Public Service Announcement: Alright, here we go. Let’s get this out the way first. Yankees win, Sox lose, 2 games back. A-Broad gets game winning sac fly. There, I said it. Happy? My buddy Chompers wrote a great article on Tiger Woods for PGATour.com. He uses stats to show where Tiger would fall if he played other sports. Great read, really. You can find it here. Biting off of that, I decided to do the same thing with Deadwood. Deadwood is the best show on TV right now, and Al Swarengen is definitely the best character. The beating he threw Hurst’s lackey Sunday was mesmerizing. Marvelous Marvin Hagler style. All that being said, here we go:
We’ll start with Wild Bill Hickock. One of the most legendary figures of the Old West. He was murdered in Nutall’s No. 10 Saloon, shot from behind, in his prime, by the coward Jack McCall. I have to go with Jim Brown here. Brown played only nine seasons for the Cleveland Browns. He led the NFL in rushing in eight of them. He averaged 104 yards a game, a record 5.2 yards a pop. He ran for at least 100 yards in 58 of his 118 regular-season games, never missing a game. He ran for 237 yards in a game twice, scored five touchdowns in another game and four times scored four touchdowns. He rushed for more than 1,000 yards in seven seasons, scorching opponents for 1,527 yards in one 12-game season and 1,863 in a 14-game season. Red Smith: ”For mercurial speed, airy nimbleness, and explosive violence in one package of undistilled evil, there is no other like Mr. Brown.” C’mon, is that Wild Bill or what? Like Wild Bill, Brown left the scene when he was on top. When he left the game before the 1966 season, no player had ever ran for as many yards (12,312) or scored more touchdowns (126) or rushing touchdowns (106).
Dan Dority. Al’s #1 henchman. If Al has some dirty work to be done, he knows that he can count on enforcer Dan Dority. Who else but Bob “The Bad One” Probert, Detroit Red Wings. Don Cherry: “Probert, what a man; We see him, it’s slam-bam, let’s go.” Probert will always be remembered as one of the toughest fighters ever to lace ‘em up. Who could forget his epic battles with Tie Domi. Probert bleeding profusely from the forehead. Probert still throwing punches with reckless abandon. A few months later, less than a minute into the game, the two dropped their gloves again. Hanson Brothers style. Probert, commences to pummeling Domi’s face. The two bang away for nearly another full minute. Probert knocked Domi to the ice to end the brawl. Dan Dority vs. Captain Turner style.
Born Martha Jane Cannary- Calamity Jane, known to be as tough as any man in the West. A scout for Custer. Jane was on top of the Wild West but she was just far too crazy to stay there. Dennis Rodman. Nuff said.
Charlie Utter. The faithful sidekick. Always there when you need him. Kevin McHale. Maybe the best sidekick of all time.
Seth Bullock. Intense. Wants to play by the rules. He really does. But that intensity, his inner demons, and a sense of honor lead him to violent outbursts. See the beating he threw poor EB Farnham. Michael Barrett. This guy always seems to play the game the way it should be played. Then, out of nowhere, boom goes the dynamite! Down goes Pierzynski. I didn’t have the ball bitch!
George Hearst. Rich. Powerful. Takes what he wants, when he wants it. Easy. George Steinbrenner. Need I go on?
Finally Al Swarengen. Al is Al Davis. Just win baby! Al (either one of them) will do whatever it takes, hire any gun. In his heyday, there was no one better than Davis. Similar to Steinbrenner, but, oh, so different.
Public Knowledge:
1. Did you see Joel Sherman in the Coast to Coast, New York Post today? Un f’n believable. Stealing from the Blog of Record. In a full page article on Manny, he says this: “Maybe Manny being Manny simply means this: He is the best hitter of the generation.” Hmmm sound familiar? Just look a couple stories down and you’ll see the Public said the exact same thing. Actually the whole article is a rip-off. I am deeply hurt. Sherman did have a great quote I did not: Johnny Damon: “Manny was born to hit.”
2. Tony Reali looks like Frankenstein.
3. 1st Shockey. Now Portis. Every year, NFL players are outspoken about the stupidity of playing exhibition games. I have to agree. They’re right. Extend the season, lose the exhibition games. They won’t. The owners listen to their accountants before they listen to their football people.
