out of my system. Ok?  Is that all right with you?  Don’t worry, you’ll get what you need down in the Public at Large section.  What’s that?  You need a taste now? OK OK.  All you need to know.  Pats win. Pats win big.  Tom very Bradylike.  Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.  Chad Jackson shows why Neion Deion was expendable.  By November 26, the Patriots should be at least tied with the best record in the NFL.  By then, they will have done what they always do, whoop up on the Colts.  By then, they will have laid the hammer down to America’s new team, da Bears.  By then, all order should be restored in the world.  All right?  Happy now? Can I do what I was doing? Thank you.  Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I give you, Aqua Teen Hunger Force:

I’ve been patient, haven’t I?  I’ve been watching the repeats.   I’ve been watching the repeats for two fricken years here!  I haven’t complained, have I?  I’ve been watching Matser Shake.  Shake Zula.  The mic rula. The old schoola.  He’s a milkshake you know.  A mean spirited, abusive, egotistical, sadistic little milkshake.  And, he’s the best damn character on TV.  Damn right, he’s better than yours.  I’ve been watching as he torments the dickens out of poor little Meatwad.  Ah Meatwad.  That adorable shape shifting ball of meat.  He may make the money, see.  He may get the honeys, G.  But, I can’t say he doesn’t have it coming. I’ve been watching as the gay innuendoes fly all around Frylock.  “Frylock and I’m on top; rock you like a cop.”  Wearing his cute little sailors cap. I’ve been watching as Carl just gets one punch in the balls after another.  Carl, your typical Jersey degenerate.  This one quote sums him up in a nutshell:  “Yeah! I saw those guys (Foreigner) in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams; that was a kick ass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ‘Urgent‘. Every time I hear ‘Urgent’ on the radio I think of that girl’s boobs and… covered in vomit.” Yes, I’ve seen every episode of all four seasons without respite for two years now.  But nothing, nothing I tell you, prepared me for this.  The new episode!  Finally, season five is here.  Irreverence at its best.  Dickesode.  Yup, that’s what the new one is called.  Dickesode.  A laugh riot. Kudos. Disturbing?  Yes.  But not as disturbing as the episode where Carl has a broomstick so far up his ass there’s a bump on his head.  Not as disturbing as the whole Gimp scene in Pulp Fiction.  But still, disturbing.  Must have said dick about a hundred times.  Degree in dicknology.  That’s rich.  Rich I tell you. Talking dumplings.  Shake has a Costanza moment.  Those aren’t walnuts!  I don’t want to give too much away, so set your TiVo.  Get ready.  Season five is here.  We will now continue with our usual sports programming.  Thank you for your patience.

Public Knowledge:

1. Say good bye to my little friend.  Nelson de la Rosa.  World’s shortest actor.  2 foot 4 in his stockinged little feet.  And Pedro’s own personal little rabbit’s foot, died. So sad.  I’ll fondly remember him being tossed about the locker room after our World Series.  Maybe he died of a broken heart. When Pedro abandoned Boston, he also abandoned Nelson.

2.  How bout the Gambler?  Sure looked like he was pitching with an ace up his sleeve.  Or poo.  Some mystery brown gunk anyway.  The gunk was there in the first inning.  It was.  I saw it on TV.  And what an inning.  Nasty junk.  Buggs Bunny style. I was surprised he didn’t throw a pitch and beat the ball to home plate and catch it himself.  Cardinals hitters apparently noticed.   The gunk was gone in the second inning.

3.  Shawne Lights Out  Merriman.  Bagged for juice use.  Quite a specimen.  Were you surprised? How many 6-4, 272-lb linebackers do you know have his size, strength and quickness? What’s going on down there in Southern Cali?  First Terrence Kiel was arrested by the DEA for shipping codeine-based cough syrup to Texas.

4.  Have the Jets finally found their running game?  Chompers’ and Florida State’s own Leon Washington.  By the way, did you see the Seminoles new black jerseys?  Gross.  My theory?  Any team who sports black uni’s who didn’t originally do so, is in trouble.  Anyway, Washington runs for 129 yards and 2 TDs.  One TD a Sports Center, George Costanza, Tippy Toe Special down the sidelines. Matt Chatham:  “The kid is explosive.  A difference maker.”  If he is for real, so are the Jets.  Was that two Costanza references in one blog?

5.  Chicks dig the longball. Matt Bryant. Tampa Bay.  62 yarder. Game winner.  Third all time.  Who’s second? Same as the first.  Herman Hermit’s style.  Tom Dempsey and John Elam tied at 63 yards.  Which guy has half a foot? Tom Dempsey.

6.  Question.  Who is the only NFL team right now to have two shut outs?  The Jaguars.  Another question.  Going into yesterday, which NFL hadn’t gained over 60 yards on the ground.  Houston.  Last question. Who won?  Wali Triple Lundy runs roughshod over the stingy Jacksonville D.  Texans win!  Texans win!  Texans win!

