My Uzi Weighs a Ton

Josh Q. Public:  It’s no fun, being on the run;  because they got me, Public Enemy number one. One. One. One.

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, let’s go.  Is it me, or is every athlete packin’.  Call me old fashioned, but I just don’t get it at all.  Sure, there are cultural and sociological reasons for it.  Whether guys are gang banging in the city or hunting out in the sticks, guns play a big part in some people’s lives.  I get it.   Having a gun is like having a cell phone, but c’mon fellas, you’re in the big time now.  Knock it off.  Everybody’s running around like it’s Dodge City out there.  Why don’t we just strap on some cool holsters, Wyatt Earp style and call it a day? You guys are multi-millionaires.  Do you really need the hardware?  For what?  Did Maurice really need hatchet, a loaded AK-47, and three other loaded pistols to go wherever it was he was going?  Did Jayson Williams really need a 12 gauge when he shot his poor limo driver at his palatial home in Milford, NJ?  In front of the Harlem Globetrotters.  Did Lonnie Baxter really need a pistol, driving around NW DC by the White House?  Did Steve Howe really need to bring a .357 magnum with him to the airport on a trip to Whitefish, Montana, with his wife?  Did Brian “Three Day Felon” Blades really need to have gun around when he accidentally shot and killed his own cousin?  Did Chris Henry really need a handgun to go out clubbing in Orlando?  Did AI really need a gun to go looking for his wife?  I understand hunting and target shooting, sort of.  But just to carry one around?  I’m 41 years old now, and there is not one time I could look back to and think, “Gee, I wish I had my gat in that spot.”  Paul Pierce gets stabbed in da club a few years back.  What if has a gun?  He shoots the guy who stabbed him?  Great.  He’s in worse shape than just getting stabbed.  It makes no sense.  You guys don’t need ‘em to survive.  You’re living larger than anyone could imagine.  It truly leaves me dumbfounded.  I surfed around for about 20 minutes looking for guys who got into trouble with guns.  Here’s the hit list:  Maurice Clarett, Lonnie Baxter, Chris Henry, Andrew Golota, Alan Henderson, Sean Taylor, Mike Doss, AI, Dominic Davis, Craig Fuller, TJ Slaughter, Greg Anthony, Barry Switzer, Steve Howe, JR Reid, Broderick Thomas, Jayson Williams, Jeff Alm, Corey Rodgers, Clifford Etienne, and Marcus Stroud.  Bryan Cox, who owns several guns:  ‘’Where I’m from in East St. Louis, a gun was like a credit card; you didn’t leave home without it.”  Great.  Funny quote and all.  You’re not in East St. Louis anymore.  Get over it.  The NFL’s official advice: “In some circumstances, such as for sport or protection, you may legally possess a firearm or other weapon. However, we strongly recommend that you not do so.”  Sounds like the old baseball steroid policy.  Carolina Panthers tight end Wesley Walls says he grew up hunting in the woods of Mississippi and that shooting a gun was part of everyday life.  Again, wonderful.  Keep your guns in the woods of Mississippi hunting; you don’t need them in Westchester.  If you guys want to play with guns so badly, check out the US Army, they’re always looking for a few good men.  I’m sure they’d be happy for the help.  Otherwise, don’t take your guns to town son, leave your guns at home, boy, don’t take your guns to town.  Johnny Cash style.

Public Knowledge: 

1.  All right Bill Simmons, enough is enough.  First you stole my Papi/Bird reference, now this.  You took my Deadwood stuff. (See Toronto, Roy Halliday) This is just getting embarrassing.

2.  Donovan McNabb predicts Eagles win the Super Bowl.  Are you out of your cotton pickn’ mind?  Vegas has them at 22:1.  I think that’s being generous.

3.  I hate commercials.  I like the ESPN commercials.  I like the Vonage commercials.

4.  Wanna talk sports dominance?  See Richard “the King” Petty. NASCAR Championships: Petty won seven times.   Dale Earnhardt is the only other driver to accomplish this feat. Career Wins:  Petty 200.   Petty’s 200 career wins haven’t just stood the test of time, it’s never even been challenged.  Next in line, Darrell Waltrip with 84.  Single Season Wins: Petty, 27.  Next in line, Jeff Gordon with 13.  Petty:  “I won 13 races in a 28-race season.  It took Gordon 32 or 33 races.”  Consecutive Wins:  Petty has 10 of them.  When Petty won 27 times during the 1967 season, the schedule consisted of 49 races. So Petty won, roughly, 55 percent of the events.  Pretty, pretty impressive.  Next in line, seven drivers with 4.  Long live the King.

5.  Go Cowbows!  No not Dallas.  The Oklahoma State Cowboys.  T. Boone Pickens just donated 302 million dollars to the OSU Football Program.  That makes State a playa.  Does it make Boone an owna?