4. Jay Mariotti just brought up Daryl Stingley. Shut up, Jay! You’re from Chicago. You have no business hurting my feelings all over again. Just to win Around the Horn.
5. Vince Young to play week 1? I sure hope so. Titan fans should too. He’s way more exciting than Billy Volek could ever be.
6. Calgary Stampeders kicker Sandro DeAngelis dancing around Elaine Benes style after hitting a 53 yarder to win the game. Deangilis, a Nebraska product, was just embarrassing. I hope this Automatica character doesn’t dance around like that.
7. You watch a lot of ESPN News? You watch a lot of Folicare Hair Growth commercials.
8. Fantasy Football. BooYah! After the big three, LJ, LT, and Shaun Alexander, it gets a lot tougher. Especially since now Portis is hurt. I don’t want that 4th pick.
9. Maddux is for real. So are the Dodgers. They are the team I do not want to play in National League Playoffs.
10. Clarett’s lawyers complaining that Maurice got maced after being handcuffed. The guy was all hepped up on Grey Goose, wearing a bulletproof vest, 4 guns, a hatchet. And you’re botherin’ me about some mace, huh? You’re botherin’ me about some mace? Raging Bull style.
11. Bob Arum once said: “Yesterday I was lying, today I’m telling the truth.” Sounds like all these steroid guys. Don’t it, huh, don’t it?
12. Landis says everybody’s out to get him. I never heard of him ’till this stuff happened. Who’s out to get him?
Public Figures:
1. Pedro allowed six runs in only one inning yesterday, ending his streak of 289 consecutive starts in which he lasted at least three innings. That was the longest streak of starts going at least three innings for any major league pitcher since Walter Johnson went at least three in 313 straight starts from 1911 through 1919.
2. With a win Monday, the Dodgers have won 16 of their last 17 games. Over the last 10 years, the only National League team to win 16 of 17 was the 2000 Braves, who did it in April and May. The Dodgers had won 16 of 17 only twice previously, both times while the club was still in Brooklyn, in August 1953 and in May/June 1899, when the team was known as the Superbas.
3. Junior Seau, who officially retired yesterday, is one of four players to make 12 straight Pro Bowls since the 1970 merger. The others: Bruce Matthews (14, 1988-2001), Reggie White (13, 1986-1998) and Randall McDaniel (12, 1989-2000). The next-longest streaks by linebackers are 10 seasons by Mike Singletary (1983-1992) and Lawrence Taylor (1981-1990).
4. Matt Diaz had a hit in each of 10 consecutive at-bats, dating back to Saturday, before being retired by Chris Schroder in the ninth inning. Diaz tied the National League record for hits in consecutive at-bats, done nine previous times, most recently by Bip Roberts for the Reds in September 1992. The American League record is hits in 12 consecutive at-bats, by Mike Higgins (1938 Red Sox) and Walt Dropo (1952 Tigers).
Public Spectacle:
Peace Out Homies. Six Two and Even!
Need More? Al Davis,Bob Probert,Deadwood,Dennis Rodman,George Steinbrenner,Jim Brown,Kevin McHale,Michael Barrett,TV
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If Marvelos coulda beat fellow Marylander, would he be hosting The Contender today?
After all your raving the past few weeks, I thought I would hear you saying TK, and TK alone, was enough to make you sit through an entire MNF game. You read it here first, TK will last one season, bring back Paul McGuire.
he was great, are you kidding me
Oh yeah, you’re right. My bad. Comments like, “Reggie Bush is a player people will pay money to see,” and “those aren’t very good stats,” [Aaron Brooks going 0-5] were not only insightful, but also hilarious and provided me a newfound appreciation for the game.
does the public know who will die in the last harry potter book? if arod were a character in lonesome dove who would he be? jake spoon? who would manny be for that matter? gus?
good questions.
potter- no idea, draco? just a guess
A-Rod would definitely be Jake Spoon, whicj isn’t good news for Alex. Jakes friends hung him.
Manny- Dish Boggert. Unsung. Does his job excellently but screws up on stupid stuff at the same time.
o’s fan, how great was it Tirico says there were more than 11,000 lakes in Minnesota. Kornheiser respsonds: “And you won’t see any Vikings players on any of them this year.†Priceless
The Bob Newhart line was great too, were you even watching? Refs looking slender in those stripes, funny stuff I tell ya.