7.  Chicks Dig the Longball II.  Electric Boogaloo.  Lawernce Tynes.  Kansas City kicker.  48-yard field goal wiped out by a penalty.  Comes right back, LL Cool J style, to nail a 53-yarder with 6 seconds left.  Gives the Chiefs a 30-27 victory over the San Diego Pharmacists.  Herm got lucky.  Tom Petty style.

8.  Nothing like playing the Dolphins to cure what ails you.  Green Bay was last in pass defense going into Miami yesterday. Pick Joey Heisman 3 times and win the ballgame.  I love it!

9. If you can’t play the Dolphins, get a finger stuck up your butt.  Chicks Dig the Longball III. Morten Anderson, who finished his annual prostate exam right before the game, kicked a 36 yard field goal in OT. In regulation things got kina kooky. Mike Koenen kicks a 56 yard field goal.  No good!  WAIT.  Penatly.  Five yards and another chance. This time they bring in Mr. Babaar.  Two B’s just not right next to each other. Got the whole fist up there doc?  Moon river.  52 yarder.  Comes up short.  OT baby.  Falcons beat Steelers in a good old fashioned donnybrook. I just wanted to say donnybrook.  Does that make me a bad person?

10.  Who dey?  Who dey? Who dey think gonna beat them Bengals.  I thought the Panthers. I was wrrrrr….Fonzie style.  Chad Johnson. Circus catch.  Ballgame.

11.  Bible Boys Brunell and Gibbs lose their third straight.  Bye bye playoffs.  Colts remain on the undefeated bus.  Next up:  Denver.

12.  He     could     go     all     the    way!  Chester Taylor.  Vikings.  Who has him in fantasy?  95 yard touchdown.  Longest in Vikings history.  Longer than Chuck Foreman.  Longer than Herschel Walker.  Ends Seahawks 12 game home winning streak.  My favorite home winning streak?  1985-86 Boston Celtics.  We had seasons in those days.  Went to a game.  Saw a win.  I loved this game.  Fan-tastic.  Just saw you know, Jeff Malone scored 36 points and the Anacostia Bullets beat the Celts to end the streak.  Bird was very Bradylike.  21 points and 12 boards.  Side note:  Jeff Malone is the nephew of Vivian Malone Jones. She was one of the first two African Americans to enroll at Bama in 1963.  Made famous when Alabama Governor George Wallace tried to block them from entering, triggering a showdown with federal troops.  Roll tide roll.  From Chester Taylor to Governor Wallace.  Pretty good, huh?

13.  Raiders win!  Raiders win!  Raiders win!  Guess who’s out of his suicide pool.  Serves me right.  I rode that horse too long.  But you should never change a horse mid-stream.  Its just good horse sense.  Aw, horsefeathers.  Groucho style.  Moss comes alive.  Paris Hilton’s boyfriend nearly invisible.

14.  Broncos D getting it done. Hold their 5th straight foe to single digits.  I know, it’s the Browns.  Their defense was on the field for what seemed like the entire second half of the game. What was WillieMcGinest thinking?  Stupid.

15.  Monday Night tonight. Tony Kornheiser handcuffed by ESPN. Where’s that irreverence?  Where’s that shtick?  Blandorama. Sunday night is the new Monday night.

16.  Those are my breasts!  In case you missed it Sir Paul McCartney accused of preventing his estranged from breastfeeding their child.  Saying, you guessed it, Those are my breasts!  You with me leather, style.

17.  Boston College. Moving back up the ladder.  Up to 17 now.  Think they miss the Big East? The Big East boasts 3 undefeateds.  The West Virginia Mountaineers. The Rutgers Scarlet Knights.  The Louisville Cardinals.  The Public will be at The Rutgers/Louisville game. 

18.  They don’t call him Starbury for nothing.  Steph has been shilling a TV talk show. I hope he gets little cuz Bassy on there and gets the real deal. 

19. Heroes tonight.  Save the cheerleader. Save the world!

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies. Six two and Even!

Josh Q Public:  I’m just telling it like it is

Public Service Announcement: OK here we go!  Just some fun factoids I found while scouring Al Gore’s internet.  Get you ready for Monday night.  Now, enjoy.  But don’t say I never gave you nothing.