6.  Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, Game of Shadows authors, may go to jail.  As a journalist, do you go to jail to protect a source?  I don’t know the rules.  I don’t know the laws around them.  My only sources are Deadspin, PTI, and ESPN.Com.  But, I’d got to jail for Deadspin.

7.  Sim Baseball is all the rage.  Computerized Stratomatic.  Stratomatic was fun, boy.  Mike Schmidt was unbelievable.

8.  Sox win.  2 games back.  Is Boomer Wells the ace of this staff?  Papi goes yard.  Coconut Crisp is starting to play.  They sign Eric Hinske.  Papelbon, 32nd save in 37 chances.  Things look good, baby.  Day off today, and well, you know what happens Friday.

9.   Bruce Bowen was the final player cut from the U.S. Basketball Team.  Bad move.  Chris Sheridan asks:  “Who’s going to guard Manu Ginobili of Argentina? Or Pau Gasol of Spain? Or Leandro Barbosa of Brazil? Or Boris Diaw and Tony Parker of France? Or Dirk Nowitzki of Germany?”  The player who can defend each and every one of them is Bruce “the Boss” Bowen.

10.  Ok this a good one.  Ron Artest.  Part of his community service sentence is to talk to children.  Very nice, right?  Boom goes the dynamite.  “Someone started trouble and I ended it.”  That’s what Artest told about 50 kids yesterday.  No clue, this guy, no clue.

11.  Speaking of Boom goes the dynamite.  The T.O. Boom Goes the Dynamite Countdown:  TO practiced yesterday.  No Floyd Landis outfit, just helmet and pads.  Countdown, 44 days.

12.  Koren Robinson bagged for drunk driving.  I just did the whole thing on guns, now this.  You guys are rich.  Get a car.  No sense, no sense at all.

13.  I don’t like this one bit.  Tom Brady’s name was found on Greg Anderson’s phone log.  Anderson:  “I had only one brief conversation with Tom Brady regarding a potential future workout.  I never had another phone conversation with him.”  I hope that’s it.  I really do.

14.  Knuckleball King?  Tim Wakefield?  Phil Niekro?  Hoyt Wilhelm?  Tom Candiotti?  Charlie Hough?  Nope.  Jose Canseco.  Well, king is rather strong.  The former American League MVP hit four batters and walked five more in 4 1/3 innings for the Long Beach Armada last night. He also gave up a bomb on a “flat knuckleball” and recorded his first career strikeout during an 8-2 loss to the Reno Silver Fox.  Long live the King.
15.  A’s quietly go 12-1.  Grab 6 1/2 game lead over Angels.  When did that happen?

16.  Bronson Arroyo ends 10-start winless streak.  Was that Wily Mo trade really that bad?  Now that we got Hinske, does Wily Mo sit?

17.  Jon Lieber pitched his first shutout in more than five years.  He is year in and year out, a fantasy baseball league disappointment.

Public Figures:  Brought to you by the good people at Elias Sports Bureau and ESPN the Worldwide Leader.

1.  Ryan O’Malley pitched eight scoreless innings to earn a victory in his major-league debut in the Cubs’ 1-0 win over the Astros yesterday. Over the last 25 years, only two other pitchers threw eight innings or more to win their debut by a 1-0 score: Steve Woodard of the Brewers in 1997 and Rick Reed of the Pirates in 1988.

2.  Boomer Wells survived some rough moments, allowing nine hits over 6 2/3 innings to record a victory in the Red Sox’ 6-4 win over the Tigers. Wells became the first Red Sox pitcher in 10 years to win consecutive starts despite allowing at least nine hits in each. The last to do so was Flash Gordon in 1996

3.  Big Papi temporarily gave the Red Sox a lead with a two-run home run in the fifth inning. It was Ortiz’s 49th go-ahead homer in the last three seasons. He ranks second during that time to Phat Albert Pujols (56). Pujols and Ortiz are head-and-shoulders above the pack; no one else has even reached the 40 mark.

4.  Stephen Drew extended his hitting streak to 13 games in the Diamondbacks‘ 9-5 win over the Rockies, equaling the longest streak of the 2006 season by his brother, J.D. Drew. Over the last 40 seasons, the only other brothers with hitting streaks of 13 or more games in the same season were Roberto and Sandy Alomar, who did it in both 1994 and 1996.

5.  Barry Bonds snapped a streak of 32 at-bats without a home run with career number 724 against Chan Ho Park last night. It was the fifth time this season that Bonds went at least 25 ABs without a home run, equaling the total number of homerless streaks of that length that he recorded over the previous four seasons combined.

Public Spectacles: 

Peace Out Homies.  Six Two and Even!

Need More? Guns