When the Redskins begin their unstoppable march to SuperBowl XLI on Monday Night, Sept. 11, TV sound will be muted, while FM broadcast of Sonny, Sam and Larry plays.
Never saw the harm in a little mid-season boat cruise anyhowse. Can’t boyz be boyz anymore?
who’s leading that march? kerry carter? rock cartwright? Jonathon combs? ladell betts? jesse lumsden?
Ha Ha Ha…as it was in the glory years, the charge will be led by the best receiving corps in football and a stifling D. Timmy Smith wasn’t a household name til he put up big numbers in the biggest game of his life. Unfortunately for all you PC panty wastes out there, with a fourth Lombardi trophy in tow, the Skins name will never disappear.
thats great. we got 3/4 and still rolling. roll pats roll.
The Pats will limp through the cushiest division in the NFL and die in the playoffs. Maybe the public aughta take up a collection to buy Belichick a new hooded sweatshirt.
Speaking of Marvelous Marvin Hagler, didn’t you do an HBO commercial with him…………………
Kornheiser absolutely exposed Theisman last night. He kept setting him up, Jake LaMotta style. Kept Theisman contradicting himself. If there was a car crash where the only fatalaties included Theisman, Kolber and Tafoya it would be the single greatest moment in Monday Night Football history. Kolber, especially, should get back on her broom and fly away from sports forever. Please??
When he said that Brooks was 0-5 and it “was not good”. He was simplifying a point that it is SO FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT AARON BROOKS IS SHIT. If you can’t detect that in his voice (that he was being smug — not trying to give an obvious opinion) then he’s just talking over your head. Too bad for you, your missing out. Maybe they’ll bring back McGuire next year and dumb it down for you.
Why does Kornheiser’s mother call her son, ‘Kornheiser?’ Hey, you know what, you’re right, I do tune out every time Tony opens his mouth for the simple reasons that he knows nothing about sports and is not funny. The lame, over-the-top, I’m a Jewish guy from NY, that’s why I talk this way, and whine about everything schtick that Kornheiser has been peddling for years has grown old for everyone in the Balt-Washington area. It will soon grow old for the rest of the country too. Same goes for Wilbon…they both write the same BS, talk the same BS, column after column, show after show. Every Kornheiser column, every Kornheiser radio show, every PTI is exactly the same…once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.
ya but i like them….like the stooges……you know what you’re getting
and…yes i did do a hbo commercial with hagler
• New York Times: “Kornheiser, open-eyed, fit in well. He didn’t sound scripted, and never appeared so eager to get his air time that he trampled on Joe Theismann’s. He left the game-calling to Mike Tirico and the analysis to Theismann while carving out his natural territory as a snarky, but not irritating, commentator who will keep track of story lines and ask Theismann to explain terms like the silent snap count.”
• Los Angeles Times: “And the star is newcomer Tony Kornheiser. He was the focal point of the telecast, and all things considered, he not only survived but was pretty good.”
Deadspin: Kornheiser should go into every broadcast with the same mantra rattling around his head: “Annoy Theismann. Annoy Theismann. Annoy Theismann.” We could have listened to the Bob Newhart/Bed And Breakfast “debate” for an hour. (Hey, Joe: He’s kidding, you dolt.)
The Deadspin comment is my exact point. Theisman is so fucking stupid that Tony will have his way with him all year. Theisman is unfuckingbearably unlistenable. Why do you think Al Michaels walked away from ESPN? The money? No, they couldn’t find a both big enough for both egos. Michaels is too much of a pro and it’s too late in his career to bother with Theisman. But Kornheiser will fuck him in the ass on the air all year long, because he doesn’t give a shit. Tony K won’t let him get away with ANYTHING. Poor Paul McGuire didn’t have the self-confindence to handle Theisman (on or off the air, I’m told). This won’t be the case this year.
go get him!!!!!!
Who gives a crap what the NYT thinks. It’s gotta be the worst sports page of any major city newspaper. Didn’t the times just recently have to fire a gaggle of reporters for making up stories?
Trust me, you won’t see anyone from DC singing Kornholer’s praises. His schtick is old, tired, and will become unlistenable to by T-giving.