Bill Parcells:  Began as a linebacker for Wichita State, The Shockers.  Grampy Bill at 65 years young, is the second oldest coach in the NFL next to that Bible thumping old geezer Joe Gibbs.  The Big Tuna’s last two years in the Meadowlands were the last times the Secaucus Giants made the playoffs two years in a row.  Call him the perfessor, cause the cat can teach.  7 guys who coached under Big Bill ended up head coaches themselves.  Wanna know who they are? Sure you do.  C’mon, say please.  OK.  Tom Coughlin, Chris Palmer, Romeo Oh Romeo Crennel, Eric You the Mangini, Bill the Brain, Ray Handley, and Al “Get the Shovel” Groh.  Not bad, huh? I wonder who has more, Bill or Red Auerbach.  If I had more time I’d look that up too.  What head coach has the most appearances on Monday Night?  Ha!  Fooled you.  You thought it was gonna be the Tuna, huh?  Nope, he’s third.  Second is the father of the 4-3 D, Tom Landry.  And your all time leader, Don Shula.  Remember him?  That’s when the Dolphins were good.  Parcells was the first coach in football history to be the recipient of the Gatorade Bath.  And, last but not least, Billy is a Red Sox fan.  Yes!  Marv Albert style.

Tiki Barber:  No dummy, he went to UVA.  Tiki leads the NFL in rushing, but has no TDs.  When was the last time a Giant led the league in rushing?  Do you know?  Do you?  1951.  That’s when.  Do you know who?  Huh?  Do you?  Fast Eddie Price.  That’s who.  Tiki needs only 88 yards to pass my boy, the Tyler Rose, Earl Campell on the all time list.  That would put him at number 20.  You tried to tackle Earl, you got a face full of thigh, and cleat prints on your helmet.  Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers number one!  Tiki led the NFL in total yards from scrimmage in  2004 & 2005.  Remember that.  Now, how bout these names?  Marcus LeMarr Allen.  Marshall William Faulk.  Mean anything to you?  These cats are the only guys to run for 10,000 yards and catch for 5,000 more.  Atiim Kiambu Barber is on pace to catch up with them this year.  He needs to carry the ball for 680 more yards, and receive for 92, and Bam!  Kyle Petty style. He’s right there.  Tiki says he’s gonna retire this year.  I say he isn’t.

Terrell Owens:  First off, I hate this guy.  Second, this guy’s good.  Real good.  Before the debacle last year, Owens averaged 89.4 catches, 1,293 yards, and 13 TDs per season over five seasons.  Yowza! You know how T.O. got his 3 TDs last week, right? Right?  Now he’s only the second guy to do that with three different teams.  Wanna know the other guy?  Ya, I bet you do.  It’s “Here’s to You” Marcus Robinson of course.  Jesus loves him more than he could know.  You know who he did it for? I didn’t think so.  Bears. Ravens.  Vikings.  Easy.  Wanna know T.O.’s middle name? Huh?  Eldorado.  Figures, right?  Played three years on the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga basketball team and made five starts for a team that qualified for the NCAA Tournament in 1995.  The Mocs.  Now that’s an ath-a-lete.

Michael Strahan:  Ok.  I may be a homophobe. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But, don’t believe his estranged wife.  He’s not gay.  Ok?  Is that cleared up now?  The guy has 130 1/2 sacks.  That’s a whole bunch of ‘em.  More than a barrell of monkeys.  I think.   More than anybody playing now, anyway.  2nd all time on the Giants.  You know who’s 1st right?  You must.  LT, baby.  When he wasn’t  blowing $1,000 a day on coke and broads, he was knoicking mugs on their buts.  And what you may not know is, they didn’t even start recording sacks his rookie year.  It was so sad to see him break down and bawl like a little school girl on 60 Minutes that time.  Ok, Sherman, set the Way Back Machine to 1993.  With the 40th pick, from Texas Southern University, the Giants select:  Michael Strahan.  Only one guy drafted before him is still in the league.  You know who that is? Huh, well do you?  Drew Bledsoe.  Washington State Cougars.  He’s tall, has a strong arm.  He’s tall, has a strong arm.  He’s tall, has a strong arm.  The number one pick that year.  Remember?  Everybody said it was stupid.  The Pats should have taken Notre Dame’s Rick Mirer.  Remember? Tuna was buying the groceries. 

Jay Feeley:  Has only made six out of thirteen field goals in overtime or in the last two minutes in his career.  Gross.  That’s the worst among all of the kickers in the game today.  Maybe Steve Aponavicius could walk onto the Giants.   

Drew Bledsoe:  Tied for tenth all time wins at quarterback.  Who’s he tied with you ask?  David Krieg.  King of the journeymen.  Oilers, Seahawks, Chiefs, Lions, Cardinals and Bears, oh my!   Big Drew needs 2 more wins to break the 100 win mark.  Won’t that be something?

Greg Ellis:  9 sackeroos Vs. the Giants.  More than anybody.  Anybody still playing that is.

Eli Manning: Red zone baby, red zone.  130.4 passing rating in the red zone.  Top of the pops.  Top of the pops.

Now that was fun wasn’t it?  Not for nothing, I say the Cowboys win this game.  The D is for dangerous.  And that’s what the Cowboys are.  They haven’t even peaked yet.  Say what you want about T.O., Lord knows I do, the guy can play.  Tuna can coach.  If Drew can stay upright, they might just be OK. 

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!